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“Thanks. But you’re right. This company can’t really expect to run our lives that way, can they? I get where they are coming from, but at the end of the day there has to be a line drawn somewhere.”
“Right. But at the same time, I don’t want to put you in that position. You just got here. I know you are trying to get established. And I would never forgive myself if I was the cause of you getting canned.”
“Yeah, I really need to do well here. I came here to start over. As much as I have feelings for you, I’m just not sure this is the right time to give in to those feelings.”
I sighed. Just when I thought we had made some progress, Shelly would retreat a bit. I knew this was hard. It was hard on both of us, but Shelly needed to decide if we were going to give this a shot or not. I mean, I was all about being as discreet as possible and hiding our relationship from the powers that be, but I could tell that she wasn’t ready to make that leap yet. She didn’t know what she wanted. I didn’t either, to tell the truth. Well, I wanted her. There was no doubt about that. But I didn’t want to put her in the position to have to explain herself or to be called on the carpet to face the music for this indiscretion.
“I get it,” I said. “I just have so much trouble controlling myself when I’m around you. What can I say? You’ve gotten into my head, you are in my world, and that isn’t something that can be easy to shut off. But I’m doing my best.”
Shelly nodded. “I know. I feel the same way. If circumstances were different, I’d say we need to see where this goes. But right now… I just can’t let myself do that. There is too much at stake.”
“Ok, I understand,” I said. “I’m glad we had this conversation and really talked things out. It’s comforting to know how you feel.”
“Right,” she said. “I agree.”
We talked a little bit longer, mostly just about hobbies and things we were into. As we talked, I found myself feeling even closer to her and wishing that we could be together that much more. This was torture, but Shelly had made her decision. I had to respect it. I decided that at this point it was up in the air. It was in her hands. If Shelly wanted to pursue this down the road, I would be there for her. But if she didn’t, then I would totally understand as well. That was the way I had to leave it. That was the only way I could really wrap my head around it and feel that things would be ok. I had faith that this was meant to be and therefore, I didn’t have to do anything to make it happen.
I believed that eventually, Shelly would not be able to control herself either and that we would be together.
Chapter Eight
Shelly
As I watched Gary onstage playing his original song, I found myself being transported to another world. It was like the song was taking me on a journey through my own self and when I returned I would be someone else, someone who thought things through much more clearly and understood the next step that needed to be taken in her life.
After the face time call last night, my head was filled with muddled thoughts of what to do. Gary probably thought I had multiple personalities or something. I could not seem to reach a solid decision about what to do here. I admitted to myself, and to him, that I had strong feelings of attraction to Gary. That was something we both agreed we shared.
But I kept going back and forth as to whether or not I could let myself act on those feelings. The consequences were just too steep. If we were caught, I would be fired and I’d have to pack up and move on once again. I didn’t know if I had that in me again or not. I just wanted to be left alone for the most part.
It was just this thing with Gary. I wanted him so badly. When I was near him, I felt myself trembling. It had all started the first day I met him, when we were working together. Since then, he had been a part of me in some way, a part of my life. And our paths kept crossing each other. It was a stupid idea for me to accept his social media friend request. And then the face timing. It had been so nice. It was wonderful. I had a blast getting to know him and understanding more about what he was about, what made
him tick. I discovered he had so many amazing sides to him.
I shouldn’t have been there that night, watching him play his music. That was one of the most romantic things a guy could do, at least to me, was to see him playing guitar, singing a song into a microphone. It was an intimate moment. There was no band, no lights, or big stage setup. There were no distractions. It was really just him and his heart pouring it all out right there in that intimate setting. And it was beautiful. I loved it.
As I watched Gary start into his song, our eyes met. He smiled as he sang the slow, tender ballad. The song was about overcoming, striving to be better in your life, and doing what you needed to do to make you happy no matter what. That was something I felt most people could relate to, especially me at that moment.
Gary’s voice was husky and deep. It sounded like Johnny Cash. I loved to hear the way he played with the phrasing, never singing the melody quite the same way each time. That was interesting. And the delicate way he added texture to the strumming pattern on the guitar helped me to feel like he was really speaking to me. There wasn’t much of a crowd there that night, but those who were in attendance were all being drawn into Gary’s world right then. He had us all hooked on his every cadence until the very end of his performance.
When he was finished, the crowd cheered wildly for him. The announcer arrived on the stage just then to shake Gary’s hand. “Gary Tenny, everybody. Give him a big hand!”
The crowd clapped even louder for him as Gary left the stage and packed up his guitar in its case. I waited for him at my table and he came over a few minutes later after talking with a few new, adoring fans. That was interesting to see other people clamoring for him. He’d just done an open mic to a mostly empty bar, but he was being given a rock star treatment already. A few of his fans were attractive women, which I had to admit made me a bit jealous. Gary was gracious and thanked them for their support. Then he made his way over to me.
“So, you came,” Gary said as he sat down.
“I did,” I said. “Wow, you were incredible. I can’t believe you ever stopped doing this. You’d probably be a rock star if you hadn’t.”
Gary laughed. “Nah, I just love to play. If I ever had to do it for money, it would probably stop being fun.”
“I see,” I replied.
“So, what inspired you to write that song?”
“A few things,” he said. “When I write a song, I usually start with a good title. Then I sit down with a pad and think about all the things that title could mean, what it could be about and so forth. Then I kind of whittle away at it until it turns into something.”
“So, you don’t usually have a specific meaning for the song?” I was intrigued by his artistic process.
“Well, that’s the great thing about art. It can mean so many different things to so many different people. It’s wrong to say it has to be about this one thing. Because you might feel something completely different when you hear it.”
