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I almost choked on my beer. “How do you always go to such an extremely illogical conclusion?”
“I don’t think it’s that illogical. The man is doing something out of routine. If this turns into several things, then it becomes a cluster. That’s what we look for.”
“Who is we?”
“We… us… people who suspect they are being cheated on.”
“Not us. I’m not in a relationship. There is no way for me to be cheated on.”
“Ok, fine. But yes, I think it is a possibility. I always look for this. I have a history.”
“Well, that’s because you usually go after bad boys. I’m not sure why.”
“Because they are fun. Most nice guys are boring and predictable and whiney—“
“And secure and stable…” I said.
“Yeah, they have that, but bad boys are always more fun. You know I’m right.”
“I do not know that,” I said.
“You meet a guy who is dark, mysterious, with an edge to him, someone who will make you think that he has bad things on his mind, and he might just do some of those bad things to you.”
I couldn’t stop laughing. Lucy always made me feel better. She was so out of it that it was hilarious.
“That is why you always get burned, but George isn’t one of those guys. He is so good to you. That is what you deserve.”
“Yeah, but I’m so bored with him that I’m actually relieved he isn’t bugging me this evening. That’s a problem, isn’t it? Aren’t you supposed to want to be with the one you’re with?”
“Yeah, but not all the time, I don’t think. People need time to figure themselves out and to not be bothered by others. You need some alone time, too. But now when you have alone time you know it’s because you chose it, not because some guy is going to run off for several days and do whatever he wants and probably whomever he wants, right? Bad boys have a tendency to be always on the move.”
“You’re right. Hey, was Gary a bad boy?”
I was shocked that she’d changed the subject. “Um, no. I wouldn’t say that, but he had a lot of the good bad boy qualities, if that makes sense.”
“I’m intrigued.”
“Well, he was rugged, strong, spontaneous, fun, and he didn’t take any guff from anyone. He would put you in your place in a heartbeat, and that included me. There were very clearly defined boundaries with him. I always enjoyed that. But he was also very loving and very loyal, almost to a fault. I knew that he would never do anything to hurt me and he would never lie to me. Which, is one of the reasons I feel so horrible about the way I left him.”
Bringing up all of the great qualities in Gary really was not fun for me at that moment. I could feel the pain knifing through my heart. It was sharp and it pulsated through me. What had I done? Why did I leave everything this way? I hated myself for doing this and it was getting worse. The longer I watched my little girl grow up without her father, and knowing it was my fault, the worse it got.
I had to wipe the tears from my eyes. I tried to keep my crying silent, but I could tell that Lucy was picking up on it anyway. She didn’t say anything for a moment, just sitting there idly waiting for me to continue as I dealt with my crying jag. I felt so sad. I needed to do something about this, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. What was wrong with me?
“Are you ok?” Lucy asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “I’ll be fine. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
“Why don’t you just call him? It will not be as bad as you think. All of that has been created in your mind. You are better than that, stronger than that. I know you pretty damn well and I know you can handle this. The guilt is eating you up inside. It has been for three years. I’ve seen it. You owe it to yourself and to Amber. She needs to know her father.”
“You are right,” I said. “I have to muster up the courage somehow, the strength. I have to get through this. I just have to be strong enough to make that call. I can only imagine how his response will be. Should I even tell him something like this over the phone? Or would it be better to arrange to have him meet me in person?”
“I think the phone call would be a good start. After that, you can gauge him on how well you think he would handle the news. There is no reason to delay it any farther. You will feel so much better after you do this.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” I laughed. “I think I’ll probably end up with a hole in my head.”
“You can do anything you set your mind to, and I know that you will eventually make the right decision.”
I thanked her. We talked for a bit longer and when I ended the call with her, I stared blankly at my phone. I’d had my number changed when I started over here in Columbus, but I’d programmed his number into my phone in case I ever wanted to make that call. I hoped it was still the right one.
