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“Oh, ok. I guess I’m flying to Columbus then,” I said. This was a bit different and unexpected. Ok, if that was what they wanted me to do, then I would suit up and fly to Columbus.
I shook his hand firmly. “You will do us all proud, especially me. I’ve always wanted to train a future Chief and I know you will be a great one.”
“Well, I would definitely miss everyone, and it has always been a dream of mine to be a Chief, but I’m not sure if I want to leave Chicago. This is my home. This is where I want to stay.”
“What? You aren’t going to pass something like this because of geography. You are going there and you are going to do awesome. End of story. If you come back here, I’m going to kick your ass,” he said with a large grin.
I thanked him and went home to start packing. The company in Columbus had taken care of the tickets and flight arrangements for me. I went home feeling a bit better about my situation than I had in a while. Maybe this was what I needed. Perhaps, doing something new in another city, a fresh start, a place where everything did not remind me of Shelly and the way she’d broken me in pieces was a good thing. At times I felt so stupid for allowing that hate to linger, but other times I was thankful for it since it was one of the few things that made me feel like she was still there with me.
When I got home, I changed my clothes, grabbed a six pack from the fridge, and sat down on the couch with my acoustic guitar. I’d been writing a lot of songs lately. It was the most therapeutic way I had for dealing with things. And it was working. Since, I’d started getting my feelings out into the world through my music, I’d felt so much better. I was still hurting, but it was something I was able to hide and I was able to deal with. It would not bury me. I was stronger than these feelings and I would do whatever it took to triumph over them.
I’d also been doing a lot of recording. In fact, I was putting together my first album. A few months back, I downloaded a new version of ProTools, and started teaching myself how to use it properly. After a while I started getting the hang of it, and now I was recording my completed songs. I’d picked up a cheap bass to lay down those parts with and I had put together a great electronic drum sound through the system as well. It sounded almost like real drums and gave everything a slight inhuman feel that made the songs sound even more painful I thought.
I strummed out a new chord pattern I wanted to try for the newest song. I only had three more songs and then the album would be complete. I would spend a few weeks mastering it and then I would upload it all online. There were now a myriad of places to sell music and to give music away. I wasn’t really trying to make much money with this. It was mostly about artistic expression. I was in pain and I wanted to make sure the rest of the world heard these songs. If there was any money to be made, it could come later through other avenues.
After writing some chord changes, I grabbed my legal pad and scribbled down some lyrics. I sang them into a microphone and recorded a scratch vocal. Then I started putting other elements to it to make the rough demo that I was going to work with. It was amazing nowadays how easy it was to record a professional quality album on a laptop in your living room.
By the time I was finished, I was getting hungry. I decided to order a pizza and spend the rest of the evening watching movies. This had become a fairly regular routine for me.
But maybe Columbus would bring about a much needed change of pace. I didn’t know much about that area, other than it was almost as cold as Chicago. Most likely less windy, but it was still plagued by miserable winters. I often wondered if I would be happier moving to a warm climate where it never snowed or got that cold. Then again, that would probably get boring as well.
I ate my pizza, watched a few horror movies, and then I hit the sack. I was tired. I had the next day off, and I spent a bit of time packing for the trip. I only filled one duffle bag full of stuff, but then again I was only going for a few days. After that I went to meet Max and Richie for a game of pool.
“Hey, the man is alive,” Ma
x said. He was chiding me because the past few times we were supposed to hang out, I told them I was busy. Mostly, I was just working on my album. They still did not know I did that much with music. They had heard me once at an open mic a while back, but they were not the biggest of music lovers. I often wondered what it was these two guys actually found interesting or powerful enough that it really spoke to them, something that drove them. As near as I could see, they did not have anything like this.
“Yes, I’m alive,” I said. “Wow, you guys are going to miss me when I’m gone.”
Max looked puzzled. “Gone? Where are you going?”
I looked at the both of them and they appeared as if they had no idea what I was talking about. “Really? You don’t know? I figured that word would have spread all over that place by now.”
“Yeah, what’s up?” Richie asked.
“I’ve been offered a job as Chief for station number twenty-two in Columbus, Ohio.”
“What? You are leaving us? For real?” Max asked. He seemed genuinely confused.
“I might,” I said. “Look, right now I have an offer I am considering. I’m flying there tomorrow to check everything out. If it goes well, then I might go for it. This is a hell of an opportunity. It’s a chance to experience something new.”
Max ran his hands through is hair. He was flustered. “I never thought I’d see the day. I was surprised that you took the lieutenant job, but to remove yourself from the field entirely and be the Chief…wow, that’s not what I expected you to ever do. You love being out there too much. I’m telling you, it will be the death of you. The boredom will put you six feet under.”
I nodded. “You’re probably right, but my head hasn’t been in the game for a while now. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m stagnating. I don’t know if you’ve noticed.”
Max and Richie both looked at each other. “Yeah, we’ve noticed,” Max said. “We just figured you were stressed. It happens to the best of us, but we have full confidence you will pull through and get back on your feet again.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do,” I said. “That’s all I’m trying to do here.”
“But do you think you really need to do this for that to happen? It just seems kind of extreme.”
“I know, but it feels right. And besides I haven’t done it, yet. Stop talking like it’s a done deal. Right now they are interested and I’m interested. That is really all.”
We started playing the game and the conversation kind of stalled. I knew what was really going on. Max and Richie were my best friends. They were going to miss me and I was going to miss them. But as guys we are often uncomfortable talking about our feelings, so we spent a bunch of time arguing about bullshit that didn’t really matter and trying to plant seeds of doubt in the other person’s head. That was all they were doing to me.
It was ok. I appreciated the effort. They made some valid points, but so did I. There was nothing that said I had to take the job, even though I was leaning that way. There was nothing left for me where I was. Everything around me reminded me of Shelly. My home, work, when I would purposely take the wrong exit to drive past her old apartment—it all reminded me of her. The city was stained with her presence now. I just needed to move on and start over. I was going to miss my good friends, but we could all visit every now and then. Sometimes you had to go where the wind took you.
And I was stretching my legs to do just that right now. I was excited to see the new station and meet the people there. Maybe something wonderful was waiting for me to discover it, but to discover it would mean I’d have to move on and leave the past behind me.
