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“Why did you leave?” Gary demanded. “You owe me an explanation.”
“I’m sorry… I had to… I’ve got to go,” I said.
“You need to tell me what happened. I deserve to know. You just left without saying a word to anyone,” Gary said. He was getting louder, but I could tell that he was trying to keep himself under control and act professional at our place of work. I really loved him for that. I needed my job. But he was my boss now. He could fire me if he wanted to. Wow, how did things get so messed up?
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I just can’t…”
I was trying to speak, but my mouth would hardly move. It was so dry that there was barely any sound coming out at all. My throat was tight. I was clenching down on my vocal chords as if my body was purposely trying to make sure that I did not say the wrong thing, or anything at all.
“Really? That’s all I get? You aren’t going to say a word?” Gary asked. He was so disgusted, but I could still see the love and care in his eyes.
I didn’t say anything else. I couldn’t. I turned and ran towards my car. I got in and started up the engine. I backed up and started to head out of the parking lot. As I backed up, I could see Gary in the rearview still standing in the same spot. I thought he might try to chase the car and get me to stop, but that would have caused a huge scene. He was being more careful than that.
When I got home, I sat down on my couch and cried my eyes out. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I’d tried to outrun the past and it had caught up with me eventually. I wondered if this was why I was having so many dreams lately. This wasn’t the way I wanted this to happen. I was going to call Gary and ease into things. But
now I didn’t have that option. That luxury was now off the table completely.
I was fucked. I had to face him. But I had to gather my thoughts first. I didn’t have the faintest idea how to begin this conversation. I wasn’t sure how to tell him about why I’d left, or the fact that we now had a two year old together he’d never seen and knew nothing about. Would it be best to start with that, or was that too shocking? I just didn’t know.
I stood up and paced back and forth trying to get my bearings. What was going to happen next?
Chapter Twenty-Five
Gary
“Tell me everything,” I said.
I was sitting across from Shelly in her living room. She had a nice house, cozy and very well kept. I liked it.
After I ran into her at the fire station and she refused to talk to me, I decided to look up her address. I drove to her house and knocked on her door. At first, there was no answer, but after a few minutes, the door swung open. Shelly was there. She looked as if she’d been waiting for me.
“I left because of something that happened,” Shelly said. “It happened very quickly, or at least I found out about it suddenly. I made the decision that it was best for me to leave. It was nothing you did. It was nothing I did. It was nobody’s fault really, but I knew if I stayed it would have messed up everything for you.”
I listened as she spoke. She was beating around the bush. There was something big she had to tell me. I braced myself and waited. I wanted to push her to get on with it, but I knew that would only make her resist it more and it would take longer to get anything out of her. This conversation was three years in the making. I was not going to blow it here. I had to be patient and let her explain.
“Ok,” I said. “I’m listening.” I tried to keep my voice as calm as I could. Inside I was exploding.
“I found out I was pregnant, the day before I left,” Shelly said.
The words hung in the air, settling down slowly over me, pushing their full weight against my being until I felt like I was being crushed to death. What was she saying? Really? This was happening?
“You… we…” I started. I felt the emotions rising up in me. I held it together the best I could, but I knew that I was about to fall apart. This was too much, way more than anything I ever could have expected.
“Yes,” she said. Shelly was wiping tears from her eyes now. “I left because I knew that this would ruin your career. You were being promoted and everyone was going to know I was pregnant and that the baby was yours. Your promotion, your job—everything would have been taken away from you. I couldn’t do that to you. This job means everything to you. It’s your reason for living. I made the choice that you would be better off without me.”
“You made that choice for me?” I asked. “Well, let me tell you something. That was the wrong fucking choice. Yes, the job means everything to me, but that is not before you. Baby, you mean everything to me. Our child would have meant everything to me. Our child… what happened?” I braced myself for possible more bad news. No… please… don’t tell me something happened…
“We have a two year old daughter named Amber,” Shelly said. “She is in preschool right now. It’s just a few blocks away.”
I was trembling now with emotion. “I have a daughter? We… baby…”
I was trying to keep it together and not lose myself completely, but it was so hard. I couldn’t ever imagine being in any more distress.
“Yes,” Shelly said. “We have a daughter. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. It was with the best intentions, you have to believe me. I knew that this would have made you bitter and unhappy if I’d stayed. You did not need this in your life then.”
“Oh, come off it,” I was getting mad. “You took this from me. I have a daughter I didn’t even know existed and now you act like keeping this from me was a good idea. It was for my own benefit. That wasn’t your decision to make. Do you really think I’d put a job over you and our baby?”
I was standing up now pacing back and forth. I felt broken, as if everything about my life was a total lie.
