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Everything was starting to make sense, from her comments last night, to the small house in West Palm, and the way her grumpy father sat at the computer, playing online poker games. Her inability to go out on a regular basis was completely clear, and I realized that she was the one taking care of everything. I admired just how kind she was. I went through my life, forcing myself to not care about anyone, just doing what was best for me. All the while, this beautiful girl was across the city, caring about everyone she came in contact with, even me with my sad story. She didn’t know me from Adam, but she sat there and listened to my story, comforting me whenever she could. She had been through hell and back with her family, and I couldn’t imagine having to take care of a grown man while in high school. She’d been just a child.
My mother was a lot like Josie, kind to a fault, and often because of that, she’d been taken advantage of. I remembered talking to her about it, asking her why she continued to do it if she just got constantly hurt in the end. She told me she would rather help one person and be beat up by ten, than appease ten people and let one person fall to the wayside. She would listen to anyone, and she had some really good relationships with the staff of the house because they knew they could go to her and talk about anything. I could see it took a toll on her some days, just as Josie’s plight took a serious toll on her, but I could also tell that neither of them would do anything different.
When breakfast was over, we didn’t race back to the car. Instead, we continued talking, walking along the stone paths that lined the edge of the beach. It was so quiet and relaxing out here, and there weren’t a million snobby girls, making sure to get their perfect tan while clicking a hundred selfies until they got the “perfect angle.” She talked about her life growing up, what exactly she lost through her father’s addiction, and asked me questions about my parents that people so often forgot to ask. Everyone got so caught up in feeling sorry for me, they never talked about the time when they were alive. They never really listened when I said that my parents were good people. But not Josie.
She wanted to hear the whole story. As I talked, I felt almost like I could take in a deep breath and not be stopped by my own emotions. There was something so refreshing about getting these things off my chest, almost as if a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I think she might have felt the same way, as I could see her let out a deep breath as she peered out over the water. She was even more beautiful at that moment than the first time we kissed. It was so different and scary, but at the same time, I couldn’t keep myself from wanting to be close to her. There was something special about this girl.
My heart felt lighter as we walked along, listening to the waves, listening to each other, and listening to our own thoughts. It had been the first time I had ever let anyone in as far as I had let Josie, and I had only just met her the day before. I didn’t know if it was the clouds, the air, the ocean, or just the way that Josie fit so perfectly in my life, but in the short amount of time that we had spent together, she had unlocked something inside of me that pushed me to keep her right there at my side. I didn’t know how she did it, and I wasn’t sure she even knew how she did it, or that she even had, for that matter.
She looked up at me and smiled as we strolled along, and I smiled back. It wasn’t a forced smile, the kind that makes you feel like you were being tricked, but a real, genuine smile, something I hadn’t felt like doing in a long time. I grabbed her hand and pulled it to my chest, lifting it up and kissing the back of her hand. Everything felt so perfect and so right with Josie. She made me feel more comfortable with myself and with her than any person had my entire life. I wanted to freak out, but my heart said no, so I went with it, making sure to keep her as close as I possibly could. I didn’t want the day to end.
I was excited to see that she wasn’t ready to rush off after our walk. We strolled down to the open-air markets and looked at all the goods for sale. We laughed and joked as we walked through the crowds, not looking for anything specific, just browsing and prolonging our time together. They had really neat stuff out there that I had no idea about. West Palm was such a mystery to me. There were all these extremely hard-working people everywhere, but they all wanted or needed so many things. I knew that my privilege awarded me certain luxuries, ones that most of these people would never experience, but I still wanted to understand their lives. Josie was definitely complex, and I wondered if that was a normal thing for normal people. I had been through quite a bit, but it paled in comparison to a lot of the sights and scenes I saw walking along.
We stopped and grabbed a couple of seats at a beach volleyball tournament that we happened to stumble upon. Josie scooted close to me, and I smiled, feeling her arms wrapped around mine. An older couple looked over at us and smiled, thinking that we were a long-term couple, something that would have normally triggered me to take off and run. With Josie, though, it seemed to be the perfect fit. I didn’t want the day to end, which was why when it hit dinner time, I was disappointed that she had to go home to cook dinner.
“My father won’t eat if I don’t make dinner,” she said, smiling. “It’s really the only time he holds a conversation with me anymore.”
“I want to see you again, soon,” I said, not wanting to waste any time. “Can I see you tonight?”
“I wish,” she said. “It’s Saturday, and my father always struggles on Saturday nights. It used to be his night to go to the casinos, so I stay home to make sure he doesn’t go.”
I drove her back to her house and stared at her from the driver's seat. I reached up and moved a lock of hair from her face, leaning forward and kissing her nose. She blushed and then sighed, looking up at her house. I could tell she didn’t want to go inside, but I knew that she needed to do it. I was just making it harder.
“I don’t want to leave here without knowing I’ll see you soon,” I whispered.
She smirked and reached down, grabbing my phone. She opened the contacts and put in her contact information. When she was done, she turned it off and handed it over to me.
“Text me,” she said happily. “We will figure it out.”
I watched as Josie climbed from the car and walked up the walk, waving before opening the door and going inside. Immediately, I felt as if I were at a loss without her near me. It was truly the strangest feeling in the world.
I drove off, stopping at the stop sign and
pulling out my phone. I sent her a text, knowing it would make her smile. I texted, “I miss you already,” and I was positive it was the truth.
Chapter 6
Josie
I walked into the house, both on cloud nine and grounded from the reality that I had to come back to my life. I loved my father, of course, but a part of me yearned to be free from his addiction. I had dealt with it my whole life, and I was doing the job my mother couldn’t stand by and do. I understood why she left, but that didn’t make it any easier. I knew if I left him there alone, he would end up in a really bad place.
Standing in the kitchen, I couldn’t get my mind wrapped around dinner. I was too busy replaying the day over and over again in my head. Blaine had opened up to me, and I had opened up to him as well, and it felt really good. There was almost a weight lifted from my chest as I strolled along the beach next to him, talking about all the things that I kept well-hidden my whole life. My phone buzzed, and I looked down at it, reading Blaine’s text. How adorable was that? He missed me already. That text shot me back in the right direction, so I walked over to the cabinets and pulled the spaghetti sauce out. I looked over at my dad, who was still plopped in front of the computer, playing hand after hand of poker, and I sighed.
It never failed that as soon as something good happened to me, I suddenly was struck with the realization that my life was a bit of a mess. But it was my life, and I needed to take the positives with the negatives. I thought about Blaine and the day we spent together, and I began to hum a tune I remembered my mother humming when times were good. I pranced around the kitchen, creating the most delicious spaghetti I could from the ingredients that we had. My mother always added, what she called, the special ingredients before putting the spaghetti together for everyone. So, doing what my mother taught me and feeling giddy and jolly from the day, I went to work.
When the noodles were done boiling, I drained them well and put them back in the pot, adding three tablespoons of margarine, some salt, and some garlic powder. I stirred it all up and breathed deeply, loving the way the house smelled like a home when dinner was cooking. I added the sauce and continued to mix it up, realizing that in my Blaine haze, I had made enough spaghetti for an army. I laughed to myself, figuring we would be eating it as leftovers for a few days.
I was so engrossed in the conversation Blaine and I had, it was hard to concentrate on anything else. I was not only taken back by how much he opened up to me so quickly, but by how much I opened up to him as well. He really seemed like the kind of guy that was going to be completely guarded, kind of like I was, but once we got rolling in our conversation, it was hard not to just let it all out. On top of all of that, when I listened to his story and then told mine, I was shocked at how much I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It wasn’t very often that I described my life to anyone, as my father’s issue was a bit embarrassing, and I hated the advice people tried to give me. But letting Blaine in felt so good.
When I first met Blaine, I thought that he seemed like a guy whose life was perfectly put together. He looked like a man that had the perfect job, perfect family, and perfect life, but he was hiding just as much as I was. He had some dark secrets from his past, and even though I wanted to help him, I knew that the best thing for me to do was hold his hand and listen, hoping that allowing him to talk to me about it would be just as therapeutic for him as it was for me. I wasn’t sure if he felt that way, but the look on his face as we talked made me think it was.
Dad and I ate in silence. My thoughts were on Blaine, and my father’s were where they always were, gambling. I knew the therapist said having him use the free online poker site was not going to help him, but at the point that I signed him up, I was at my wit's end. I couldn’t keep him from the casino, and I couldn’t afford for him to continue to squander the little bit of money he had left. The site didn’t let you gamble with money, purchase anything, or use your own cash. It was simply a poker game with other people, virtually, that you used your points for. Since I signed him up, I hadn’t noticed him go out one time to the casinos, which he used to sneak out to almost every night, even when he was trying his hardest to fight the addiction. It didn’t help that when my mother left, he pretty much just gave up, not caring what happened to him.
When we were finished, Dad went over to continue his game, and I started to clean up from dinner. Cleaning up was the part I hated the most, but I found giving my father responsibility meant he would rush through, leave dirty dishes, and I would end up having to clean everything again. I tried to talk to him about it, but it never seemed to get through to him, so I just took over the responsibility. As I set down the dishes in the kitchen, my phone buzzed again, and I smiled as Blaine’s face came up on the screen. He wanted to know if he could see me tomorrow. I wanted to scream “yes” a thousand times, but I was scared he would get burned out on me. Should I play hard to get? I texted him back with, “Idk,” and he instantly took the bait. Our conversation then exploded into a flirtatious back and forth.
Blaine: : (
Me: Aww no sad faces.
