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“Ugh, I’m not really in the mood for your friendly critiques this morning, Courtney. If it’s all the same to you.”
“Who said anything about morning, girl? It’s the afternoon.”
I couldn’t help it. My mouth fell open when she told me that, and the look on my face must have been a pretty comical one, because the edge she’d had to her ever since I’d opened the door vanished. In its place was a general sense of merriment over my confusion and distress.
She started inside, and I stepped out of the doorway, shivering in the cold air the open door had let in. I tried to figure out how I had slept so late. It was totally uncharacteristic of me, but then again, pretty much everything I had been doing for the last couple of days was out of character for me. So why should this be any different?
“You coming?” Courtney called out to me, already almost all of the way to the back of my house and headed towards the porch. She didn’t bother to turn and look at me as she spoke but waved a little baggy over her shoulder, making her intentions clear. I rolled my eyes but followed her nevertheless. If we had lived in a bigger town in a different kind of place, the idea of Courtney smoking weed on my back porch would probably have given me a coronary, but Ashville was a different kind of place than most others.
Smoking weed wasn’t the kind of thing I chose to do, but it also wasn’t something people ever got in trouble for if they kept themselves in check. There was literally zero chance of some cop showing up and asking her just what in the hell she thought she was doing. So I would sit with her while she smoked, just like I had been doing for years.
We settled into our accustomed seats on the screened-in porch that had always been one of my favorite places in the world. I waited while Courtney lit up, sitting silently and staring out at the snow-covered land I loved so well. We stayed quiet that way for some time, her filling my porch with the sweet, herbaceous scent of pot, and me trying very hard to get a handle on what it was I was feeling. I’d been trying to do that same thing ever since he’d walked into the diner without knowing it was me he would find there. It had only gotten harder as the time ticked by. Honestly, I was grateful for Courtney being there. There had been very few times in my life when I had felt the kind of confusion I was feeling now, but having Courtney there as a sounding board always helped me to feel better.
“So girlie, for real. What happened last night? The two of you went out?”
“We did indeed,” I said. “He came to pick me up and everything, Court. You would have been proud.”
“Ha! Sorry, but it’s going to take a lot more than that to make me proud of that boy. Don’t forget, I’ve known him for a while, too. I remember the way things were when he left. I was younger than you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t remember.”
“I know, but come on. You wanted me to go out with him, right?”
“That’s very true, I did. I’m glad you did, too, but that doesn’t mean I’m just going to fall all over myself with how awesome I think he is. At least, not right away.”
“No, I get it,” I said. “But it seems like something’s different about him, Courtney.”
“Oh yeah? And you’re sure that’s not just because you’re glad to have him home? I’m not trying to be too hard on you, Fay, but you know how you are. You would forgive anyone just about anything. It’s one of the things I love about you, but it also scares the shit out of me sometimes. I don’t want anyone hurting you. That’s all.”
“I know that, and I love you for it, but I don’t think I’m wrong on this. At least, I hope I’m not. I can’t put my finger on it, at least not yet, but it feels like something about him is different now. I want to figure out what that something is.”
“Are you thinking he might be the guy?”
“What guy?” I asked.
“Come on,” Courtney scoffed, somehow managing to look uncomfortably authoritarian despite the massive inhale of smoke she took in while she spoke. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. Is he the guy? You’ve been waiting all of this time, and we both know how in love you were with Neil. Have you basically been waiting for him?”
I wanted to tell her no, because I didn’t want that to be what I had been doing. I liked to think that I was stronger than that, that I wouldn’t have allowed my girlhood heartbreak to have such a long-lasting effect on my life. The thing was, I wasn’t actually so sure.
I hadn’t been waiting to have sex for religious reasons, and it wasn’t like I was attached to the idea of getting married before I did the deed. But still, I had waited all of this time, and I wasn’t even sure what I was waiting for. Maybe Courtney was right, and it had been him all of this time.
Just the thought made me tingle all over, and I wondered if Courtney could see my thoughts written all over my face. With how long she had known me, I was almost sure that she could, but thankfully, she had the wherewithal not to rub it in my face. She just sat there smoking, waiting to see what I would say next. It was only after I asked my question that she showed any kind of feeling at all, and when she did, it was a look of genuine surprise.
“What’s it like, Courtney?”
“Like? What’s what like?”
“Oh, so now you’re asking the questions you know the answers to? Come on, Courtney, don’t make me ask you in a bunch of different ways. I’ll die if you do, and I really want to know the answer.”
“You’re asking me what sex is like?”
“Yes! That’s what I want to know. That’s the million-dollar question.”
“It’s a hard one to answer. I guess some of it depends on who you decide to do it with. It’ll probably hurt some. I won’t lie to you about that, but then it’s something I don’t really know how to describe. It’s like falling, you know? It feels like falling, but in a good way. It’s warm and hot and makes you shiver all over. If you’re with the right guy and he takes it slow, you’ll start to enjoy yourself real quick. It’s one of the best things in the world, if you want to know the truth. Why do you think I do it so often?”
I laughed, trying not to be embarrassed by the answer to the question I had almost been too shy to ask. I wasn’t sure what kind of answer I was expecting to get from her, but the one I got was a whole lot more thoughtful and less vulgar than I had thought would come out of her mouth. It left me daydreaming about something I had never even done before, which made the timing of my ringing phone pretty fortuitous.
“Hold on. I’ll be right back.”
I made my way inside, my head still full of the things Courtney had just told me. I laughed out loud when I saw who was calling me.
