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Amber and Mr. Marks both walk me to the door. I only glance back once to wave and say goodbye before my feet are beating the path. I can’t get away fast enough.
But then, I don’t want to go home, either. Don’t want to face my mother after she told Tyler’s father about my condition. My limbs are shaking, and when I can’t run anymore, I’m walking fast on the nature trail.
Despite anything Mr. Marks said, regardless if it’s wrong for me to want to do this, I can’t stomach the thought of Tyler fading away. That he’s disappearing, and that he’ll become this lost soul. He deserves to be in a better place, wherever that is. Whether it’s heaven . . . I don’t know.
When I reach my destination, I fall against the dark bark, scraping my shoulder as I slide down into a fetal position. I haven’t needed the comfort of this place for a long time. Not since it’d become tainted with bad memories.
I need it now, though. And I hope Tyler lets me have this moment. That he doesn’t ask questions. Questions that I can’t answer.
As I press my back against the tree, I run my fingers over the tattoo on my wrist. This isn’t the first time a Marks’ man has made me feel . . . pathetic. It seems to run in their genes.
FIVE YEARS EARLIER
I’m primping. I’m being such a girl right now I could slap myself.
Applying another layer of burgundy lipstick, I blot, then fluff my hair in the mirror. When I saw his canvas today, I almost lost my shit right there in the middle of art class. After our kiss the other day, and how perfect our moment was, I was starting to think I fantasized it. That maybe I dreamt it, and Holden hadn’t really met me under my tree.
Actually, it’s more like “our” tree, ever since he found me there when I was little. But the other day was the first time he’s been there with me again after all this time. He has no idea that I’ve always gone back, thinking of him.
I press my hands to my cheeks, soothing the heat rising to my face.
My stupid crush was always just that. Swooning over my best friend’s older brother. Wishing that one day he’d notice I wasn’t a little girl under a tree anymore. And when we started our game, speaking within our paintings, I thought I was imagining that he was sending me messages about how beautiful I was. And different than any other girl.
Coming from anyone other than Holden, it would seem lame. Like cheesy lines. But weaved within the intricately drawn lines of his masterpieces, those words are art. Just like him. He’s quiet and talented and dark. Mysterious. Even though I’ve known him as long as Tyler, I’ve never really known him. He keeps to himself, and since he returned from boarding school, he’s been even more reclusive.
But when I look into his eyes . . . it feels like I do know him. Can see right to his soul, and he sees the real me when he looks back into mine. It’s so far past a crush now.
I’ve fallen in love with Holden Marks.
I shove away from my dresser and nod to myself in the mirror. Then I grab my art supplies’ bag and race out the door. In the back of my mind, a little voice is screaming at me, growing louder and shouting that when Tyler finds out about me and his brother, he’s going to be pissed. But I’m not going to listen to that voice.
I think Tyler’s always been a little jealous of his brother. Holden’s never been afraid to do what he wants. To be who he wants. Tyler says his dream is to be a lawyer like his dad, and I believe him—to some degree. But he’s my best friend. I know deep down that he wants to play football professionally. His dad would never hear of that, though. And Tyler’s too scared of disappointing him.
There’s been a constant rivalry between them, at least on Tyler’s part. I’m not sure Holden cares one way or the other. He’s focused on his art and getting off the island. He’s leaving early next year . . . and this is my last chance to show him how I feel. Make him see me as more.
As I hit the trail, another wave of guilt washes over me about Tyler. I’ll just have to give him time to accept this. I mean, we are best friends. Have been forever. If he really cares about me and what I want, then he’ll understand, eventually. I can’t back down now.
Turning the curve, I see Holden already there, his hands sunk into his jean pockets as he leans against the tree. A sudden dizzy spell hits, and I suck air into my lungs, summoning courage. He’s wearing his black combat boots and a black tee. He’s striking and gorgeous. Looking like the proverbial bad boy, but I know what’s underneath. I remember the feel of his lip ring as it grazed my lips, his hands gripping my wet T-shirt, his hard body pressed against mine. Heat flushes my face.
God, I’ve wanted to be with him forever, and I can’t believe this is finally happening. That it’s real. Our first kiss was so raw and sudden and passionate. I didn’t even think to try and capture it. I’m not sure that I could’ve if I’d tried.
I clutch my bag close to my chest. This time, I’m going to sketch Holden. Have something to keep with me. Something better than a picture.
I take a step closer, and as if he senses me, Holden looks up.
My heart stops.
His sad blue eyes catch me off-guard, the look in them haunting. I step forward, worried, having to know what’s wrong. And then I suddenly don’t want to take another step. Don’t want to know the reason behind his guarded expression. If I turn around now, I can keep our moment. Nothing will spoil it.
But I don’t. I move ahead, one foot after the other, until I’m right before him, looking up into the depth of his eyes. His hands are still in his pockets. He hasn’t touched me yet. My chest is tight, but somehow, I manage to be the first to break the charged silence.
“Hi.” I want to curl in on myself. It’s lame, but in that one word, I watch his face darken even more.
“Look, Sam . . . about the other day—”
“Don’t.” Another one syllable word. I squeeze my eyes closed, already feeling the burn of threatening tears. I’m scared if he says any more, I’ll break down, like a total girl.
He sighs heavily. Scuffs his boot against the ground. Shuffles something in his pocket. “I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what you thought was going on, or what was going to happen between us.”
