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And with that, she stops walking. Her arm lowers and she looks at me. We stand staring at each other, a mere foot between us, before she answers. “To be honest, I’m kind of terrified to learn any more secrets.”
I nod once, hard. Understandable. I wish I could wipe my mind clean with a giant can of white paint. Just start over. “All right. Then how about this? I don’t want to fuck you.”
She flinches at my words and harsh tone.
I take in a breath, building my courage. “Last night? That was all me, okay? I take full responsibly, and none of it is your fault.” I hold her gaze, making sure she sees the truth in my eyes. “You did nothing wrong, and because Tyler knew about us before”—I motion between us—“and blamed me the first time, rest assured, he’ll do so again.” I can’t believe I’m giving into her crazy, but I need her to get past this. “He
knew about our kiss, and he never blamed you. Now,” I say, my feet eating the last bit of distance between us. “I’m the bad guy. You can get your sweet little ass back in the truck.”
I look down at her, and she swallows. “I just want him back.” Her lips tremble, and my heart constricts.
“I know,” I say. “I know. I do, too.” I release a heavy breath. “And I never wanted to do anything to hurt him or you. Not then, and not now. But I’m a selfish bastard. I would’ve fucked you six ways from Sunday, and I would’ve loved every second of it.”
Her body tenses, and a flash of something covers her eyes before a fleeting smile tugs at her lips. But she schools her face quickly.
“I’m a guy.” I shrug. “I come with the equipment, ready and willing, to fuck at the ready. Don’t put too much thought into it.”
This gets a full smile. My heart lightens. “I’m pretty selfish, too,” she says. “I wanted . . .” She shakes her head. “I don’t know. Maybe a moment of not knowing. Not feeling. If that makes sense.”
A pang hits my chest. Being with me, for her, is only a way to forget all her pain. Last night wouldn’t have been a step for us, it would’ve been a time out for her. I press my lips together and nod. “I get that.”
A tear slips down her face, and it’s my undoing. I promised her I’d never touch her, but dammit. I can’t stop my hand from reaching out and cupping her cheek, running my thumb over the clear trail it leaves behind.
She sucks in a sniff and nods against my hand. “Let’s go.”
Walking back, I know that only half of what I told her was the truth. I don’t want to fuck her. I want to own her. Every last bit of her, I want to make mine. I want to do so much more than just be with her.
After we’re buckled in and heading down the highway, leaving our wreckage behind us, I hear Sam whisper, “You’re not the bad guy.”
I want to believe her.
SAM
By the time we hit downtown Springfield, I feel so far removed from my home, my life . . . myself . . . that the anger I felt back on the highway, and all the shame and self-loathing of last night, seem to be a distant memory, rather than mere hours ago.
Traveling the country is liberating and puts me in a completely different mindset. I understand why Tyler longed for it so badly. This is exactly the feeling he wanted to obtain.
Distance. A new perspective.
Freedom.
Holden and I have spoken very little since our fight. Other than selecting music and commenting on scenery (which was pretty much all green, yellow, and trees), anything that took brain power was like tiptoeing on broken glass instead of eggshells.
I can’t honestly say what made me snap back there. Just that with Tyler’s words assaulting my thoughts and the events of last night still fresh on my mind, when Holden brought it up . . . I cracked.
A whole new wave of shame crashes down on me. I can’t ever seem to get out the words I really want to say, and the ones that I do only manage to help me sound crazy. But Holden’s heated words? They did far more damage than I ever thought possible. And I believe he meant every one of them.
He’s a guy who thinks about sex. Period. And I’m, again, just a girl to use in the moment. But had I really thought otherwise? I remember last night clearly, the passion in his eyes liquefying his cool blue and making them blaze. His whispered, excited words, and the intense feeling like I was the only thing in the world to him right then—the only thing for him ever. Yes, I wanted to believe he’d changed.
It would help with my feelings eating a hole through my resolve.
Staring through the windshield at the cobalt sky, I inwardly cringe. I read too many romance novels.
Obviously, Holden has improved his skills, and can charm the lust right into anyone. Even me. Despite our history, somewhere deep inside, I had always hoped he cared about me. I almost convinced myself that Holden had cared, only his issues and his rage and inability to deal with emotions had prevented him from being able to be with me. At least on a serious level.
I glance out my window, taking in the buildings and stores. It’s a city. Just like any other city I’ve ever been to, but there’s a small town feel to this one. More personable. Like an all-American theme. It makes me want to forget the darkness lurking around me and embrace the bright sunshine and smiles.
I wonder if that’s why Tyler picked this place, if he somehow knew. Pulling out the map, I find Springfield and laugh as I read his notes.
