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But the thing I’m most scared of, more than any of that, is me.
Solon said he was the monster under everyone’s bed, the reason why the fairy tales got told. But it’s me who is the true monster. At least Solon knows what he is and owns it and fights it, lives with it.
I don’t know how to live with the darkness in me. I don’t know how to come to terms with the fact that I can be so vehemently awful.
I don’t know if I can keep this up.
I get out of bed slowly and take a long shower, enjoying none of it, going through the motions, then wonder if I should try and talk to Solon. He’s a passionate man underneath the cool exterior, and a possessive one, and he probably won’t give me the time of day. I’ve been on the receiving end of his anger before and it’s a hard pill to swallow, especially when I’m so fucking in love with him. Adds an extra complication and dimension of pain to the whole scenario.
What I need, what I really need, is to see my parents.
I know my relationship with them is complicated too, but they’re all I have. If I don’t have Solon, then that’s it. Sure, there are others in the house, Amethyst and her mother, Wolf, but they are all at Solon’s command in the long run. I need to be with the people who are free from that. My real family.
So I get dressed into my leggings and a short-sleeved tunic, all black, and then create a doorway into the Black Sunshine in my room. I make sure to take my purse too, and I almost leave the ruby necklace behind but decide I should keep it on. I know it only tells me if Solon is near, but it does bring me comfort and if it’s the most I have of him going forward, then I can use all the comfort I can get.
I step inside the gray, seal it up, and then quickly make my way down the stairs and out of the house, not passing by anyone. Not that they would be able to see me per se, but I do think if I were to brus
h past Wolf in his ghostly form, he’d be able to tell and would probably alert Solon.
That said, I wouldn’t mind if Solon came after me. It would at least show that he still cares. He gave me a look last night when we got back that was so icy cold it made my blood freeze in my veins. I never want him to look at me like that again. I’ll take any other version of him but this one that doesn’t feel anything.
Oh crap. Think I’m going to start crying all over again.
I hurry through the Veil, wasting no time, and luckily I don’t see any of the shadow souls. I get to the apartment, go through the front door and up the stairs to my parent’s level, until I’m in the kitchen.
Both of them are sitting around the island, drinking something, their glowing shapes frozen in place.
This is going to scare the hell out of them.
I create the flaming door in the air and then step through, into the world of color and life.
“Oh my goddess!” my mother exclaims, hand at her chest, as my father drops his cup, golden tea spilling across the wood. “Lenore!”
I look at the both of them, the door closing up behind me, and then burst into tears.
My mom comes over to me, pulling me into a hug, while my dad quickly cleans up the mess. Together, both with their hands on me, giving me a sense of peace I haven’t felt in a while, they bring me over to the couch in the living room. I’m reminded of how they took care of me after the incident in my kitchen, piling blankets on top of me, bringing me tea. This time though I’m not filled with rage at them, I’m just so fucking sad, and all my rage is directed at myself.
I cry for a long time, parents on either side of me, handing me tissues, keeping their arms around me. Eventually, the tears subside but the awful, black feelings in me remain.
“What happened?” my mother asks softly. “Please tell us, sweetie.”
I take in a deep, shaking breath. “You’re going to look at me differently after I tell you. You’re not going to love me anymore.”
Now it’s my dad’s time to get emotional, tears glistening in his eyes. “Lenore, baby,” he says emphatically, “of course we’ll still love you. No matter what. We promise.”
I can’t be sure. I’m not sure I’d love me.
Then again, I love Solon despite all that he’s done.
“I killed someone,” I say through a choked sob. “I killed Matt.”
They both stare at me for a long moment, my mother’s face slowly crumbling. “Oh, sweetie,” she says, putting her arm around me and holding me close. “I’m sure it was an accident.”
“But it wasn’t,” I tell her. “It wasn’t. I was so angry and mad at him for the way he had treated me, and I was so scared too, that he thought I murdered Elle, that he was going to blame me, turn me in, and I hadn’t fed in a week and I…I…”
My dad lets out a shaky breath and takes my hand in his. “It was an accident, Lenore. Did you want to kill him?”
I shake my head. “No. No I just wanted to feed and I was so wrapped up in my anger and my fear and I was so confused. I stopped, I didn’t…”
