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"I don't need an explanation, Nolan." I move to the edge of the chair and tug my hands away from his. "What you had with Shelby was before we met. I understand that. I'm not leaving because I'm mad that she's pregnant. I'm leaving because you obviously have a lot on your plate that you need to deal with."
He pulls back, his right hand scrubs his forehead. "I don't blame you for wanting to bolt, but I'd like a chance to explain things. I want you to understand something very important."
I already know what the next words out of his mouth are going to be.
The new baby won't change anything between us.
I can handle a relationship with you and a co-parent arrangement with Shelby.
Let's meet at the shoebox tomorrow night at nine and celebrate that I'm going to be a dad again with a few hours of fucking.
I might be wrong about the last one but I know I'm right about the first two.
"I don't give a fuck if Shelby is pregnant." He squeezes his eyes shut for a second. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not a cruel bastard. I hope the best for her but that baby has nothing to do with me. There is no chance in hell I'm the father. No possible chance, Ellie."
Isn't that the tune every man sings when he's caught by the balls, literally, caught by the balls? "How can you know for sure you're not the father? When we were in Vegas, I heard you admit to sleeping with her twice. You know from experience it takes one time, just one time."
"It's not physically possible for me to be the father of that child." He looks around the café. "Do you understand what I'm saying, Ellie?"
"You're saying that you don’t think the condom failed." I sigh heavily. Is he that dense? He's gone through this before. If any man should be aware of the slim chance that a condom can fail to deliver on its promise, it's Nolan Black. "You need to rethink the brand of condoms you're using or maybe you need a lesson on how to roll one on the right way."
I roll my fingers in the air for good measure.
"I'm perfectly capable of putting on a condom."
"Apparently you're not." I straighten my shoulders. "Condoms aren't foolproof, Nolan. Neither is the pill."
"Vasectomies are. I've had one, so there is zero chance the baby that Shelby is carrying is mine."
***
A vasectomy? He had one. He can't have another child, ever.
"Did you hear what I said, Ellie?"
I lift my head when he asks the question. I look at him. He's young. He's older than I am by a few years but he's not even thirty yet and he's made the decision not to have another child. Logically, I understand why but still it seems drastic for someone his age.
"Yes." I pick up the mug of tea. "You had a vasectomy."
It shouldn't bother me. It's not as if he just proposed marriage and then dropped that bombshell on me. We're dating. We had sex; very safe sex which is a plus I didn't know about until now. Still, it tugs at the corner of my heart to know that he can't ever be a dad again.
"Does it bother you?"
Why should it? We'll date for a while, and then he'll move on to someone new and I will too. Eventually, I'll meet a guy I fall in love with and we'll get married and have kids.
"No." My voice is barely more than a whisper. "Maybe. I'm not sure."
He presses his lips together as he studies me. Then he licks them, quickly. "I had it done a week after May arrived. I didn't want to risk having another baby."
"Are you glad you did it?" I ask. "Do you think you'll ever regret it?"
He opens his mouth and then snaps it shut. He gazes across the café at a couple with a baby in a stroller. The baby is fussing. The mom and dad, taking turns handing it toys and a bottle filled with milk. "I'm glad I have May. She's the only child I want."
It's honest. It's also finite. A long term relationship with Nolan Black means no children of my own. I shake off the thought. "I guess I'm safe to assume that Shelby didn't know about it before last night."
"She didn't," he concurs. "I explained to her last night that she's barking up the wrong tree. She insisted that she'll still get a court order for my DNA to prove I'm the father. I told her to call my lawyer."
A child's life is being broken down into legal briefs and blood samples. That's not how I want it to be when I become a mom. I want my baby to feel loved and wanted. I want every second of my pregnancy to be filled with hope and promise.
