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He raises his eyes from my hand to my face. "Life things. I wasn't ready to grow up. I wanted the wealth my dad could give me without the responsibility."
I can see the pain in his eyes when he talks about his father. It's the same pain I've long felt knowing I haven't lived up to my dad's expectations.
"I didn't know who Brooke was until my father was dying." His body trembles slightly when he says the words. "My parents had separated months before that and my mother was a mess. She was destroyed by his affair but they wouldn't talk about it."
"The affair was with Brooke?" I ask the question even though I'm already certain of the answer.
He nods. "She was decades younger than my dad. She told him she loved him and he left my mother for her. He hid it…her from me."
"But you found out about her before he passed?" I try to say it diplomatically. I've seen the wrenching pain that Jax is in because of his father's death and I don't want to exacerbate that.
He pulls in a heavy breath. "The hospital called one morning and said he was asking for me. I didn't know he was there."
I'm taken back by the admission. It offers me clarity. I now understand how estranged Jax and his father really were. I squeeze his hand again reassuring him so he'll continue, offering him understanding.
"He was so weak. He was frail," he whispers, his voice cracking. "We talked for hours. He told me all about Brooke. She had used him."
"That's horrible."
He pauses as if he's gathering up the will to continue. I can tell he hasn't talked of this before but it's been weighing heavily on him. "He asked me to make things right. He knew she was sleeping with Mark too." He casts his eyes downward. "I knew he was cheating on you then."
I wince, not wanting the confirmation that he held that knowledge for so long. "You didn't know me then," I offer in response.
"I knew Mark had a girlfriend." He smiles slightly. "You two were just dating back then."
I flash back to the night that Mark proposed. Part of me hadn't wanted to admit that his philandering had been a part of our relationship before that day. I know now that when he dropped to his knee and pledged his undying devotion to me that he was already being unfaithful. I briefly stare at my now vacant ring finger.
"When did you know we had become engaged?" I know it's a selfish question given Jax's emotional confessions about his father but my curiosity is peaked.
"I didn't know who you were." He pulls himself across the bed so his knees are now touching mine. "When I arrived at the gala that night I heard someone say that Mark and Ivy were engaged. Any woman in that room could have been Ivy." He traces his finger along my ankle. "It didn't matter at that moment to me who she was." He puts extra measure on the word she.
I furrow my brow not quite understanding what he's saying. "You didn't know I was me?" I giggle and shake my head once the words leave my lips. "I mean you didn't realize that I was Mark's fiancé?"
"Once I knew that he had gotten engaged to his girlfriend I was determined to tell her… to tell you about his relationship with Brooke." He taps his index finger against my leg. "Then I walked into the room and standing in the center of all the madness was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen."
My heart stops for what feels like an eternity. I lock eyes with him and wait breathlessly for him to continue.
"You were searching the room for something. I watched you for so long. You were wearing a beautiful long black gown that showed the gentle curve of your back. Your skin looked so soft." He studies my face as he continues, "your hair was pulled up onto your head." He lifts his finger to trace a line along the side of my chin. "It was falling down in places though so you kept pushing it back with your hand."
I remembered the night but not the details the way that he did. Everyone in the room had melted away because I was so caught up in Mark and in planning my happily-ever-after with him.
"I walked up behind you," he says, his eyes widen as if he's seeing that moment right in front of him. "I breathed in the scent of your skin and I heard your voice for the first time as you said hello to a woman passing by."
I'm awestruck by his recounting of that night. I'm hit by how different things might have been if we'd met then. If he'd pulled his arm around my waist and slid his body next to mine.
"I was reaching out to touch your shoulder and then…" his voice trails as he casts his eyes downward.
"Mark," I murmur.
"He walked into the room and you waved at him." He raises his hand in the air as if to mimic my movements. "There was a flash and something bounced off the light."
"My engagement ring," I say weakly.
He nods in response. "You walked away then. You moved across the floor and into his arms. I knew then that you were Ivy." His hand clenches into a tight fist on the bed between us.
I place my hand over it willing him to let go of the anger. "I still believed in him then."
"I know." His hand softens and he cups it over mine again. "I knew that night that I couldn't let you marry him. I didn't want you to be hurt the way my mother was."
