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“I noticed, except when it comes to you.”
Elise smiles and nods. “Married for forty years this year, dear. It took a while to get him there. It is so lovely to see you don’t have to put up with that from Trey.”
I laugh and am forced to put down my own wine glass. “Your son has been on his best behavior because of you and your husband. Believe me when I say I say I have to put up with him being very bossy. I don’t mind, really, which is odd, because not so long ago I would have thought it would get on my nerves. I’m not saying he hasn’t managed to wear my last nerve a time or two, but I get over it pretty quickly. I would love to see Trey and his father together. I’m dying to see Trey being bossed around and how well he handles it.”
“Oh, Edward isn’t bad when it comes to the boys. In fact, for years he was a complete pushover. It wasn’t until he saw they were becoming spoilt he began to put his foot down. He adores his boys. He is such a good father. I was so worried about being forced into the whole nanny business, but Edward supported me when I said I didn’t want one, and he was a very hands-on father. It made me fall in love with him that much more to see him playing with the children on the lawn, all of them sweating and dirty and grinning like idiots. I simply can’t wait to see Trey with his own children. I do hope you two won’t keep us waiting for long.”
At the naked longing on Elise’s face, ice skates down my back and my stomach tightens into a knot. I force the question out: “How do you know Trey wants children?”
“Oh, he was so looking forward to it when he and Susan first married. I remember thinking aloud when she died at least there had been no children, Trey shook his head and said a child would have made the whole thing worth something. He will be such a good father, I’m sure of it.”
Feeling sick, I paste a smile on and guide the conversation to her return to New York tomorrow.
***
I’m not quite sure how I make it through the evening, apparently I’m not doing a good job of hiding my feelings, as several times Trey sends me searching glances I hide from. It’s barely eight before Trey calls an end to the night, with the excuse of his parents having to be up early the next morning. I can feel his tension as he guides me up the stairs, and this time when he closes the door the lights go on. He doesn’t let me go near the bed, walking me to the picture window.
“Sit and tell me what the heck is going on with you.”
I don’t even think of hiding. “I don’t want children.” I had been hoping Elise was wrong, or that if she weren’t he wouldn’t see it as a big deal, instead his reaction is my deepest fear. He looks like I’ve punched him. His hand even goes to his stomach, and he sits down heavily on the padded chair by the window seat. His confusion and disappointment is all over him.
It takes longer than I would expect for him to look me in the eye. “Why?”
It’s a good question and one that tells me everything. “I just don’t want them. After the miscarriage, it tore me up losing the baby. Then I came to agree with everyone around me I wasn’t ready to be a mother. Then I came to the conclusion I would never be ready to be a mother. Children need so much love and care and they just need you all the time, and I can’t answer those emotions and give what I don’t have.”
“Kate, not so long ago you thought you couldn’t love me, and look where we are now. You would be an amazing mother. I don’t have a single doubt about that. Is this something you’ve talked with Joy about?”
Disappointment flares brightly. He’s going to try and talk me into having kids. I shake my head.
“Hey, look at me. This is exactly the kind of thing you need to talk to Joy about. When it’s about your fear, you cutting yourself off from something because you don’t think you’re good enough or can’t handle the feelings that come with it, then that’s tied to what you went through and things you still need to sort out.”
I’m not hearing him. I can’t be what he needs. I don’t deserve him. I knew this moment was coming, and now it’s here the pain is so blinding I can’t see.
“Damn it, Kate, don’t you dare shut down on me. Look at me. Don’t do this. Don’t you dare push me away. I’m not going anywhere and neither are you. I love you, and if you don’t want children, then we won’t have them.”
His words are fierce, and they should be reassuring, but all I can do is cry—for him and for what he is willing to give up. Just how easily he’s giving up what clearly means so much to him. “No.” It’s a whisper, but he hears it.
In a blur of movement I’m in his arms, and his grip is just short of painful. “I want you to hear me right now. This isn’t going to end us. I won’t let it. If it’s you or children then it’s you. If it’s you or work then it’s you. If it’s you or my parents then the answer is you. Every damn time the answer will always be you. No matter what the question is, I thought I made it clear, but I guess I’ll just have to keep doing it and saying it louder.
“I want you to talk to Joy about it because I don’t like the idea of you not resolving negative feelings about yourself. It isn’t so Joy can talk you into having children, so get that shit out of your head right now.”
His fingers are going to leave bruises, is the stray thought that flutters in as I take in the loud thumping under my ear. Focusing on the thumping, I realize it’s his heart and just how erratic it is, then I feel him shivering. Closing my eyes, I squeeze back my tears. I don’t deserve him, yet the idea of letting him go is too painful. I hug him tight. “I’m sorry,” I whisper again and again.
His hold loosens, and he picks me up. Gently he settles me down on the bed. “Sweetheart, please don’t cry. It makes me crazy when you do that.”
He’s wiping my tears away, and the love and pain is so clear on his face. I hate it’s there because of me. I hate myself for putting it there. My hands go into his hair and I pull him down for a kiss, frantic for him. He gives in, and we make love in a jumble of clothes and breathless kisses.
It’s the beginning of a long, endless night of sex like we haven’t had in months. Enough isn’t enough. We touch and taste as if it’s the f
irst time, but this time it’s better because I know it’s love and it won’t ever end.
***
When the alarm goes off in the morning, I’m tense at what we’ll be like from today on. He made it seem so simple, it still didn’t feel like it would be, could be. It’s one thing for me to not be able to have children, but to deny them to Trey because of my fucked-up emotions is so wrong I can’t believe he is willing to let go of a dream for me.
I’m off today, and for once I’m looking forward to seeing Joy. For the last few appointments Trey hasn’t driven me or picked me up, and that is the plan today. The door to the bathroom opens, and Trey is intent as he leans against the doorframe. I can’t think of anything to say; all I can do is run my eyes over him with lingering hunger. He stopped spending hours in the gym months ago, so he’s lost some muscle, he still spends a night or two there when I work late. His body is no longer the massive coil of muscle it was, but he’s still thick, and there isn’t an ounce of fat anywhere on him.
“I think I should go with you to see Joy.”
