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Pain, sharp and bright, has me catching my breath. At least there are no more tears, no more of those, they aren’t good for the baby. I knew why he was doing it, but knowing it and being confronted with it are two very different things.
I don’t remember how I get through the rest of the day. I focus on wrapping myself mentally in a cocoon, where I can hide and be protected from any more pain inflicted by Enzo.
We go from the appointment to Bethany and Dante’s for dinner, which we’re bringing. Bethany is finally up to having people visit. She’s only been home for a week after two days in the hospital. As badly as I wanted to see the baby, I told her to let us know when she was ready. Alicia’s been by once.
Bethany is cuddling the baby in the family room when Dante shows us into the house.
“Hi, how are you feeling?” I try to restrain myself from begging to hold the baby.
She laughs. “Like I just had a baby. Better but oh man, am I wishing I had a cesarean like Alicia. Meet Massimo, our little chunky man, Mass for short. He was supposed to be named Rafael. We still have dibs on the name, by the way.”
Ah, he’s so cute. I take him; he’s sleepy and barely stirs when Bethany puts him in my arms. “Bethany...” I run my hand over his head, so soft. He even smells like heaven.
“Don’t you dare cry on my baby. I’m done crying. Man, the hormones wrecked my ass the first few days. Nope, no more crying.”
Blinking fast, I startle when Enzo guides me to sit down. “You look like you’re about to fall down.”
Clutching Massimo tight. “I’m fine, he’s just so beautiful.”
Enzo nods as he smiles. “He’s not half-bad. He looks like Dante down to those cheeks they look like they’re stuffed.”
“Don’t be calling my son fat.” Dante frowns.
“I didn’t say he was fat. Chill out. Not enough sleep?”
Dante sighs as he sits next to Bethany. “Actually, not too bad. He’s sleeping for four hours already, we’re lucky he’s pretty chill right now. He sat in a leaking diaper for we don’t even know how long, but when he’s hungry he screams bloody murder. When he’s awake he’ll do this snuffling thing where he’ll try and suck on his hand, that’s your warning. But when he’s asleep you don’t get a warning, he just wakes up screaming. Scares the shit out of me every damn time. Trying to get a bottle with him carrying on like that, fuck, I’ve dropped more bottles than I can count. Claudine finally has us down to making sure we have at least three bottles made up at all times.”
“Claudine is helping out?”
They both nod as they smile. “I was against us hiring a nurse or nanny. I’m home, Dante’s home, we can do this is what I was thinking. Yeah, I was wrong. We’ve never done this before, we had no idea what we were doing. Claudine has saved us, from showing us how we don’t have to give him a bath every night, we just wipe him down, to how we do give him his first bath. Making sure we have bottles made up, and all these little things we had no idea we needed to know. She’s getting a raise and someone to help her out so she can help us.” Bethany leans into Dante. “Babe, I’m starving.”
“I’m sorry, my bad. Chloe told me to put it in the oven but I didn’t want to carry it while it was hot. It needs a half hour.” Enzo stands, ready to go into the kitchen.
“I’ll get you some cheese bread until it’s done, okay?” Dante gives her a kiss when she nods. “Come on, you’re helping me.” Dante motions to Enzo.
When t
hey leave I go to sit beside her. “How are you really doing?”
“It’s weird. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of sleep or what, but it feels surreal right now. All this time I’ve been dreaming of him, and now he’s finally here. I love Dante, with my whole heart, he will own every part of me until I die. But I look at Mass and I...” She shakes her head. “I don’t have the words.”
Nodding as I look down at him. “I get it.”
“You know, before I met Dante I had this kind of struggle with the whole, I was half-Mexican this half of me that I never knew. For the longest time I felt like I didn’t belong with anyone, didn’t fit in. Then I met Dante and I fit with him. With Cesare, Alicia, we were a family, we belonged together. I hadn’t thought of it in forever. Until the day the nurse put him in my arms. A part of me was a little sad he looked like Dante, nothing like me but when he looked up at me... I swear it was like he knew me, just because we didn’t look alike didn’t mean he wasn’t a part of me, that we didn’t fit.”
She leans against me. “I thought you said no crying.” I remind her.
“I can change my mind. I’m a hormonal woman who’s just given birth. Isn’t he just the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?”
I feel his eyes on me, I look up to see Enzo leaning against the door frame, his face is soft, the dimple is peaking out at me. I nod. “The most beautiful thing ever.”
***
Chloe
As the weeks pass Enzo is driving me crazy because he keeps yanking me out of the cocoon. From leaving the office at five on the dot, to the business trip he cancels because I wasn’t feeling well, despite my telling him I was fine, he’d only be gone two days. He refuses to answer his phone during times he’s declared ours, like during lunch or from dinner on. It didn’t matter that one time he lost out on the bid he made for a substantial share in a company; he shrugged and said there’d be other companies. He’s doing all the things I wanted him to do in the beginning.
I’m telling myself it’s for the baby, but sometimes he blinks fast when I bring up the baby as though he forgot. Even though I’m getting bigger by the day. Enzo refuses to hear me complain about the way my body is changing. He swears he loves every new inch, although it is mainly just around my curves. If anything my face has slimmed slightly, although I’m no longer losing weight and am even putting on the weight the doctor wanted me to. I believe him—he becomes even greedier, hungrier than he’s ever been.
