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She shifted away from his touch. “Right before you betrayed me for the second time.”
“I have never betrayed you. The first time I left you on the island, it was because I believed you’d be safer there. I told you before I left the second time that what I was being called away for had nothing to do with Petrov.”
“You lied by admission.”
He tilted his head. “Omission?”
“You know what I meant.”
“Either way, it wasn’t a lie. I was called away on another matter that was of an urgent nature. I specifically told you I would be back within forty-eight hours. Even as I spoke those words, you were planning your departure.”
“You lied to me about everything. You told me you wouldn’t use sex to get answers from me, but that’s exactly what you did. You told me we’d plan together to go after Petrov. Another lie.”
“No, Raketa. I didn’t do any of those things, and I didn’t lie to you. You, on the other hand, lied about trust. You told me you’d never trusted anyone, but I begged you to believe in me, trust me. I understand now why you couldn’t.”
“Why couldn’t I?”
“The entire time, it was I who couldn’t trust you. I was just too stupid to see it.” Gunner got up and walked to the other side of the room, running his hand through his hair.
It was easy to say things like that out of anger, but he wasn’t angry anymore. He was hurt. Way down deep in his soul, he ached, knowing that he’d been right all along. He’d never find love like his partners had. Maybe it was because he didn’t deserve it. Maybe if he’d tried harder to get through to Lena, he could’ve saved her, even if she couldn’t have ever loved him the way she’d loved Doc. Maybe living his life without love was his penance for all the horrible things he’d done in his life in the name of freedom and ridding the world of evil.
He walked back and unlocked the handcuffs binding Raketa’s wrists.
“If you want to go, I won’t stop you. But first, I want you to listen to me.”
She shook her arms and then nodded.
“I do love you. I know you don’t believe me, but I’m telling the truth. It’s the reason I’m here, the reason I wanted to find you, and the reason I want to keep you safe. I can’t imagine a world without you in it. I don’t want you to have to fight Petrov and United Russia on your own. I want to help you. I want to help you find your mother. That’s why I’m here, Raketa.”
He turned his back to her. “That’s all I had to say. I don’t want you to go, but if you do, I won’t try to stop you.”
He waited a long time after he heard the door of the hotel room close before he considered turning around. He couldn’t bear the fact that she’d left without saying a word.
16
She’d opened and closed the door of the room to see if he really meant he wouldn’t try to stop her. And he didn’t. She stood perfectly still, barely breathing, waiting for him to turn around and see she was still there. She’d almost gone to him when she saw his shoulders hunch, but she couldn’t bring herself to move.
There, before her, was proof that he hadn’t lied to her. At least not about everything. He did love her.
It didn’t change the fact that, ultimately, she would have to leave. Raketa couldn’t risk going against what the voice had demanded of her when whoever it was, clearly knew every move she was making.
“Gunner,” she murmured, unable to stand watching his pain a moment longer.
He spun around. “I don’t understand. Why are you still here?”
Now that he knew she was, she had no idea what to say. Should she tell him she was sorry, but she had to go? He’d given her the opportunity to do so without explanation.
“I…”
He walked toward her.
“Talk to me, Rocket Girl.”
“You aren’t stupid.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“I believed you. When you said you’d help me, I believed you. When you said you loved me, I believed that too. When you left and wouldn’t tell me why, I told myself it was all a lie. Everything you said to me. That’s the only way I could force myself to leave—by convincing myself you were betraying me.”
