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“I didn’t say I did. I said Poppy suggested that as a possible reason.”
“Is there any truth to it?”
Saylor turned again and looked out the window. “I don’t like to think of myself as a trite person, Monk, but why didn’t you tell me you were back in the States and staying in Washington DC with Onyx? You’ve been here three days. Why didn’t you tell me you were here?” She held up her hand when he took a deep breath. “Rhetorical questions, Monk. I’m not looking for an answer. In fact, I don’t want one.”
“As you said with Poppy, I’m sorry to bring up Onyx again, but like you, he accused me of hypocrisy.”
“He was right.”
She looked over her shoulder; Monk was smiling.
“The girls and I are going to Manzanita with my mom and Poppy. We’re leaving this afternoon.”
“Razor mentioned the trip.”
“What will you do?”
“I’m not certain yet.”
“I have things to do to get ready.”
Monk reached out and put his hand on the small of Saylor’s back. She didn’t shrug it away, but she didn’t turn to him either. Her emotions were all over the place, in part because of the overwhelming fear she felt when she’d seen Cliff right outside her door, but also because Monk was there.
It would be too easy to turn to him, let him comfort her, only to have him walk out of her life over and over again. It wasn’t just his job. That was something else Poppy was right about. Razor had worked it out so he wasn’t gone all the time. He wasn’t the only one. Doc and Merrigan were married with a family; it was the same with Gunner and Raketa. Hell, most of the K19 team was married and either had children or they were on the way.
If they could figure it out, so could Monk. The difference was, he didn’t want to. He was perfectly comfortable living a life separate from hers, only dropping in when it suited him.
It was better not to be in any relationship versus one that left her feeling as though she wasn’t important enough to make an effort for.
She turned and put her hand on his cheek. “I care about you, Monk, and I wish you every happiness, but I can’t let you waltz in and out of my life. It isn’t about the girls at this point. I know that I’ve used them as an excuse in the past, wanting to protect them from hurt. This, though, is all about me.” She leaned forward, touched her lips to his, walked past him to the door, and opened it. “Goodbye, Monk.”
—:—
He hesitated only momentarily. What he heard in Saylor’s voice was different than any other time she’d said goodbye to him. This time, there was no ambivalence, no room for talking it out. He didn’t touch her on his way out, didn’t try to kiss her, didn’t even look into her eyes. “Goodbye, Saylor.”
He was off the deck before the door closed, and he didn’t look back.
“How’d it go?” Razor asked when Monk walked into the office.
“With?”
Razor spun around in his chair. “My sister, asshole.”
“Fine.”
“Right,” he said, returning to whatever he was working on.
“We need to talk about her detail.”
“You freelancing on this one, Monk, or are you part of the team?”
His first inclination was to walk out, but Razor was right to call him out. He was part of a team; he was a partner. Going off on his own, not letting anyone know he was here, was a jackass move on his part.
“I shouldn’t have handled it the way I did.”
“That’s a start.”
“Meaning?”
