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“I promised Decker I would,” he said as he stood and walked toward the door.
“Where are you going?”
“I work better alone.”
“But—”
He held up his hand. “Whatever I find, I’ll share.”
I watched Buck and Irish talk on the porch for a few minutes, wishing I could hear what they were saying.
I’d always been a nosy eavesdropper. Barb used to say that was what made a good reporter. She’d also say that as soon as my curiosity languished, I might as well hang up my press credentials.
She’d certainly never lost her penchant for sticking her nose into anything that caught her attention. She’d believed she lost the way to get her stories out to the world. She tried through me, and I’d shut her down.
God, what a selfish, unappreciative bitch I’d been to her. If only I could go back and do that last day over with her. There were so many things I’d change, starting with being a fuck of a lot nicer to the woman who had given up years of her life to take care of my mom and me. How had I thanked her? By telling her I could never repay her and that included by giving up my book. God, what was wrong with me?
I went into the bedroom to get my laptop. Instead, I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. I could say I was going to avenge Barb’s death, but wasn’t I the one who’d caused it? Hadn’t I refused to give up writing the book even after she warned me of the consequences?
I fell back on the bed, rolled to my side, and sobbed. I was responsible for the death of the woman who had done everything for me. Me. No one else. Just me.
“Hey,” I heard Buck say in a soft voice. I felt his weight when he got on the bed, behind me. He put his arm around my waist and pulled me against him and then rolled me toward him. I buried my face in his chest. “Shh,” he murmured, stroking my hair. I cried and cried, and all the while, Buck held me.
When I opened my eyes, it was dark in the room and Buck was still beside me. “Better?” he asked.
“I must’ve fallen asleep.”
“You wore yourself out, darlin’.”
I put my hand on his shirt; it was wet. “I’m sorry.”
He stroked my cheek with his thumb. “Nothing to be sorry for. I’m glad I can be the person who’s there for you when you need to let out all that sorrow.”
“There were so many things she wanted me to work on, and I disregarded all of them. In fact, I only read the first few she sent me. After that, I just ignored them.” I looked into Buck’s eyes. “Oh my God, I just ignored them. What if there were leads relating to Operation Argead? Or about Kerr or Hennessey?”
“When you say you ignored them, what do you mean exactly?”
“I filed them.”
“Where?”
“In an email mailbox.”
Buck breathed an audible sigh. “So you still have them?”
“I do.” I started to get up, but Buck tightened his hold on me. “Hang on a minute, Stella. We don’t have to dive in tonight. You’ve already had a long day.”
I wriggled free. “This is what I was talking about, Buck. I can’t get distracted by anything else. When I have to work, I have to work. Besides, I work better at night.”
He sat up. “Let’s get at it.”
“You can sleep if you want to.”
Buck stood, and so did I. He cupped my cheek with his palm. “I told you, I can’t sleep if I don’t hear your voice, Stella. I don’t think it’ll work if you just holler at me from the other room.”
Four hours later, Buck and I had gone through every email Barb sent me, reading and re-reading them. If there were any clues in them, they were buried under more cloak and dagger than the Marvel comic books of the same name.
“This was a waste of time,” I muttered.
