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Ben ran his hand over his head and walked back and forth in the kitchen, then hit the counter with his hand. “Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”
He sat down next to her.
“You said it because we’re pretending. We’re pretending that we know each other. We’re pretending that this is fun, and perfect, and everything we want it to be, but the truth is, we’re all walking on eggshells. Even Luke.”
She was right. The first thing Luke did every morning was come and crawl in bed with them. It was as though he was checking to make sure Liv was still there.
“The only person who has expressed and dealt with their uneasiness is Jake. I’m including myself in this, Ben. I haven’t done it either.”
Ben put his head in his hands. “You hurt me, Liv.”
“I know.”
“Did I hurt you?”
“No, you didn’t. You only scare me.”
“I scare you. As in you’re afraid of me?”
“I’m afraid of letting myself depend on you. I don’t know how. I’m used to being on my own, not relying on anyone else.”
“You rely on Paige and Mark. You rely Dottie and Bill, too.” He didn’t say Billy. He hoped she didn’t rely on him. “And Renie.”
“With the exception of my daughter, I keep very strict boundaries with everyone you mentioned, even Paige. Do you know the last time I talked to her?”
“No.”
“Neither do I. It was sometime before Christmas. But the thing is, it doesn’t matter. We’ll talk when we want to, but we don’t have to.”
“Are you suggesting that’s how you want it to be with us?”
“Not at all, but it’s the way I am, Ben. You need more.”
“Please tell me we’re not going back to that again.”
“But it’s true. You need more from me than I know how to give.”
“So we’re at an impasse. I love you, and I want you in my life. But according to you, I need you too much. Before you say it, I know you’re right. I do need you, all the time. I want you all the time too.” Ben tilted her chin. “Is that so bad?”
“Ben, listen to me. You need more than I know how to give. It’s not that I can’t, or don’t want to, I don’t know how to.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that I’m willing to learn. Why do you think I came to Crested Butte?”
“To ski?”
“No, Ben. I came to Crested Butte because I love you, and I need you in my life. It isn’t just barrel racing, it’s you too. You’re part of the dream, Ben. You.”
“You love me?”
“You know I do, Ben. Like I’ve never loved anyone before.”
“Then why is this so hard?”
“I’ve been telling you we need to talk. We haven’t yet.”
“Okay, let’s talk. What do you—”
