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She gritted her teeth, barely containing a fierce wave of resentment at his assumption. When she could bring herself to speak again with some semblance of control, the words were grated out with biting emphasis. “We lived together for two years, Quin. Marriage was not on your agenda. I didn’t want and still don’t want a shotgun wedding because of an accidental pregnancy.”
“It was accidental then?”
“I certainly didn’t plan it,” she threw at him, shocked that he could think otherwise.
“You were supposed to be taking a highly effective birth control pill,” he reminded her.
“My doctor explained it can lose its effect if one has a bad stomach upset. You might recall the food poisoning I got from a party we attended,” she answered curtly, then shot him a puzzled look. “Why on earth would you think I’d deliberately get pregnant?”
He shook his head. “I’m trying to understand why you didn’t tell me. Zoe is part of me, too, Nicole. Why couldn’t you share her with me? I’ve missed so much…”
“Why couldn’t you share with me what your mother told me tonight?” she shot back at him, refusing to let guilt worm through her consciousness.
“It had nothing to do with you,” he answered, instantly justifying the decisions she’d made five years ago.
“You’re right!” she snapped. “I was only ever on the edge of your life, not at the heart of it. I couldn’t live like that with you any more. And I didn’t want it for Zoe, either.”
“You were at the heart of pleasure for me, Nicole,” he said quietly. “The other was pain.”
“Well let me tell you, Quin, love is about sharing both pain and pleasure, and you’d better start learning that if you intend to be a good father to Zoe.”
Her voice shook with the strong emotions that had been coursing through her all evening, and she tried valiantly to clamp down on them, not wanting to reveal how much she wanted his love, how much she had always wanted it. His focus on their daughter was actually making her feel jealous of Zoe, and that couldn’t lead anywhere good.
They stopped at a red traffic light and Quin turned to her, a deadly serious expression on his face, his eyes intensely concentrated on hers, making her heart thump in the helpless hope she was important to him—deeply, irrevocably important to him. Not just for the pleasure of the sexual intimacy they could so easily achieve. Not because she was the mother of his child. She needed to be the woman he loved above all others, the one he truly would share his life with. All of it. Not some piece he selected to give, excluding her from other parts.
“What you heard from my mother tonight…it wasn’t only my life story, Nicole,” he said earnestly. “It was hers, too. A very private, painful story that drove her into exile from her home country. She didn’t want it told to anyone here. And that wasn’t ever going to end until I ended it, as I did when I paid back the money. I’m free of it now, free to take on other responsibilities and give them the attention they should have.”
Responsibilities…was that how he thought of marriage and fatherhood? She didn’t want it to be a point of honour for him to marry her—a responsibility he had take on and carry for the rest of his life.
“I understand you felt…sidelined…when we were together before,” he went on. “I can’t go back and change that, but I promise you it will be different this time.”
“What? No sex?” she scoffed, the crass challenge spilling out of her own thwarted desire for him, heating her whole body with an instant wave of shame.
For several seconds the air in the car was charged with steaming frustrations—his and hers. Then a car-horn behind them honked its driver’s frustration. The red traffic light had turned green. Quin switched his attention back to the road, put his foot on the accelerator and the Audi responded with a swift surge of speed.
“As much sex as you like,” he growled, once they were travelling smoothly again.
Nicole couldn’t stop herself from sniping, “Really? I thought that had been sidelined since you met your daughter.”
“There’ve been other things to consider,” came the terse reply.
“Like planning a wedding without bothering to get my consent?”
“Like trying to clear up the past so we can build a future on mutual trust.”
“We need more than trust to build a future.”
“I thought great sex was a given, but if you need that reinforced…”
“I wasn’t talking about sex.”
“Yes, you were.” His eyes smoked anger at her. “If that’s the only thing I’m good for, as far as you’re concerned, I’ll make it so good you can’t live without it.”
He deftly manoeuvred the Audi across traffic lanes as he spoke and suddenly took a left hand turn, startling Nicole into asking, “What are you doing?”
“Going to a hotel where we’ll be assured of absolute privacy.”
Her heart catapulted around her chest. She hadn’t been talking about sex. Love had been on her mind. Trust and love. Yet she couldn’t deny the adrenaline rush at the exciting thought of going to bed with Quin, having him to herself again, drowning out the confusion and conflicts of the past few days with sheer, mind-blasting physical chemistry.
