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MATT finished his breakfast and cleaned up, impatient to be gone, out of his apartment and on his way to work. He felt a constant, miserable sense of emptiness here, with Peta gone. The apartment was still as functional a place as it had ever been, handy for everything, but stripped of her belongings, her feminine bits and pieces, her perfume, her presence...it was a painful reminder of what he didn’t have.
Still, it had only been a month since she’d left, scrupulously taking nothing of his with her. If he didn’t count the short span of his life they’d spent together. That was gone, though he couldn’t get it out of his mind. This apartment held the imprint of both the best and the worst of it.
He really should look for another place to live. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to let it go. Couldn’t bring himself to let her go, he corrected himself. Which was damned stupid, considering the ring of finality in the note she’d left behind.
I’m no good to you, Matt. I’m sorry. Truly sorry...
What use was sorry? It showed a measure of caring, he supposed, though she’d shown precious little caring towards him. People said sorry when they didn’t know what else to say, a nicety thrown out to cover not actually doing anything.
He shook his head and moved briskly into action, collecting what he needed for work. Five minutes later he was in his car and facing the usual morning traffic snarl. It was worse this time of year with Christmas coming up and shoppers eager to start the day early. Matt schooled himself to be patient. Nothing was going to move until it was ready to move.
The trip from Bondi to Taylor Square went at snail pace. However, once he was on South Dowling Street, the run towards the airport and Rockdale moved more smoothly. Stopped by a red light, he watched a Qantas jet coming in to land at Mascot and wondered if Peta was on it. She’d gone back to work. Megan had told him so the one time he’d called to ask about her.
Which meant the depression had lifted. Matt was glad of it for Peta’s sake, but getting herself together had obviously made no difference to how she viewed their marriage. Or him. He supposed the next contact she made would be about a divorce.
The light turned green and the traffic moved. His car phone rang. It was his mother calling.
“I was wondering what to do about Christmas, Matt.”
“Whatever you want to do, Mum,” he answered, totally disinterested in the festive season.
“Well... I hate asking you this, but you haven’t said...is there any chance of you and Peta getting back together?”
Matt grimaced. He hadn’t talked about it to his mother because he was too acutely conscious of the doubts she’d voiced about their marriage and he couldn’t bear her saying, “I told you so.”
“It isn’t likely,” he said shortly.
“Then...” She hesitated, aware she was on sensitive ground. “...It’s not likely we’ll be spending Christmas with the Kelly family? It’s just that they did invite me...at the wedding.”
“Better let it go, Mum. Make your own plans,” he advised, silently mocking himself for handing out advice he couldn’t take himself.
“All right, dear. I’m sorry...”
“Not to worry,” he quickly assured her. He’d had a gutful of sorry. “I’ll call you later in the week and you can tell me what you want for Christmas.” She always did.
“That would be nice, Matt.”
He breathed a sigh of relief as she ended the call. He didn’t want to talk about Peta. It screwed him up. Much better to bury himself in work. They certainly had enough of it at the factory with the Christmas rush. Extra orders for logo T-shirts were pouring in. He had a full day ahead of him, thank God! He needed to work to the point of exhaustion where he didn’t notice the emptiness in the bed in his empty apartment.
“Flight attendants, please take your seats for landing.”
Peta was glad to sit down and buckle up. The early morning three-hour trip from Cairns to Sydney was a busy one for the stewardesses—serving three hundred breakfasts to people reading cumbersome newspapers, then cleaning up afterwards. She would be glad to get home and have a couple of days off, too. The run of flights to far North Queensland were unsettling.
Having to stay overnight in Cairns, so close to Port Douglas where she and Matt had spent their honeymoon, inevitably triggered memories. They’d had a wonderful time together. Not even the black pit she’d fallen into after the miscarriage could cast a shadow over the fun they had shared before she lost the baby. When she thought of the various men there’d been in her life, Matt had definitely been the best companion, in every way.
She missed that companionship now. Very badly. Even the intimate aspect of it. Lust or love...the pleasure of it had been quite intense at times. A month ago, she couldn’t have believed she would crave it again, but she did in the lonely stretches of the night, especially last night, remembering the wild satisfying of each other’s every desire on their honeymoon.
A rueful sigh escaped her. They were probably flying over Rockdale right now, coming in to land. Matt would be on his way to work, or there already, snowed under with business. Christmas was a prime opportunity for merchandising.
She shied off the thought of Christmas, a family day, for children. Matt was probably going to hate it this year, too.
She’d done him terrible damage.
Impossible to undo it.
The plane touched down and gradually decelerated along the tarmac. Peta switched her mind back onto her duties. Once the passengers were disembarked, there was the business of checking in, but it wouldn’t be long before she was off for the rest of the day. Maybe she would call Megan and see if her sister was free for a visit.
She was in the staff room, on the point of leaving the airport, when one of the pilots casually commented, “Oh, there was a guy asking after you, Peta.”
