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“There's more than two thousand files here.”
Carmen modified it to sort the items by date, and then she scrolled down to the oldest file. The dates went back five years, almost to the day when Desireé married Roland. She knew she would have to at least look at each file. Not only did they make her feel closer to Desireé, but Carmen never could get past the last words from the first letter she read. I think somebody is. Carmen was convinced that Desireé knew what was going on and she would find it in these letters. But there were too many files for her to copy to disk and she didn't want to spend days at Roland's house reading. She thought about asking Roland to let her borrow the computer, but she didn't want to explain why. In spite of what Marcus and Garrett felt, she still thought that Roland could be responsible for Desireé's death.
FROM INSIDE THE SOUL OF DESIREÉ TAYLOR FERGUSON
Hi big Sis,
There is a bright side to the turmoil that's going on in the life of Desireé Marie Taylor. Guess what Carm?
I'M IN LOVE!
Now, I know what you are going to say, but Dez, you're already married. But it's true, I'm in love with a wonderful man. His name is Rasheed Damali. The down side is that I know Roland will never let me go. I signed a pre-nuptial agreement and I refuse to leave with nothing after all I've given of myself to that man. So for the time being, Rasheed and I will have to keep playing Roland's game until we can figure a way for me to get out from under his thumb. Sometimes I hate the day I met him. He is so controlling. I should have listened to you and never married him. Rasheed is good to me, Carmen, he treats me with respect, not like some object for his entertainment. Porsche keeps trying to tell me he's no good, but I think she just wants him for herself, because he is so fine. She's been getting more and more scandalous since she's been smoking that rock. She doesn't know that I know, I may be naïve but I'm not a fool. And that pain in the ass India, she just wants to keep me for herself. Sometimes I wish I had never given her any. She is riding hard on my very last nerve and if I have to listen to how hard I'm making her clit, I'm gonna slap the black off her pretty black ass.
Carmen tapped the keyboard while she studied the dates. It all began with Suzanne's death. She looked for dates two weeks before Desireé's murder and opened it.
FROM INSIDE THE SOUL OF DESIREÉ TAYLOR FERGUSON
Hi big Sis,
Something happened to Suzanne yesterday and I just don't know how I'm going to deal with it. Damn, I can't even write the words much less say them out loud. But I have to, at some point I have to stop hiding from reality and face it. But I don't know if I'm strong enough. It made me think about Mercedes. Go ahead and say it, not again, Dez? Can't you move on from that? I can and have, but it's what I was thinking. Anyway, what happened to Suzanne has something to do with Frank, Suzanne's husband. Suzanne told me that he's into something. She didn't tell me what it was, but Frank knows, and he knows what happened to her is his fault. I could see it in his eyes when he told me, so I know it's not what they think. Suzanne doesn't like pain. I wanted so badly to ask him what he was doing, but I was too scared. Scared that what happened to her will happen to me.
I love you, Carmen, and I miss you so much. Come home soon and save me from this life you told me I would hate living.
When Carmen finished reading the letter she rechecked the dates of the files her search returned. There was a gap of four days where she didn't write anything. Which made sense to Carmen, seeing that she was in denial about Suzanne's death. Her first thought was to call Marcus and tell him what she'd read, but she had to laugh first at what Desireé said about India.
You were right, Dez, India is a pain in the ass.
Then she remembered that she was giving herself some space, so she decided to read on. Most of the letters were just a line or two about something that had happened to her on that particular day. Then she read a letter that she had to let Dominique read. “Dominique, there's something here that I think you should read.”
“What does it say, Carmen?”
“I think you should read this for yourself,” Carmen said getting up from the chair to allow Dominique to sit down.
FROM INSIDE THE SOUL OF DESIREÉ TAYLOR FERGUSON
Hi big Sis,
Well, it's finally happened, I am officially a mental case. But not to worry, big Sis, I'm just seeing someone to talk things out. I've been a little depressed lately and I even thought about suicide once or twice, so before I get completely off the chain, I thought I should see somebody. Roland doesn't know and I'm not going to tell your mother either, she is much too judgmental about everything for me to share this chapter of my life with her. Besides, Carm, you know what she'll say, You are a Taylor, Desireé. You must be stronger than the forces around you. No daughter of mine is crazy. And believe me, Carmen, I'm not crazy, but I just think this is a good thing for me right now. SO DON'T JUDGE ME!
My shrinks name is Dr Phyllis Parker, she’s a nice white woman, in her late thirties I guess. I had my first session two weeks ago; we met last week and again today. We talk for an hour. More like, she asks me leading questions and I talk. It's incredible how much I remember about us growing up. To be honest with you, that was the last time I was really happy was when we were one big happy family. I wish you never left. I never told you this and I would never say it to your mothers face, but I think she was dead wrong to leave you locked up the way she did. Anything could have happened to you. And when that woman tried to feel you up in the shower, she could have killed you if you hadn't kicked her ass first and got yourself separated from the rest of those people. I wouldn't have survived that. I would have let her have my body, as long as she didn't hurt me. Anyway, we spend a lot of time talking about your mother. I think I know where she's going with all this, I've always been seeking her love, and doing things to get your mothers attention, and at the same time seeking but never earning her love or approval. And since you've been gone and I wasn't getting it from her, I'd seek the love of others. I think that's why I let the people in my life take sexual advantage of me. It seems that because of her lack of affection, I equate love with sex. I give my love freely. But it's not love that I get in return, so I continue to seek, but never earn their love or approval. Damn, Carm, I sure hope you’re not as fucked up in the head as I am.
By the time Dominique finished reading the letter on the screen, tears were rolling down her cheeks. She looked over her shoulder, Carmen was crying, too.
“Is that what you girls thought of me?”
“Yes, mother. I can see now what you were trying to do. But then, it seemed like nothing we did was ever good enough for you.”
“I just wanted you girls to always strive for more.”
“To never be satisfied, to always want the next rung on the ladder,” Carmen recited the words Dominique had said to them so many times.
“You remembered.”
“Of course I do. You'd be surprised how often I hear you talking to me. I used to hate it, but it's made me stronger, made me push myself, work hard
er. But not Dez. I can tell from reading these letters that I was holding Dez together. I was her strength.”
“Desireé never was as strong as you, Carmen. You to were so close and she depended on you too much. That's why I pushed you harder, because I thought Desireé would gain something from your example.”
