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Everything would be different now if I weren’t such a dick then. I’d give everything for Heidi Jo, so I certainly don’t regret what I had with her Momma. She is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. I just wish Carly Jo could have given me a child to share as well. Maybe one day? Ah who the hell am I kiddin’?
I don’t even remember walkin’ from Momma’s house to mine, but I’m here, all alone and the silence is deafenin’. Every voice I hear, is Carly Jo’s, her cries echoin’ through my mind, like a broken record. I turn the TV on, turnin’ the volume up, to drown out the sounds that are only present in my memory. No matter how hard I try to push out the pain, it’s still there, hauntin’ me. The anguish on her face as she pounded her fists into my chest was a look I will never forget, no matter how hard I try.
I just want to hit the bottle again, and drown all of my sorrows in Jack, my long lost friend. Drink Carly Jo off my mind, just to numb the pain. But gettin’ shit faced is only a temporary cure to the heartache. Shit! I thought these last seven years were livin’ hell, but right now I am burning in the fiery inferno; flames gnawin’ at my soul, eatin’ me alive from the inside out. What the hell did I do?
Pinchin’ the bridge of my nose, I suck back the tears that are threatenin’ to escape. I’ve cried enough tonight, regardless of how bad my heart shreds at the pain. I tore my family apart, and didn’t even know it. Everything that could have been, is forever lost.
My body is restless, my nerves twitch and throb. I begin to pace the floor, tryin’ to concentrate on what I can do to fix this shit. The memory of tonight floods my mind, and the tears escape. Damn this all feels like a friggin’ dream. Hell, I wish it was. I don’t know how to move on, where to go, or what to do.
I click the TV off, and turn on the iPod. Christina Aquilera and Blake Shelton’s duet of Just a Fool bellows through the speaker, and I just laugh at myself, and the foolish mistake I made. There is no turnin’ back. All I can do now is accept my mistakes and try to mend what I broke, if Carly Jo will even let me.
Sittin’ down in my leather recliner, I lay the chair back, crossin’ my arms behind my head, and let my thoughts consume me, as the music continues to play. Rascall Flatts Come Wake Me Up is playin’ now, and I wish to God Carly Jo would wake me from this horrendous nightmare. Before I know it, I’m startled by the screechin’ sound of the alarm on the iPod.
When I get to work, I do everything I can to dodge the wrath of Carly Jo. Usually, I’m back and forth between my office and underground. But right now, I can’t bear to see her face. So I hide out beneath the surface of the earth, and find peace in the rumblin’ motors of the miner, pinner and scoops that operate around me, thankful for the distraction of my thoughts.
By day three, when she didn’t show up for the weekly Supervisors meetin’, I know I may have dodged her wrath for now, but that’s only because she’s broken. Once she repairs her wounds enough to take flight again, my ass is grass.
I ask Shelly where Carly Jo has been, and she tells me that she won’t be in for the week, because she is sick. Yeah, sick with a damn shattered heart. I thought about callin’ her, or stoppin’ by to check on her, but I don’t want to add insult to injury. So I send her a couple tex
t messages, but get no reply. She’ll let me know when she’s ready to talk.
Today is Heidi Jo’s weekly pit stop at the ice cream shop, so as soon as I pull into the driveway she is waitin’ on me. Standin’ on the front porch in her pink sparkly tutu, and her hair pulled to the side in a knotted messy pony tail, I can see she has been playin’ dress up, again. She is bouncin’ up and down, full of excitement, ready to conquer her rocky rode treat.
“Daddy, Daddy, I’ve been so good all day! I listened to my teacher at school, I did my homework, and helped Mamaw with the dishes, picked up my dolls. Can we please hurry and go get some rocky rode ice cream, now, please, please, oh please?!” She shrills as she latches her chubby little arms around my waist. Liftin’ her, and spinnin’ her around, I lay a light kiss on her nose before settin’ her down.
“Sweetie, let me get a shower, you don’t wanna go out with your daddy looking like this, now do ya?” I tease her.
Poppin’ her hip to the side, she crosses her arms and says with a cocky little grin, “Daddy, I don’t ever care if you’re covered in coal, but Carly Jo probably thinks you’re cuter when you’re clean. So go get a shower, stinky butt.”
Damn I didn’t expect that. Buyin’ myself some time, I kiss her on the top of the head before I ruffle her messy hair, then turn to go inside to shower. Heidi Jo took a likin’ to Carly Jo last week, and she’s talked non-stop about her. I walk into the kitchen, and greet Momma with a kiss, before she shoos me away, complainin’ about me trackin’ coal and soot through the house. I hurry down the hall to the bathroom, to get cleaned up.
Washin’ away the day’s hard work of diggin’ away at the earth, minin’ black gold from the mountains, I watch as the black stained suds rinse down the drain. I rest my head against the shower wall, as the hot water beads down my back. I have tried to push Carly Jo out of mind over the last week, but every mornin’ when I open my eyes, she’s the first thing I see. With every thought that runs through my mind, she’s there. I can’t turn away from her, I love her too much. But I don’t know how to move forward from here. We both have a lot of heartache that we need to heal from, but maybe we need to battle our own demons before we collide our worlds together.
Turnin’ the shower off, I step out and dry off. After gettin’ dressed, I find Heidi Jo sittin’ at the kitchen table colorin’ a picture. “Ready for some rocky rode ice cream, baby girl?”
She shakes her head, as she continues to color, “Not yet, Daddy, I’m almost finished with Carly Jo’s picture. You’re just gonna have to wait.” Damn, I was really hopin’ she would get this idea out of her mind.
“Princess, I was thinkin’ we would go for ice cream tonight, just you and me like always. We’ll go see Carly Jo some other time, okay?” She shakes her head again, as she grips the crayon tighter, making darker shades of yellow for the rays of the sun in her portrait. “What are you drawin’ anyways?”
She continues her art, ignorin’ me. I can tell that she’s gettin’ frustrated, so I give her a couple more minutes to finish her picture. As I sit and watch her color, I see that she has drawn a picture of a little girl on a swing, and a woman pushin’ the swing from behind. I smile, because I know that this is a picture of her and Carly Jo.
Layin’ the crayon down, Heidi Jo looks up at me with swelled chocolate eyes, and tears the size of rain drops slidin’ down her face. Pickin’ her up, I sit her down in my lap, and ask her what’s wrong. She cries for a few minutes, and I let her. After her cries have softened, she climbs out of my lap, grabs the picture then goes to the livin’ room to slide on her flip flops. “I’m ready to go now, Daddy.” Heidi Jo says in a small, sad voice. She isn’t pouty, but simply sad.
I let Momma know we’re goin’ out for ice cream, then walk Heidi Jo out to my truck. We drive to the ice cream shop in silence, which is unlike Heidi Jo, because the girl never shuts up.
We share a bowl of rocky rode ice cream, but Heidi Jo’s spirits still ain’t lifted. My little girl is shatterin’ my already broken heart. As we drive home, I look in my rear view mirror and see that she still looks sad, so I take a little detour. We pull into the driveway, and I open the door, to get Heidi Jo from the back seat.
“You brought the picture you made for Carly Jo, right?”
Givin’ me a puzzled look, she looks around me to see that we ain’t home, but we’re at Carly Jo’s house. She grabs the picture then jumps into my arms. I set her down on the ground, straightenin’ her tutu for her.
“Now listen, you go on up there, ring the doorbell and give her this picture. But we can’t stay, ‘kay?” She just smiles and nods, as she turns on her heels, and races toward the front porch. I lean against the door of the truck, and wait for her.
She rings the door bell, then glances back at me with a light smile, as she shifts her weight from side to side. As the door opens, Heidi Jo jumps into Carly Jo’s arms and shrills, “Carly Jo, I missed you!”
Carly Jo braces herself from Heidi Jo’s weight and laughs. She sets Heidi Jo down, and Heidi Jo gives her the picture she drew for her. They talk for a minute, then Heidi Jo hugs Carly Jo tight around her waist, before she comes bouncin’ down the sidewalk, back to the truck.
I fasten her into her seat belt tight. Just as I climb behind the wheel of my truck, I hear Carly Jo callin’ my name. I look up to see her on the front porch. She waves and smiles before she says, “Thank you!” With a wink, I return the smile and back out of her driveway. A tiny little piece of my shattered heart fell into place with just glance at her smile.
