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“One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-,”
Epilogue
I watch as they wheel Carly Jo away, my feet cemented to the floor unable to move. There goes my life. The nurse ushers me through a hallway into a cold, sterile room with royal tile walls. She hands me a set of scrubs and once I change, she shows me how to scrub in and I copycat her actions. Leavin’ the sterile room, the nurse asks me to wait in the hallway while she checks to see if they’re ready for me to join Carly Jo in the operating room. I wait, and I wait, my patience quickly wearin’ thin.
A nurse steps out of the room and introduces himself upon approachin’ me. He asks me to follow him and I do. We pass back through the same double doors we entered when we got to this floor, which confuses the hell outta me. Why the hell are we goin’ away from the operatin’ room? Carly Jo needs me. Walkin’ into a small room he asks me to sit, but I refuse. A sense of forebodin’ clutches me and I know whatever this asshole needs to say ain’t gonna be too good. He explains that they couldn’t properly place the epidural, so they gave Carly Jo a general anesthetic for the c-section to be performed. I listen intently to every word that crosses his lips, noddin’ my head in agreement. It’s takin’ every damn ounce of will I’ve got to not fall apart in front of him. He tells me that someone will let me know how Carly Jo and the baby are doing shortly and to try to be patient until then. Kindly offerin’ me a blessin’, he vanishes through the sterile hall.
My wife is in surgery, bringin’ our daughter into the world and here I am, thousands of feet away from her when she needs my strength the most. I won’t get to experience the first breath my little girl inhales or hear her first cry. And ya know what, there ain’t a damn thing I can ‘bout it.
Completely helpless.
Anger floods through me as I flex my hands into fists at my sides and my chest shakes with a rattlin' growl. My knees give in and I drop to the floor poundin’ my fists against the cold tile floors, releasin’ the fury and anguish that floods through me. My broken sobs echo against the walls. I need a savin’ grace, just a sliver of hope that my girls will be okay. Once again I succumb to my weakness, whisperin’ a prayer to the good Lord to wrap a blanket of protection around my beautiful wife and my precious baby girl. A humblin’ moment, speakin’ to the Lord. I can’t help but feel regret for seekin’ him in times like this when I’m far from a Godly man.
A hand clutches my shoulder and I jump in reaction, shock surely set in my face. Wipin’ my face with the back of my hand, Luke don’t even ask, he simply pulls me into a hug. Usually, I’d smack him upside the back of his damn head, but stupid bastard has a way of seein’ when someone needs him most. Right now I need all of the strength I can get. I pat his back and tear away from his hold, takin’ a seat to ease my tremblin’ knees. Scrubbin’ my hand roughly over my face, I rest my head against the wall, starin’ blankly up at the ceilin’. Luke sits down, bracin’ his elbows on his knees and sighs. Together, we sit in silence and wait for what feels like an eternity.
Ya always think the worst possible scenarios in times like this. Thinkin’ back to the night I became a Daddy, countin’ Heidi Jo’s ten tiny fingers and toes was the happiest moment in my life. It was bittersweet, welcomin’ my little princess into the world and sayin’ goodbye to the woman who gave me one of the greatest gifts I’d ever receive. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without Heidi Jo and even though our little monkey hasn’t even entered this world yet, I know my soul would die if anything were to happen to her or her momma. Bouncin’ up to my feet, I begin to pace the floor impatiently. Luke checks his watch repeatedly, his jaw tickin’ in frustration. He’s as worried about Carly Jo and the baby as I am. I texted him when we first arrived at the hospital lettin’ him know she was in labor and I’d keep him updated.
“How’d you know?” I ask him, referrin’ to Carly Jo bein’ takin’ into surgery.
“Just had a bad feelin’, man.” He replies shakin’ his head. I don’t understand Luke’s gift, but he always knows when he’s needed. Tonight, it wasn’t Carly Jo that needed him, but me. “She’s gonna be alright, Weston.”
“Ain’t never prayed so much in my damn life, Luke.” Tears burn the back of my eyes and a blaze of heat blankets my face. I feel like a damn fish outta water, suffocatin’ for air. I need Carly Jo to breathe; and I promise you I ain’t breathed not one damn breath since they took her away.
“Mr. Weston?” A small voice calls from the doorway.
Turnin’ around quickly, I glare at the small woman through wide eyes. “Yes ma’am?” My throat tightens.
“Honey, you’re wife made it through the c-section wonderfully. She’s in recovery now and will be moved up to a room within the hour.”
“They’re okay?”
“Yes, honey. Would you like to meet your daughter?”
I collapse into
the chair, rakin’ my hands through my hair. Relief washes over me and I silently whisper a prayer of gratitude to the good Lord. “Please.” My voice cracks as I choke on a broken sob. She smiles brightly, waving me towards her. I follow the nurse to the elevator and up four floors to the Maternity ward where she shows me to a patient room. She asks me to scrub my hands up to my elbows before turnin’ on her heels to go after my daughter. When the door creaks open I stand to my feet and meet the nurse in the center of the room.
My heart stills.
I lift her out of the bassinette, restin’ her against my chest as I carry her to the rockin’ chair. Cradlin’ her in my hands, I pull the blanket back to count her ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. Coal black hair curlin’ around her little ears just like Heidi Jo’s hair curled. I trail my finger down her rosy cheek and a small sigh falls from her thick lips. She looks just like her momma. She is perfection. That breath I’d been holdin’ all this time finally worked its way up out of my chest and I breathe for the first time tonight. I never thought I’d love anyone as much as I love Heidi Jo, but I can promise you I love this little girl just as much. My heart is consumed with so much happiness, so much pride it could split in two right this damn second and I’m sure it’d still be left beatin’.
“Is she your first child?”
“No ma’am, but she’s just as beautiful as her big sister.”
“Congratulations, honey. You have a beautiful little family.”
“Yes ma’am, I sure do.”
“Your wife should be brought in soon, she just woke up in recovery. Good luck.” She waves as she leaves the room.
I wrap my little monkey up tight in the receivin’ blanket and cradle her to my chest, hummin’ softly. Her back rises and falls with each breath she takes as she sleeps peacefully. It’s amazin’ the amount of beauty somethin’ so small and tender can hold. The amount of love that somethin’ so small can withdrawal from another. One look is all it took for me to fall completely head over heels in love with my daughter, just as I fell in love with her momma so many years ago.
There are no words to express seeing my daughter for the first time. She is nestled on top of Colton’s chest, with his hand laid gently on her back, both of them sleeping. I want to hold her so bad, touch her sweet little face and count her fingers and toes. I want to smell her sweet scent and feel the softness of her hair against my fingertips. I want to see the happiness in Colton’s eyes as he looks down at our baby girl. I may not have got to witness her first breath or hear her first cry but this moment is one I wouldn’t trade for any moment in my life.
A small whimper falls from her lips and her face puckers, turning bright red. Colton pats her back softly and shushes her. With his eyes still closed he whispers, “shhh, Daddy’s got ya little monkey.” Her face softens and she stretches her tiny arm up, laying it against Colton’s cheek.
I melt.
