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But then I don’t even know what I’m hoping for.
To see Luke?
Then what?
To understand this uncontrollable need to be near him?
Yep, keep goin’, sweets.
To finally be honest with myself that there’s some strange gravitational pull to him, and I’m only fighting a losing battle by lying to myself, prolonging the inevitable.
Gettin’ warmer, Sav!
Sav. Luke calls me Sav. I miss him.
Fear rolls over me as I’m struck hard with realization. Gotta face the music sooner or later!
Pulling my phone from my purse, I scroll through my text messages before hovering my finger over my last message sent to Luke. Glancing over the eight short messages, I decide to send one final text. If he doesn’t reply to this then lying to myself will have been a good thing. Unsure of what I want to relay in the message, I figure simple honesty is the best route. I type a simple – I miss you, then press send.
I order breakfast, keeping a watchful eye on my phone for the blinking light to notify me of an incoming text. Each time the bell chimes on the diner door my head whips up searching for Luke, but each time I’m let down. Sav, you just gotta have faith – my conscience urges me, but I have no idea why I’m putting my faith in Luke.
Over the last couple of months Luke has just been there. Morning, noon and night, any time I needed comfort, and even times when I felt okay, he was always there. I welcomed Luke’s company because nobody else recognized the storm I was facing. A man has never cared about me so purely; it was a foreign feeling that I relished in.
I knew better.
I knew eventually I would start to depend on him, expecting more from him than he can give. Sadly, I don’t even understand what it is that I expect, but there’s something that I need and I feel like I may suffocate if I don’t get it soon.
By now, my eggs are cold and have grown less appetizing over time as I’ve sat here staring down into the plate mulling over my thoughts. Shooting Carly a text, I pay my check and head towards her house for some sisterly advice. I know, this is probably the worst place to get it, but who else do I have at the moment? Yep, not a damn soul.
Knocking on the front door softly, Carly yells through the house inviting me inside. So much for trying not to wake the baby. Then again, I’m sure in this house sleep is an elusive event for little Ryleigh. They all got some big mouths. I twist the door knob then enter, kicking my shoes off as I pad into the living room.
“Mornin’, Sis.” She says around a long yawn rubbing her eyes sleepily. She’s curled up in Colton’s recliner sweet little Ryleigh nestled in her lap, sleeping peacefully. She tilts her head to the side and glares at me curiously. Snickering she says, “You look like hell.”
I flop down in the corner of the couch, pulling my legs up to my chest, hugging my knees securely. Looking her up and down, I consider remarking on the sloppy pony and wrinkled up pajamas she’s sportin’ but hell, she wears motherhood well. “Feel like it too.” I groan, not so much as for show either because I’m genuinely exhausted.
“So what’s up, why ya lookin’ like you were just dragged outta the Dixie dumpster for?” Her shoulders shake as a smartass giggle falls off her lips. Yep, that’s my little sis. She’s fluent in Redneck, Bitch AND Sarcasm, y’all…ain’t I lucky.
“Just not sleeping well, got a lot on my mind these days.”
“Ah yeah? Tell me ‘bout it, Sis.” Carly says, mindlessly swaying Ryleigh back and forth.
“Oh you know, your everyday run of the mill case of psycho husband.” I shrug like this is random chit chat. Hell, anymore it really is. She chews on that thought for a moment then smiles wide just before she speaks, like her next statement is one of utter brilliance.
“My advice?” She passes me a sideways glance. Nodding my head she says, “Let it go.”
“Let it go?” I deadpan, my eyebrows scrunching up in confusion.
“Yep, just let it go.” Her smiles never waivers.
“Have you been watching Frozen again?” That’s the only explanation for her stupid comment. I swear these kids have embed that damn movie into our heads for nearly a year.
“Hey, sometimes you just gotta take the advice of a quirky little snowman.” Noticing that I find absolutely no humor in her advice, she rolls her eyes and huffs. “Listen, okay? Josh is old news, Savannah. You know he’s off his rocker. I told you, let Michele handle the divorce and do your best to put it all behind you.”
Oh as if it’s all that simple. Just because he’s behind bars miles away, I should erase him from thought, pretending that chapter of my life never happened? Holy hell, wouldn’t that be marvelous? Guess what? It don’t happen that easily. My eyes narrow and I bite my words out harshly. “You know, I could probably let it go if Josh was someone I could just forget. But he’s not, Carly. He’s my husband, the father of my children. He’s the man that I spent the last ten years of my life trying to make happy, trying to love. He’s the man who evoked so much fear and hatred in me. The memories, Carly, of what he did to me are not forgettable. I wish like hell they were!”
“That’s good, Savannah! You’re finally getting angry. You’re finally showing more emotion than wallowing in self-pity!” Oh damn, did she just go there? Yep, I think she did.
“Carly, I didn’t come here to be badgered. You can’t possibly understand how I feel. Colton loves you and would never do you harm. You don’t have to live in fear of the unknown.” I spit as the anger continues to bubble up from the pit of my belly.
