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“No, baby. It sounds like you’ve fallen for a woman you saw was hurtin’ and now you’re runnin’ scared, high on fear. Don’t do that, Luke. Be her hero.”
I know she’s right, but her advice is hard to swallow. Although I physically ain’t done much of nothin’ this last week, mentally all gears have been churnin’ at Mach speed. I guess I had it all figured out already, but sometimes you need someone else to put everything into perspective.
I miss Savannah and I’ve been worried sick ‘bout her all week. I’m sure she’s pissed as hell at me for not tellin’ her where I was goin’. If I’d told her, then I’d have had to tell her about my family and I’m not ready for that. I want Savannah to cont
inue to look at me genuinely as she always has. Once she knows about my past, she’ll no longer see me as the same man that she sees now: the hero who saved her life, her protector. She’ll see me as the negligent failure who couldn’t protect his own wife and child.
Climbing out of the truck I slowly walk down the small cobblestone path. Rows and rows of perfectly lined headstones decorated with ornate ceramics, elaborate floral arrangements and balloons line the neatly manicured lawn. My steps slow as I approach the west corner of the cemetery. When the names etched on the marble slab comes into clear view my feet refuse to move any further. A small ragged teddy bear and a vase of wilted roses rest against the grave.
My chest shakes erratically as I choke back a sob. Inhaling that ragged breath the thick scent of pungent char fills my nostrils and I fall to my knees restin’ my head against the cool marble. Each breath I draw is suffocating with the acrid smell. The cemetery is somber, yet peaceful, but I'm surrounded by the ill-fated sounds of Alyson and Sawyer's tormenting cries.
Two years ago today my soul died. Finally, here I kneel facin’ the demons that have haunted me endlessly and I’m shattered with the flood of emotions that resonate within me. I didn’t expect this to be easy, but I didn’t expect the onslaught of raw anguish that I’m feelin’ either.
Once the tears relent I wipe my face with the arm of my sleeve, then brace my hands on my thighs as I release an exasperated huff. Diggin’ deep in my gut, I search for the words I need to voice as if Alyson and Sawyer can hear me clearly.
“I’m lonely without y’all. Sawyer, Daddy misses your bubbly laugh and sweet smile. I miss your feet in my ribs when I sleep and bein’ woken up by you pouncin’ on the bed anxious to watch Saturday mornin’ cartoons. I miss zoomin’ you through the house, with your arms stretched out and your little Superman cape flappin’ behind ya. I’m so sorry Daddy couldn’t be your hero, little man. I know how much you looked up to me, and I failed you in the worst possible way.” Stiflin’ back the tears that fall on their own accord, I swipe away at my face and continue. “Alyson, honey I am so sorry I didn’t listen to ya. You know I tried to take care of you and Sawyer, protectin’ y’all the best I could, but I fell short. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for not replacin’ that damn outlet.” I pinch the bridge of my nose willing back the tears. “You two gave me the most beautiful moments of my life. You showed me what love was. I miss you and Sawyer terribly, but I know you’re at peace. I love you guys. I love you both so damn much.”
My tormented cries fall relentlessly and I press my forehead to the cool stone as if it put me closer to Alyson and Sawyer’s souls. I feel wretched as the weight of agony and despair encases me tightly. Finally catchin’ my breath, I dust off the engraved plaque on their headstone, replace the wilted roses with an arrangement of sunflowers and press a gentle kiss to the cold stone. Standin’ to my feet, I brush the dirt from my jeans when a familiar voice startles me. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on such a private moment, but seeing you here after all this time shocked me.”
“Hey Ashleigh, I didn’t expect to see you here.” Stupid remark, but I’m at a loss for words, drained of all thought.
“It’s been two years since they were taken from us.” She whispers, stepping towards the grave. “I visit with Alyson often. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes when life has gotten me down, just telling her my troubles makes me feel closer to her.”
I’m confused why she’s tellin’ me any of this. Maybe she’s caught up in the moment, I don’t know. She always hated me. Tried her best to talk Alyson outta marryin’ me because she didn’t think I was good enough for her little sister.
She continues to ramble on incessantly and I politely nod and hum. I know losin’ Alyson was hard on her. She lost her only sibling and I’m sure she lays the blame at my feet. Suddenly uncomfortable with her presence and the swirl of tension that radiates about the air, I try to make a smooth getaway. “Well, I’ll let you visit privately. It was good seein’ ya, Ashleigh.”
Takin’ long strides towards the truck, I halt when she speaks again, “Luke, call me before you go wherever it is you’re headed.”
Noddin’ my head in approval I continue my descent to the truck.
Chapter Ten
Pulling the contents of my pocket loose, I drop everything inside my purse before placing it in the bin. The guard drags the bin inside the x-ray machine before waving me forward through the metal detector. Collecting my belongings, I follow the other guard’s lead down the long, narrow hallway into the visitation room. The guard shows me to a small partition, telling me that Josh will be brought in momentarily.
I have no idea how I prepared myself to take this giant leap, but I did it. After having that frantic moment with Carly on Monday, she insisted that we stay with her that night. I was so tired there was no way I could pass up the opportunity to catch up on my rest. That was all short lived, because last night I was at home pacing the floors restlessly, trying to work up the courage to go to sleep so I’d be well rested today. But, as I sit here in the stale visitation room waiting for Josh to surface on the other side of the glass, the cloud of exhaustion that has been hovering over me for weeks has completely vaporized, drawing every ounce of fresh air away with it. I’m literally strugglin’ here folks, gasping for air to replenish my dry lungs.
Aged metal creaks and squeals as the heavy door pulls back, followed by a loud slam that startles me in my chair. Pinching my eyes shut, I say a silent prayer for strength to get through this. My eyes drift open slowly and I cautiously trail my gaze up towards Josh. He looks worn and haggard, an appearance I’ve never known him to wear. I’m sure exchanging a lavish lap of luxury for a degraded prison life must bring ones spirits down.
His expression is evil and heinous, one that I’m so familiar with, yet it still sends tremors down my spine. Nodding his head towards the phone on the wall, I reach up slowly and draw the receiver to my ear. “Hey, gorgeous. I knew you’d be ‘round soon enough.” A wolfish grin creeps across his face, and I have to bite back the taste of bile that crawls up my throat. “Where are the kids?” He asks, trying to peek through the glass around my frame, as if the kids are hiding behind me. He’s obviously delusional as well as crazy to think his kids would be scared of him, despite the wicked man he surely is.
“They’re at school, Josh.” I mutter, casting my eyes downward. He doesn’t deserve to see the fear in my eyes. I know it’s there without even looking into a mirror to see it.
“What the fuck, Savannah Marie? I haven’t seen my kids in months, y’all are all that’s keepin’ me goin’ in this shit hole. I need to see my kids!” His jaw ticks angrily.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Josh. They’re confused by all the changes over the last few months and don’t need to be subjected to this environment.”
“That’s fuckin’ bullshit! I thought you were goin’ crazy when I got the divorce petition, but now I know your fuckin’ nuts. Go see a fuckin’ shrink, whatever the hell you gotta to do to get your head screwed on straight. Once you’re thinkin’ clearly and have returned to the sweet and submissive Savannah that I married, gather my kids and come back!” He seethes, the vein above his brow pulsing and bulging from the pressure of his anger.
“Josh, there is no coming back. I’m only here today to prove to you that the control you’ve had over me for the last ten years has slipped. I’m not that sweet and submissive woman that you love to take advantage of anymore.”
Keeping my eyes focused on the chipped Formica countertop I pray to God that Josh is buying my pack of lies. Nothing has changed…I’m still the meek little lamb that he sought territory over. But like a sheep in wolves’ clothing I’m doing my very best at keeping my mask in place, portraying a woman of courage and strength.
A roil of laughter echoes through the speaker. “Savannah, heed my warning: I may not be available at the moment to prepare your departure, but don’t think for one fuckin’ second that I can’t make it happen from inside these very fuckin’ walls.”
“Then do it! My God, please, by all means, DO IT! I am begging you!” I yell through the receiver and my eyes meet his. Expecting to meet eyes full of hatred and disgust, I’m shocked when I see a flint of fear dancing in Josh’s eyes. As sadistic as it sounds, I bask in his fear knowing that regardless of the hard exterior Josh presents to the world, deep down inside he must be crumbling.
“You fuckin’ bitch! Always been so ungrateful for everything I’ve done for you. You better keep your fuckin’ tongue in-check when speaking to me, Savannah Marie!”
