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13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
I find comfort in the scripture. With all that Luke has been through, it’s the perfect reminder to look to God when you feel weak, keep your faith in Him and you’ll find your strength, which is exactly what Luke has done over the last two years – he’s clutched onto his faith.
Suddenly I remember a conversation I had with Luke about when he lost his family and it’s like the pieces of the puzzle just fall into place.
“Fact of the matter is, the good Lord called them home, together. It was just all a freak accident, really. I understand that you blame yourself, but consider this-God didn’t take you for a reason. Why? I don’t know, but He has a plan for you, Luke, that will eventually come together and when it does, although you’ve suffered a great loss, it will all make sense.”
I’ve just recovered from a life shattering wreckage finding the other half of my heart through the storm. Luke saved me from Josh then held me at bay, keeping me afloat through the vehement waves. I grip Luke’s hand a little tighter and pierce my teeth through my lips, fighting back my loud sobs as the striking realization hits me that Luke lost his family, so he could find me.
“You were meant to save me, Luke. Please come back to me.”
Luke still hasn’t woke up, but I’m clutching to faith and praying that God will let me keep him. The nurses make regular rounds checking his vitals which seem to be stabilizing. I’ve not slept a wink. My mind just won’t shut off but exhaustion is quickly setting in. My heart thuds, echoing loudly in my ears, the only harsh reminder I have that this wretched body is still clinging to life-struggling to find the beauty in it all.
“Luke, you have to come back to me. You fought too hard to save me, to protect me. You can’t leave me now. I don’t think I can let you go. Please, just open your eyes.” I whisper, feeling defeated and lost. I won’t give up on him like this. I ease onto the bed, hovering over him and cup my hands around his face. “Luke, please.” I can’t stop the tears from flowing. So much I want to say to him, the words begging for release. I lean in and brush my lips over his delicately, my heart swelling with emotion leading me in this moment. “I love you, Luke.” I didn’t want to tell him like this. I lay my forehead against his, silently praying that he can sense me, feel my touch – that my love-anything will bring him back. Just being close to him right now, is comforting. I trail my fingers through his beard, and choke back a sob as I sit back down beside him. I just wanna curl into his arms, feel his embrace around me one more time. I curl my arm around his, and rest my head on the bend of his elbow as I watch his chest rise and fall slowly-the movement causing my heavy eyes to drift no matter how hard I fight it.
“Not givin’ up on you Luke. Open your eyes, please, baby.” I whisper as my body gives way to the exhaustion and I melt into Luke.
Pain. Agonizing pain inside and out. My mind is muddled and cloudy. Memories rushing through my mind, taunting me, lashing at me in despair.
Momma cryin’ holding her split lip and Daddy yelling and screaming as he smashes a beer bottle against the wall. Momma’s face is distorted and I stifle back my cries from the far corner in the living room, hopin’ my old man don’t see me.
A strong foot smashin’ against my stomach as two hands shove me between the seat of the bus, then a balled up fist crashin’ against my cheek. Hurtful words bein’ spit in my face, bein’ poked fun at, constant verbal attacks.
Flames stretchin’ into the night sky and tormented screams invading my ears. Bright embers dancin’ in the wind as wood snaps and crackles, windows bursting through the blaze. Anguish, devastation, pain. I feel raw – lifeless and empty.
Beauty. Awe-inspiring beauty, hidin’ behind a mask, embarrassed and terrified to live. Bruises, cuts, scrapes and a shattered soul. She’s weak and fragile but I’m drawn to her, intent on protectin’ her, shieldin’ her from the pain.
Fire.
Fear.
Suffocation.
Darkness.
“Sawyer?” My little boy smiles back at me. He looks exactly the same as I remember. “Hey little man, come give Daddy a hug.” I say squattin’ down on one knee, stretchin’ my arms out wide. He rushes into my arms, his small little arms wrappin’ around my neck. I lift him up in my arms and kiss his chubby face.
“Daddy, you dirty.” I look down at my hands and notice the black soot. “Make me fly, Daddy!” Sawyer shouts bouncin’ in my arms with excitement and I flip him over, his tummy in one hand, his ankles in the other. He stretches out his hands and lets out a happy laugh, fillin’ my heart. I pull him back up to my chest, cradlin’ him close. Never wanna let him go. “I was scared, Daddy. I couldn’t find you or my cape. I couldn’t fly anymore.”
“Daddy’s here now, Sawyer.” I squeeze him tighter, revelin’ in this blessin’ of holding my little man one more time.
His chubby little hand grips my jaw and he smiles up at me, his soft grey eyes full of love. “Gotta go now, Daddy. You go be a hero.” He jumps down and begins to run away his little legs makin’ small strides in the distance.
“Sawyer! Stop! Where you goin’?” I shout after him, his form fadin’ before me.
He turns around and looks at me, stretches his arm out and says, “I’m okay, Daddy. Go be a hero. Love you, always.” He smiles, wrinkling his nose. My heart drops into my chest and I call out to him, but he runs away. My eyes mist over and I’m so confused. I turn on my heel, trying to place my surroundings but I feel lost.
“Luke, please open your eyes.” Savannah? I can hear her crying, her sobs broken and breathless. I turn to look for her, but she’s nowhere to be found. Wetness drips onto my arm and I try to swipe it away, but suddenly all movement feels weighted. My chest hurts, my entire damn body sore and throbbin’ with tension. I feel hot all over, and it hurts to breathe.
Savannah’s cries rip at my heart, and I want to hold her, tell her everything is gonna be okay, but right now I don’t know what the hell is happenin’. My breathin’ labors and I fade into the darkness, the room suddenly dry of air. I cough, gasping for oxygen, but my lungs feel hard and suppressed. I can still hear Savannah’s whisperin’ pleas but suddenly my wind draws tight…
I draw in a ragged breath as my eyes pop open and I stare up at the ceiling tryin’ to focus my hazy vision. It takes a few minutes to fully wake up, but as I scan my eyes around the room I’m unfamiliar in my surroundings. The room is dark and I look out the window to see the star filled sky. My entire body feels rigid and tight and I just can’t breathe deep enough. Reaching up, I feel the oxygen mask on my face and I try to inhale the fresh air, but it’s like my lungs won’t accept it. I feel panicked. I try to raise up, urgent to breathe and every muscle in my body screeches in protest.
That’s when I feel her. Her fingers lace through mine and she places her other hand on my chest as she hovers over me, her swollen eyes searching mine. “L-luke?” She whispers as her eyes well up with tears. I part my mouth to speak, but my mouth is dry like cotton. “Lay still, let me get the doctor.” She jumps from the bed and races from the room. Suddenly, I realize why I’m here-in this hospital bed, covered in black soot, gasping for oxygen. The memory of Savannah’s house blazing high with fiery flames comes to mind, followed by a c
rushing weight, heat and suffocation. She’s safe.
The nurse comes in first offerin’ me ice water to drink and it eases my dry throat almost immediately. She does the usual assessment-blood pressure, oxygen saturation, pulse, then moves outta the way taking notes as the doctor checks me over, listenin’ to my chest and so on.
