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When I came downstairs, he was relaxed on the couch with one foot propped up on the coffee table flickin’ through the channels on the TV mindlessly. I nestled myself into the corner of the couch, instinctively wrapping my arms around my knees – my way of hiding the tense tremors that roll through my chest. He stretched his arm across the center cushion of the couch, pulling me closer towards him, then slipped his hand in mine. A small sigh slipped from the edge of his lips and he stared off into oblivion as he spoke.
“Don’t let the darkness swallow you, sweetheart. Even when you feel like you’re drownin’, keep swimmin’ towards the light. It’s gonna take time for you to feel safe again, but no matter what time of day or night it is, when you start to feel like that, call me.” His voice strong and unwavering, yet I could sense his anguish by his lost gaze.
I could have played it off as if I didn’t know what Luke was talking about, but he can see through me as if I were made of glass, so what was the point? “And what exactly would you call that, Luke?” I asked him honestly. He made it seem as if he could clearly diagnose my little fit accurately.
“You’re havin’ panic attacks, sweetheart.”
“And you can diagnose that because?” I mocked him lightly, with a shit eating grin on my face. I’m the nurse, remember Mister Badass Biker? Again with the terrible attempt of hiding the fear, humiliation and heartache. Try as I might – Luke sees it all.
“I have ‘em sometimes.” My eyes widened with shock at his admission. Luke snickers seeing my expression. “Yeah, as tough as I may be, I’m not above admitting whatever slight faults I may have. I’m human. We’ve all been through traumatizing events that make us feel like we’ll never recover. You just have to decide if you’re bigger than the problem.” He squeezed my hand tight, his lip tugging up into a half crooked smile. “And the answer to that is yeah, you’re bigger than anything that comes your way. You just have to find your strength, sweetheart.”
I never asked Luke about his panic attacks or about the loss he suffered so greatly that could seize the strength from a man of his size. It felt too personal. But I guess the size of a person never matters when the weight of the world seems to be crushing you into the size of a piss ant. Your problems always seem bigger than you are.
Luke’s advice has been on auto loop for the last few days. I’ve been digging deep within myself, trying to find that inner strength he mentioned. Each time I’m faced with the slightest tremor quaking through my chest I try to focus on all the good that I have to look forward to in life. But the more time I have to think, the deeper I analyze the issues. I realize that my panic attacks – as Luke diagnosed me – stem from my direct fear of Josh. He’s been incarcerated for sixty-five days and I’m still not free of his clutches. My attorney, Michele Runyon told me from the beginning that our divorce would be anything but simple considering the charges Josh was facing. She’d have to prove my innocence behind each of his schemes and that has proven to be no easy task. I knew Josh would fight me every step of the way. Even from a prison cell two hours away, I find myself stricken in fear with the simplest reminder of him.
Right now as I sit here listening to Michele, the flesh of my knuckles strain against the arm of the sleek cherry wood chair as another panic attack creeps into my chest with an intense ferocity. I literally feel as if I’m suffocating. I want to claw at my throat scratching a release for air, but I do my best to stay reserved and calm. Attentive to her words.
“Josh has refused to sign the Petition of Dissolution of Marriage.”
I.CAN’T.BREATHE.
“He’s requested that you visit him before he signs anything. I know that’s not something you are comfortable with, but it may be the only option you have at finalizing the divorce and putting an end to the hell he’s put you through, without it being dragged on and on for years to come.
Noticing my immediate panic, Michele goes into further detail explaining the situation so I can better understand what’s happening. “James McCoy is no idiot. A jackass, sure, but he’s not stupid, Savannah. He’s milking Josh for every dime he’s worth, only trying to prolong every legal battle he can to make a quick dime. Basically, if Josh contests the divorce and James fights hard enough in his corner, this could be drawn out for a few years.”
Fear seizes in my chest as my heart sinks low into the pit of my stomach, and I honestly can’t tell you if I’m breathing or not. My soft skin tightens over my face and it feels as if it begins to shrivel from the lack of air. I clutch my hand tighter around the arm of the chair, digging my nails into the wood as I fight for oxygen I can’t seem to draw in. He wants me to come see him? He wants me to come see him! What the hell? He has to be insane to think I’d want to be in the same room as him – the monster that he is. Nothing good can come of me seeing his evil eyes again.
It’s as if Michele can read the terrified expression on my face. Rounding the desk, she pries my fingers from the arm of the chair and gives my hand a comforting squeeze. “D-do you understand how t-terrified of him I am? He b-beat me within an inch of my life, he nearly k-killed my pregnant sister and her unborn child. I-I don’t know that I can f-face him, Michele.”
“I understand, Savannah.” She says softly. “But will you listen to the voice of reason? I know this will be hard, but the only chance you have at putting this all behind you is to give him what he wants…to a degree.”
“Y-you can’t be serious?” I laugh out loud through the tears and the unfamiliar sound that rings in my ears disturbs me. I’ve faired these last few months barely clinging to the crumbling cliff I’ve been dangling from. Seeing Josh, the malice and hatred that’s deep-set in his eyes will only cause me to slip, plunging into a wreck-less state that I’m not sure I’ll have the strength to pull myself from.
“I’m just offering you options to rush the proceedings along. If he signs the petition, it’s as simple as filing it with the court and waiting for the judge to sign off on it. By Kentucky state law, a no fault divorce can be finalized once both parties have agreed to the terms of the Petition and have been separated for sixty days.” She tips her glasses down her nose, looking at me pointedly. “Josh has been incarcerated for sixty-five days, Savannah. Do you see the light at the end of the tunnel?”
Light at the end of the tunnel? I don’t even see a flicker. My world has been consumed with a terrifying darkness for as long as I can remember and although I’m clinging to a small grain of hope, craving my freedom, the darkness somehow continues to blanket me tighter. Right now, I’m suffocating.
“I’m confused. How is it that he abused me for so many years, nearly stripped my children of their mother by leaving me for dead and yet here he sits behind bars facing twenty-five years to life and he’s still controlling me? How the hell is that possible, Michele?” My voice grows angrier as I speak and I’m a bit shocked by my tone.
“Savannah, this is his attempt at stalling. He thinks that by seeing him, that terror only he can fill you with will present itself and you’ll change your mind about divorcing him. He’s hoping to have the loving wife and family by his side when he goes into trial, as it will make his case look better having family support. We can play our cards with a court case, but as I mentioned before it could be years before you
’d be free from his clutches legally.”
I sit in shocked disbelief for a few moments urging my brain to attempt to process this information. Who the hell knew it would be this hard to separate my life from the man who nearly took it!
“So what can we do to persuade him sign the petition?” This is gonna be an uphill battle, I should have known to expect nothing less from Josh.
Michele pulls her glasses off her face, then pinches the bridge of her nose. “Savannah, I know how you feel about this and I will never give you advice that I feel will hinder your case. Maybe if you can find the strength to face him and tell him exactly how you feel, he’ll understand that your life together is nothing but a distant memory. Josh needs to hear it from you why you’re seeking a divorce. I know it seem cut and dry, but to him it’s anything but. It can give you the closure you need to move on with your life, burying the past and all the hell he put you through.”
I run my fingers through my hair frantically, smoothing the stray locks behind my ear. I feel trapped, as if I have no choice but to face him one last time, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough.
“Just let me think about it all, please.” I whisper before standing up, swiping the mess of tears from my face.
Michele nods in understanding, “Of course, Savannah. It’s just a suggestion, we can proceed however you prefer.”
Chapter Five
Pulling into the driveway of Carly’s house, I pull my compact from my purse and do my best at concealing the red blotchy stains on my cheeks. Carly picked the kids up from school today since my meeting with Michele was late afternoon. Dragging in a steady breath, I make my way inside. The wisping sound of the blowing wind changes to the squealing tone of three excitedly loud kids and one sleepy baby. Shoes, backpacks and lunchboxes litter the entry way and a trail of toys lead from the living room into the hallway. Clear evidence that the twins and Heidi Jo have effectively done their part of destroying the house in a record time of forty five minutes.
