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She’s the pulse.
Maybe I was jealous that night I found Noah on top of her and Kaleb looking at her like a starved animal. Or maybe I was afraid of what this would do to her. We all wanted her before the snow, and now she’s a constant reminder that she is all we have to look at the whole winter. I worry that the line I walk on, whether or not we really need to go without something pretty all winter, is starting to blur. If it’s hard now, how hard will it be to resist her as the cold, dark, and lonely months wear on?
But really, I think what it ultimately comes down to is that I want her.
And I shouldn’t.
A shot pierces the air, and I blink, coming back to reality. She silently sobs as her head falls and her eyes close, and I grab my binoculars, searching the terrain for the deer.
“She got it!” Noah shouts.
Her breathing shakes as she quietly cries, and I know she’s done for the day. She won’t want to see it.
“Go get it,” I tell them. “Take it home. We’ll follow.”
The boys walk past, the snow crunching under their boots, and my body burns with the cold seeping through to my skin.
“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” she says, head bowed and staring at the ground.
“You didn’t.”
She jerks her head toward me, her fierce eyes piercing me. “I did it, because I didn’t want to disappoint you,” she explains. “Why do I care about pleasing you? I don’t want to please you.”
She looks away again, pulling off her hat and looking disgusted with herself.
Loose strands of her hair fall in her eyes, and I want to push them away.
My voice sounds strangled as I whisper. “Everything you do pleases me.”
I could blame her all I want. Her beauty, her scent, her laughter and fight, her eyes when she smiles and how she makes us a little happier, the way even a garbage bag would look good on her as she walks around my house, but honestly, it’s just what I said. Every day I’m losing the will to resist and hating myself for it.
And hating her more for being something I can’t have.
“It’ll be easier next time,” I tell her.
“There won’t be a next time.”
“Not unless you want to eat.”
She launches up and swings her fist, slamming me in the j
aw as she growls. Pain shoots through my face, and the next thing I know, she’s pounding on me as she cries.
I turn my face away, trying to protect myself as I grab her wrists. Taking them both in my fists, I flip her over and come down on top of her, still feeling her body through the layers of clothes we wear.
She wiggles her hands free, struggling underneath me, and blood starts rushing to my groin as she squirms and moves.
“I hate you,” she gasps, hitting me. “I hate you. You’re a fucking joke.”
I snarl, trying to catch her flailing fists. You little bitch.
“My parents sent me to you because they hated me.” She tries to push me off her. “They wanted me to suffer, and you were the worst they could do to me.”
“Maybe…” I bite out, cutting her off. “Maybe they felt bad about what they took from me, so they gave me you.” I grip the back of her scalp and pull her up to my mouth. “A payment on their debt. That’s what you are, Tiernan. A fucking payment.”
Her body shakes as she looks up into my eyes, that same desperate passion I saw in the kitchen that night I first kissed her.
She whispers against my mouth, tears still thick in her voice, “A payment you’ll never collect, because you’re too old and bitter to spend it right.”
