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I hold a hand up, stopping Trevor. “I lied. This is about the fire. Watching you tonight made me remember all of the reasons I stayed away from you, and this is it.” I wave toward the scene surrounding us. “I thought I could do this, but now I’m not so sure. I need to know that if I jump, you’re going be there to catch me. And I don’t just mean in that moment; I mean for the rest of our lives. I need to know you’re not going to leave me the way my father did.”
Trevor takes a step back and stares at me. “So, what? You’re breaking up with me? Is that what this is? You want me to walk away and forget everything that’s happened between us because you’re scared? I can’t do that, Claire.”
“I don’t know what I want. That’s the problem. All I could think about while you were fighting that fire is how much it would destroy me if something happened to you. I didn’t know what you were doing—if you were inside the fire or fighting it from the outside—and that scared me. I thought about my dad and the pain I went through after his death—the pain my mother went through—and I can’t do that again.” My voice cracks, along with my heart, and I look down.
“Claire…” Trevor grabs my face and forces me to look at him. “I can’t guarantee that I won’t get hurt, or that my job won’t someday claim my life. But I can promise you I will always use my head. I will follow protocols and approach situations with a clear mind, and I will always do everything in my power to come home to you at the end of the day.”
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to feel. I just have so many thoughts, and they’re all jumbled, and I can’t seem to process them.
Trevor drops his hands from my face. “But this is what I do, Claire. I run into burning buildings when other people are running out. I risk my life because it means saving someone else’s. I love you, Claire, and I would do anything for you, but you have to accept that firefighting is a part of my life—a huge part that was influenced by your father—and I won’t change that. I think you’re overwhelmed right now. Tonight was as exhausting for you as it was for me. You need to rest and eat and think about things, and tomorrow you’ll look at all of this differently… You’ll see it the way I see it.”
“And how do you see it?”
“I would rather love you and risk losing you than not have you at all, because my life doesn’t work without you in it. But if you don’t feel the same way, we’re never going to make it. That’s the kind of love I want. It’s the kind I deserve.”
I shake my he
ad. “I don’t know, Trevor.”
“I do. Life is one big gamble, Claire. You can either play with the cards you’re dealt or you can sit out and watch, and I’d rather play. I will always choose to play. I want to do more than play, I want to win. I want the jackpot, and that’s you.”
I look over Trevor’s shoulder, concentrating on a group of firemen loading into a truck because it’s easier than looking him in the eye. “You should go, Trevor.”
“Don’t do this, Claire. If you’re scared, don’t run away from me, baby, run to me.”
His words are too much. Closing my eyes, I shake my head.
“You are a lot of things, Claire. You’re beautiful, smart, and caring. You’re determined and strong and loyal, but you’re also a coward, and you better pull your head out of your ass before you ruin the best damn thing that’s ever happened to you.”
45
Claire
Stunned by his words, all I can do is stand there, and when I don’t respond, Trevor curses under his breath and walks away. Off in the distance, I see Mo jump out of Rhett’s truck. Trevor stops and says something to Rhett as Mo runs toward me. She grabs my arm, pulling me toward her vehicle, but I can’t move. I watch Trevor climb into the seat Mo just vacated, and the moment Rhett turns the corner, I feel empty.
Immediately I begin to wonder if I’ve made a huge mistake, and I suspect I don’t deserve the chance to make it right.
“Come on, Claire. Let’s go.”
I hop into Mo’s truck, brushing Milo off my lap when she jumps from the backseat into the front. “Take me home, please.”
Mo worries her lip. “I’m not sure you should go home, Claire. Come back to my place. I’ll make some hot chocolate, we can eat ice cream, and we’ll talk all of this out…or not. We can get rip-roaring drunk if you’d rather. I just don’t think you should be alone right now.”
I love Mo, and I love that she cares, but I don’t want hot chocolate, the thought of eating something makes my stomach roll, and I sure as hell don’t want to talk because she won’t understand.
I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing my dad were still here. He would know what to do—though it’s not lost on me that if he were here I probably wouldn’t be in this situation. My mind drifts back to the look on my mom’s face when Trevor got paged earlier this evening. She was watching me, waiting, hoping that I’d come to her. I’m not sure I’m ready to hear what she has to say, but I know in my heart of hearts there’s no one more likely to talk me through this than her.
I blink up at Mo. “Can you take me to Mom’s?”
“Okay.” Mo puts the truck in drive and pulls away. We get about halfway home before she gets enough courage to talk. “What happened back there?”
“I think I broke up with Trevor.” The words spill from my mouth, and I cry. I cry because he was right. I am a coward, and I don’t deserve him.
Mo doesn’t say another word. With one hand on the wheel and the other resting on my back, she makes the drive to my mother’s.
The second we pull into the driveway, Mom has her front door open.
I reach for Milo, but Mo stops me. “Go. I’ll take care of her tonight.”
