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"Fine," my father said, sounding disgruntled. "I guess you don't have time to talk to your own father. I don't want to get another of these damn notices." With that, he hung up.
I hit the button to end the call on my cell phone and laid back on my bed, opening my eyes wide to try and will my tears to recede. The conversation could have been worse. Way, way worse. I should count myself lucky to have gotten off with a quick reprimand but it didn't make me feel any better. I tried to avoid talking to my father as much as possible because it just made me feel bad about myself. Intellectually, I knew that my father was damaged and he was taking it out on me. But emotionally, I still felt like a little girl who didn't understand what was so wrong with her that her father couldn't love her.
I banished these self-pitying thoughts from my head and sat up. There was no point wallowing in it. But I definitely was in no mood to socialize. I couldn't face going down there and putting on a happy face. I thought about Simon and Samantha slow dancing and immediately decided there was no way in hell I was going back down there.
I hit number one of my speed dial and heard the ringing start.
"Hi," Sarah said in a hushed voice. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I replied brightly, hearing the false tone in my ears but praying that Sarah would buy it. "It really was nothing. I just got off the phone with him so it wasn't a long drawn out conversation. I'm just feeling really tired right now. It was a rough shift today at Colette's and I think the beer has gone to my head. I'm just going to stay up here for the rest of the night. But you have fun."
"Wait one sec," she whispered. I heard muffled voices and I could hear Sarah excuse herself. I heard a door close.
"Okay," she said in a louder voice but still quieter than normal. "Tell me the truth."
I sighed. There was no point in trying to mask my feelings from Sarah. "It wasn't too bad, Sarah. Honestly. He was critical, but nothing over the top. But I really don't feel up to socializing right now. Please just tell everyone that I'm tired and feeling a little under the weather."
"Okay, but I'm coming up now," Sarah replied determinedly.
"Sarah," I pleaded. "Please stay down there. Really. It's going to make me feel worse if you leave. Just have a good time for me. I want to be alone anyways. I'll probably go to bed soon. I need to get up early tomorrow to run errands."
"Caitlin," Sarah said plaintively. "How can I have a good time when I know you're up there sad?"
I felt a surge of affection for Sarah. But I also really wanted to be alone. "Sarah, I promise I'm not sad," I lied. "Please, just stay down there. It'll make me feel a lot better."
Sarah sighed. She knew a losing battle when she heard one. I think she also realized I really did want to be alone. "Okay, but I'm not staying late."
I laughed. "I'm not going to make you stay out all hours of the night. But I also want you to have fun tonight. I'll be fine."
"Okay," Sarah said. "But you better call me if you need me."
"I promise I will," I said. "Now, go flirt with Grant."
"You don't have to tell me twice," Sarah crowed gleefully. "See you later, Caitlin. And remember your promise."
"Scouts honor," I replied with a smile.
"Hey!" Sarah exclaimed. "You were never a girl scout!"
I laughed, feeling some of my tension drain. "Bye Sarah."
"Bye Caitlin," Sarah replied. "I'll be home soon."
After I hung up the phone with Sarah, I wondered if Simon would care that I wasn't coming back. I shook my head. He had Samantha to occupy him. And that wasn't a bad thing. Maybe if he got involved with someone else, I would stop thinking about him so much. I felt a pang at the thought of Simon with someone else, but I embraced that pang, knowing the more I got used to that feeling, the better.
I turned on my iPod and put the buds in my ears, choosing a playlist that was full of soothing tunes and closing my eyes, losing myself to the music.
CHAPTER FIVE
I spent most of Sunday afternoon in the school library. I really did have some homework to get through, but it wasn't nearly as much as I had told Simon. I admitted to myself that it was cowardly to hide in the library, but I didn't want to chance having Simon insist on helping me with my Economics homework.
Sarah had come home early the night before, as promised, and found me lying in bed, still listening to my iPod. She had told me that Simon had kept bugging her about coming upstairs to check on me since she had told everyone I was feeling sick. Sarah had to keep insisting that I had told her I was going right to sleep.
I couldn't help but feel a warm glow that Simon seemed concerned about me, but tried to banish the feeling. Whether or not he was just engaging in a mild flirtation with me, or
if he was interested in pursuing more, it didn't matter because neither fit in my world. My world was already full with school and friends and I needed nothing more.
I was sitting in a small study carrel in a corner of the library, hidden by bookshelves. It was the perfect place to disappear. Even after I had finished all my work, I stayed there, listening to my iPod and trying not to daydream, as my thoughts kept drifting dangerously to Simon. I folded my hands on the desk and rested my head on them, trying instead to imagine what life would be like after graduation.
