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I shot up, feeling on edge and looking fearfully at the doorway. I saw Simon there, peering into the darkness of my room.
"Simon!" I whispered sharply. "You scared me to death! I almost had a heart attack!"
Simon walked in, closing the door behind him, not bothering to be quiet once he saw that I was awake. I felt a little tense now that the hallway light was no longer illuminating my room. The only remaining light was the shaft of moonlight from the window next to the bed.
"Sorry," he said quietly as he moved closer to me. I could barely make out the features of his face in the dark. "I couldn't sleep and I was wondering if you were able to. I figured I would check up on you to see if you were okay."
It was hard to stay upset at Simon when he was so concerned. It continually amazed me how kind and thoughtful he was. Was he this way with everyone?
"I'm okay, thanks. I couldn't go back to sleep either."
Before I could protest, Simon lifted a corner of the covers and slipped in beside me, laying next to me.
"Simon! What are you doing?!" I tried to keep my voice quiet, remembering that Sarah had left her door open even though mine was now closed.
"We can help each other try and sleep. Or at least keep each other company while we're awake."
I scooted away but Simon hooked his arm around my waist, not letting me get very far. We were facing each other and I was aware of how close our faces were, our breaths mingling together.
"I don't think this is a good idea."
"You don't think anything is a good idea."
"Simon-"
He cut me off with a finger to my lips and I stilled, suddenly unable to speak. He removed his finger and lightly brushed my hair off my face, looking deep into my eyes.
"Caitlin, there's so much I don't understand about you," Simon said softly, moving his hand from my hair to my cheek, stroking gently. "I know you're holding back on me. And as much as it bothers me that you won't open up, I know I'm not the only one feeling this. I can see it in your eyes. You want me as much as I want you."
I opened my mouth, not sure whether I was going to protest or agree, when he continued, not giving me a chance to speak.
"I'm not just talking physically, although God knows that's a big part of it. I find my thoughts drifting to you when you're no
t around. Wondering what you're doing. What you're thinking. You're funny, smart, sweet and beautiful. But you don't seem to realize it. It's endearing and frustrating at the same time. But the glimpses you give me, the glimpses of the Caitlin with no walls, is enough for me to know that you're worth fighting for. So that's what I'm going to do, Caitlin. I'm going to fight for you."
My lips trembled, his words piercing my heart. My walls felt like they were made of paper, giving way with nothing but a slight breeze.
"Simon," I said, my voice low and raw. I couldn't deny it anymore. But I had to give him the truth. At least a version of it. "I'm not going to lie and say I don't feel something for you. And that's putting it lightly. But there's so much you don't know. I'm damaged. In ways you could never understand. In ways I don't understand. Getting involved would just hurt both of us. You would never be happy with what I could give you. And I would always be second guessing myself, knowing you deserved better. Because my life isn't my own. It's not mine to give you."
I stopped, not able to say anything more. Simon's brows had furrowed in confusion as I spoke. "I don't understand. What do you mean you're damaged? Why isn't your life your own?"
I shook my head, unable to say any more. Simon could never understand the dark corners of my mind, the death and violence I lived with. And now I had to come to terms with homicidal shadows trying to kill people - to kill him. I could never be that bright happy girl Simon deserved. The one that could build a future with him, that could share a life with him. I couldn't express any of these things so I stayed silent as I felt tears escaping my eyes, slipping onto the pillow beneath me.
Simon moved his hand to wipe the tears away gently with his thumb. "You're not ready to tell me. That's okay. You've told me more than before. How you think about yourself. And I'm willing to wait for the rest. But you're not damaged." He shook his head at my grimace of protest. "You're not damaged. But even if you were, I'd spend the rest of my life fixing you. My life isn't my own either, Caitlin. I can't explain it, but since I've met you, I've felt a connection to you so strong that I can't deny it. I don't want to deny it. So my life isn't my own. It's yours."
My heart felt like it was going to shatter at his words, but then my breath grew shallow as Simon moved his head across the pillow, closer to mine. My eyes drifted closed of their own accord and I felt the soft, tentative brush of his lips against mine, as if he was asking permission. I was helpless and leaned closer into him, my lips parting. Simon groaned as he cupped his hand at the base of my head, drawing me closer. His lips went from coaxing to demanding, slanting over mine with growing pressure. My body responded in kind, igniting as I felt liquid warmth pooling inside of me, my hips instinctively arching against his. I wrapped my arms around him as he slipped a hard thigh between mine and I clung to its muscled length, feeling a tide of desire rush over me. Simon invaded my mouth with his tongue, tangling together with mine in a seductive rhythm. I heard a whimper and realized it was coming from me. I felt out of control and it scared and exhilarated me in equal measure.
Simon broke his lips away from mine, breathing harshly, his eyes glittering in the dark with desire. "Caitlin," he whispered, his voice thick and rough. He let out a deep breath and blinked his eyes as if he was coming out of a trance. He smiled slowly, brushing my cheek with his thumb. "I've been wanting to do that for a long time."
I took in a long shuddering breath. I couldn't believe the way I had responded to Simon. I felt as if I should be embarrassed or regretful, but I felt neither as I looked at him. Maybe I deserved this chance. This chance to be happy with this amazing person who seemed to care so much for me. So I smiled in return. "If I had known you could kiss like that, I would have let you do it a lot sooner."
Simon grinned, looking ridiculously happy. He pulled me closer until my head was nestled under his chin, his arms wrapped around me. "Be careful or I'm going to forget that this is my parents' house and not worry about you feeling awkward about it. The only thing holding me back now is not wanting to take advantage of you. I know you were pretty shaken up over your nightmare."
"That's not why I kissed you back."
"Good." Simon kissed the top of my head. "Try and go to sleep. We have a long day tomorrow. And we have the rest of our lives to make out like horny teenagers."
I snuggled in closer, hoping this was true. The beating of his heart was soothing and, engulfed in his warmth, I let myself believe that I could have this. I could have a future with Simon. I would find out everything I needed from my aunt on Sunday and somehow I would figure out what to do with these visions. How to handle the presence of vardogers. How to get rid of them. And most importantly, how to protect Simon against his.
