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Simon gripped the steering wheel tightly. "I don't know. Just far from here."
I still didn't understand how he was able to fool my father and Lenore. "How did you convince them that you were really a vardoger?" I hesitated as a thought struck me. "Is your vardoger still inside you?"
Simon didn't answer for a while. My anxiety and confusion grew the longer he avoided answering the question. He finally glanced at me, but only for a brief second, and then he looked back at the road. His voice was low when he spoke.
"I wasn't lying to you before."
"Wait, what?" I turned my body sideways so I could fully look at him. "What are you talking about?"
Simon's profile was tense and I could see that he was clenching his jaw. He didn't turn towards me when he answered.
"I'm not who you think I am. I've been a vardoger since you met me. I was able to fool your father and Lenore because it's the truth."
I stared at him, my mind blank. Nothing he was saying was making sense. "Why are you saying that? You don't have to pretend anymore."
Simon smiled grimly and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "That's the ironic thing. What you think is a lie is the truth. What you think is the truth is a lie."
I felt a flare of anger. "Stop talking in riddles! Everything in my goddamned life is a riddle!"
Simon took a deep breath and then started talking. His voice was quiet but seemed to fill every corner of the car.
"I took over Simon's body his sophomore year in college. It was ridiculously easy. He was so open and unguarded. A bottle of sleeping pills and he was gone. Everything had gone according to plan. My power was growing and I had the foresight to plan for the future instead of all the stupid vardogers that only lived in the moment. I knew we'd never survive in our current state. Seers were growing stronger and destroying more and more vardogers every day. I knew the only way to defeat them was to band together."
I was dumbstruck by Simon's words, unable to speak. He continued talking despite my lack of response.
"But there was something wrong. Emotions were left behind. When a vardoger overtakes their person, they retain all their knowledge and information. After all, we're actually an extension of the person. We have all their memories. It allows us to slip into their life seamlessly. But there was an imprint of emotions left behind with Simon. That's not supposed to happen. All of a sudden, I could feel emotions that I had never experienced before. I could feel joy and regret. I found myself being able to be empathetic. To put myself in someone else's shoes." Simon grimaced. "For a vardoger, that's the worst nightmare possible. We're not immune to emotions, but our emotions are usually exclusively destructive, like hate and anger. Not love."
I swallowed loudly at his last statement. "So...are you saying you became like Simon? The real Simon?" I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I was half expecting Simon to laugh and say it was all a big joke.
He shook his head. "No. The imprint of emotions allowed me to feel, but they weren't Simon's emotions. I'm nothing like Simon. He never felt strongly about anything. He had no desire to go to Yale, but his father wanted him to attend so he went without a fight. He enjoyed playing music but was wasting his talent because it was too much of an effort to try and pursue his dream. He was a decent guy but everything about him was tepid at best. It used to drive me crazy to witness his apathetic approach to life when I was just his shadow."
"If you've overtaken Simon's body and you're truly a vardoger, why did you help me escape?" My hands were clasped together so tightly on my lap that they began to tingle. I couldn't believe that I was actually entertaining the idea that he was telling the truth. I briefly wondered if this was some sort of trick he and my father had planned to lull me into a false sense of security.
Simon looked at me for the first time since he had started telling his story. I wanted to reach out and stroke his face when I saw the anguish in his eyes, but I was afraid. If what he was saying was true, he was the enemy.
"What I felt for you...what I feel for you..." Simon's voice trailed off and he looked back at the road. "I love you, Caitlin. I feel it in every fiber of my being. It started out as an act. I was trying to push all those feelings away, to convince myself I hadn't been corrupted by weak emotions. Then one day I woke up and realized I didn't want to lose those feelings. If it meant I was weak, I'd rather be weak and be with you, rather than be strong and lose you."
"I don't know what to say." My voice was strained and I fought to speak more forcefully. "All this is pretty unbelievable."
I jumped when I felt Simon touch my clasped hands, pulling them apart so he could grasp one of them in his. A part of me wanted to pull away, but my emotions won out and I squeezed his hand. Simon's jaw relaxed fractionally.
"Do you love me?"
"I don't even know who you are," I whispered. My heart jumped into my throat when he pulled the car to the side of the road. We were on a deserted street and I didn't know if anyone could hear me if I screamed.
"I'm still the same...person that you thought I was before you knew the truth." Simon smiled at me sardonically. "I admit the 'person' part is a bit of a stretch." His expression turned serious as he continued. "I'm willing to do anything for you, Caitlin. Even if that means having to leave you."
An arrow of fear shot through me at his words. Where was Simon planning on going? I was willing to try and accept the craziness of his story because I knew regardless of what the truth was, I loved him. It was a little hard to come to terms with the fact that he had killed the real Simon and a part of me demanded that justice be served. But he wasn't the same...thing that had overtaken Simon, was he? He had changed to become a real person. To me, he was Simon. Not the Simon he had overtaken, but the Simon that had made me laugh and feel joy. The Simon that had made me believe anything was possible because of his love. I wondered if I was damning myself by loving a vardoger, but I realized I would rather be damned with Simon than blessed without him.
I opened my mouth to ask about his comment about leaving but was stopped by his lips crushing mine. I readily opened my mouth for him, my emotions surging as I felt him desperately trying to connect with me through physical contact. All the doubts and fear vanished as I wrapped my arms around his neck, surrendering to him as his tongue plunged into my mouth.
Simon groaned as he pulled me closer although we were separated by the center console. He sucked on my tongue when I slid it into his mouth and then laved it with his own. My heart was racing by the time we pulled apart.
Simon asked the question again, his voice husky. "Do you love me?"
"I love you, Simon. I'll always love you."
Simon closed his eyes and breathed deeply as tension drained from his face. His eyes looked hopeful when he opened them. "We need to keep moving. It was stupid of me to pull over, but I had to make sure your feelings for me weren't broken."
