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“You’ve been avoiding me the past few days and you’ll barely even look at me.”
I finally succeeded in breaking his grip and I grabbed the dishes from him, careful not to brush my fingers against his. I turned around and placed them in the sink, giving him my back. “That’s ridiculous. I’ve just been busy getting back to my normal life.”
He leaned one hand on the sink next to me and I was uncomfortably aware of how close he was. I refused to turn around and kept my gaze on the sink.
“This isn’t your normal life. As much as you’d like to believe it is, this is no longer your reality. The sooner you accept that, the easier it’ll be for you.”
Anger at his presumptuousness made me whirl around but I immediately pressed back against the sink when I realized how close he really was. I could see the flecks in his hazel eyes as he bent his head towards me.
“Just because your life is a certain way doesn’t mean mine has to be. Just because you have no friends and no life beyond vardogers doesn’t mean I have to be the same way.”
I regretted my harsh words as soon as I said them, but I had said nothing I didn’t believe. Or at least hoped was true. Ryan seemed to live a solitary life, a lonely life, and I didn’t think I could resign myself to the same fate.
His jaw tightened at my words but that didn’t deter him. “We’re getting off topic. I want to know why you’re avoiding me.”
I made a sound of frustration. “I’m not avoiding you!” He was physically too close and I could feel the heat radiating off of him. If I were to just lean up, to press closer, a kiss would become inevitable. The thought scared me and I raised a hand to his chest to push him back. I held my breath when he grabbed my hand and held it to his chest.
“Tell me why you’re avoiding me,” he repeated, his voice much lower. I shook my head in panic, wanting to escape the kitchen yet feeling transfixed by his gaze and the feel of his warm, hard chest beneath my hand.
“I know why you’re avoiding me.” He lowered his head, his eyes piercing into me. “It’s because you’re feeling the same thing I am. You want me as much as I want you.”
I felt hypnotized by his gaze as he lowered his head even more. His breath was a light caress against my lips and I felt a mixture of panic and desire pumping through me. His lips were a whisper away when panic finally won out and I pushed against his chest hard. He stumbled a little but quickly regained his balance. He looked at me with an enigmatic expression.
“You’re wrong!” I spat out, sca
red by how close I had been to betraying Simon. “I don’t want you! Don’t ever try that again!”
A muscle started twitching in his jaw but his voice was calm when he spoke. “Tell me you don’t have feelings for me. Convince me that I’m wrong.”
“I don’t have to convince you of anything! But you can rest assured that I don’t have any feelings for you.” It was easy to lie when I was so angry with him. “If this is your way of helping, you can leave!”
Ryan’s lips tightened and he studied me for a few moments before speaking again. “Don’t pretend like you don’t need my help. What we’re facing is beyond just you and me. Don’t get it tangled up with personal emotions.” His expression relaxed and he gave me a sardonic smile. “I won’t push you about your feelings if you want to play it this way.”
“Asshole,” I muttered as I turned around. I started washing the dishes with a vengeance, hating that he was right. I needed his help, no matter how messed up my emotions were. I just needed to get a better handle on them, to control them. I swore to myself that I would never let Ryan affect me again like he had tonight.
I was relieved when he finally left the kitchen. My shoulders slumped as righteous indignation gave way to guilt. If Simon knew what had just almost happened, not only would he be devastated but he would be on a warpath. I couldn’t chance any violence erupting between Ryan and Simon. We had enough problems to deal with as it was.
“Don’t do the dishes. You cooked. Just leave them for later and I’ll do them.”
I jumped at the sound of Sarah’s voice but I forced my tone to be cheerful when I replied without turning around. I didn’t want her to see how flushed my face was. “I’m just about done anyway. It’s no big deal.”
I heard Sarah putting things away in the kitchen as I finished up the dishes. I hoped that I looked composed as I turned around. “Did Jenny find a top she was happy with?”
“Yeah, but it took forever. I think she tried on every top I had.” Sarah frowned as she studied me. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why?” I hoped my voice sounded nonchalant but my heart was hammering against my ribcage. I wondered if she could see the guilt plastered across my face.
“You look a little flushed.”
“I’m fine,” I said with a bright smile. A part of me wanted to tell Sarah about my conflicted emotions but I wasn’t even sure exactly what my feelings were. Things were complicated enough as it was and I didn’t want to pull her into the chaotic mess of my emotions. Besides, I was determined to squash whatever feelings I had started developing for Ryan so there was nothing to tell. “I’m going to get changed.”
I made my escape to my bedroom and changed quickly, not really paying attention to what I changed into. I acted as naturally as I could when I came back into the living room and but I was acutely aware of Ryan watching me. I tried to ignore him and told myself this would be a good night and I wouldn’t ruin it with my neuroses.
Fortunately, Jenny and Sarah kept the conversation going as we made our way to the East End and I made sure to inject comments here and there so that they didn’t think anything was amiss. The bar was already packed but we managed to finagle a table in the back. I took a large swallow of beer as soon as the waitress set the bottles down on our table.
“When do you find out if you got the job?” Jenny asked, leaning towards Ryan so he could hear her over the din of the crowd. I blinked in confusion, but Ryan remembered the lie of why he was in town with ease and answered smoothly. I tuned out their conversation and took another sip of beer.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sarah asked in a low voice so only I could hear her. “You’re acting kind of weird.”
