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I coughed a little, shocked by her candor, but that had always been her way. I felt myself blush but I nodded. Sarah raised an eyebrow.
“That’s pretty good, considering it was your first time.” She hesitated before continuing. “Did it feel any different? You know, because he’s a vardoger.”
I shrugged. “How would I know the difference? It was my first time. But I don’t think it was any different.”
“That was a big step,” Sarah said. “I mean, it would have been a huge step regardless, but it’s an even bigger step because of what he is.”
“I accepted it a long time ago,” I said quietly. “I hope you can too.”
“I’m trying,” Sarah said with a small smile. “Honestly, most of the time I forget he even is one. He acts so human.”
“He has human emotions just like we do. He’s as human as we are.”
Sarah sighed as she leaned back on the bed. “Even though I trust your judgment, I hope to God you’re not making a mistake in trusting him.”
I didn’t want to rehash this topic again so I changed the subject. “What do you think about Ryan?” I asked nonchalantly.
“What about him?” Sarah wrinkled her brow and then her gaze became speculative. “Did something happen between you two?”
“No!” I exclaimed, and then tried to calm my voice. “I just wondered what you thought about him. If he was trustworthy.”
She shrugged. “I guess so. So far he’s done nothing but help us.” She frowned at me. “Are you sure nothing happened between you two?”
“I’m sure,” I said, feeling a little exasperated. I hesitated before continuing. “Nothing’s happened between us, but I think…” I trailed off, feeling stupid. “I think I’ve developed a dumb crush on him or something.”
“I knew it!” she exclaimed. “I knew there had to be something between you two with the way he’s always watching you.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked in alarm. I often caught Ryan watching me but I didn’t think anyone else had noticed. If Sarah had caught onto it, I was sure Simon had noticed as well. I felt guilt surge through me even though technically I hadn’t done anything. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to have some girl hanging around Simon and have him refuse to get rid of her. I would be heartbroken.
“It’s just that whenever I look at him, he seems to be looking at you. He tries to be surreptitious about it, but I’ve noticed. I just didn’t think you reciprocated his feelings.”
“I don’t!” I insisted. “I think it’s just because we’ve been spending so much time together. But it doesn’t mean anything. I love Simon. My feelings for Ryan are just a by-product of the situation.”
Sarah looked at me assessingly before speaking. “Then why is it bothering you so much?”
“Because I shouldn’t have feelings for anyone except Simon. I feel like I’m betraying him.”
“If it’s really what you’re saying, just a by-product of spending so much time together, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s normal to develop crushes on people even if you’re in a relationship. The feelings will fade as quickly as they develop.”
Sarah’s words gave me hope. “You mean you’ve had feelings for other people besides Grant?”
“Well, not with Grant.” She quickly continued talking when she saw me frown. “There just hasn’t been anyone around for me to crush on. But it’s happened to me before in past relationships. It’s natural. As long as you don’t act on it, there’s nothing to worry about.”
Sarah’s words were a huge relief and I told myself I was just in a tizzy because I wasn’t used to being in a relationship. It was a big load off my mind and it helped reduce a lot of my guilt.
It was with newfound ease that I smiled at Ryan when I went into the kitchen later to find him making a cup of tea. I was confident that my feelings for him would soon fade and everything would go back to normal.
“Want a cup of tea?” he asked as he poured hot water over his tea bag.
“No, thanks,” I replied and proceeded to pour myself a glass of juice. “But I’m glad to see you’re getting good use out of my gift. Do you have a favorite flavor?”
Ryan threw the empty teabag wrapper closer to me on the kitchen counter. “They’re all good but this one’s my favorite. I guess it matches my mood the most.”
I stared at the wrapper on the counter, feeling my face warm as I read the mood written on the label: desire. I hadn’t noticed that one in the collection of tea bags when I had bought it. If I had, I doubted I would have given it to him.
“I didn’t even realize that came in the assortment,” I said
slowly, trying to make it clear that it wasn’t supposed to mean anything.
