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I stared up at him in horror. He was talking about himself as if he was another person, but I didn’t think a vardoger was inside him. My powers hadn’t worked against him, but maybe it was possible that I just wasn’t strong enough to destroy his vardoger. It gave me renewed hope because that meant Ryan was in there somewhere, and he could fight against the vardoger.
“Ryan, fight!” I cried as I started funneling my power to try again. “I know you can hear me and I know you’re strong enough to take control of your body. Don’t let the vardoger win!”
He threw back his head and laughed. I took the opportunity to slam my energy into him again, but it did nothing. When he looked back down at me, his eyes were still crazed.
“I’m not a vardoger, bitch. Enough talking. Now it’s time to do some cutting.”
I struggled wildly as I saw him lowering the knife, refusing to believe that this was the end. I gasped when the sharp edge of the knife sank into my cheek. Wetness followed the sting and I waited for the knife to sink in deeper, afraid to move in case I made it worse. I was surprised when the knife lifted but didn’t come back down. I looked at Ryan’s face and he looked as horrified as I felt. He dropped the knife and let go of my wrists. I took advantage of the opportunity and roughly pushed him off me so that he fell back onto the ground. I grabbed the knife he had abandoned and stood up, backing away quickly. I held the knife out in front of me, just waiting for him to rush me so I could sink it into his heart.
Instead of rushing me, he stayed on the ground but he had dropped his head so I couldn’t see his expression. All the fear I had been trying to suppress rushed through me and I almost choked as I screamed at him.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you crazy?”
Ryan raised his head, his expression looking haunted, but I didn’t care about the remorse I saw on his face. Remorse didn’t mean much when he had been about to slice me from top to bottom. I raised my hand up to my cheek that was wet with blood, but thankfully the cut was shallow. I didn’t want to think about what would have happened if Ryan hadn’t stopped himself.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “That wasn’t me.”
A part of me wanted to just turn around and run, to get as far away from him as possible, but I couldn’t deny the fact that I still needed him to track down my father. I wasn’t sure how he was going to help me since he had proven himself to be insane, but I had no other means of finding my father. I also admitted to myself that, despite everything, I was concerned about him. I had grown to admire and respect him, and if I was being honest with myself, I cared about him more than I would ever admit out loud. My heart belonged to Simon but I felt a kinship with Ryan that no one could understand unless they were a seer. He understood me in ways that Simon never could. I also couldn’t forget that he had saved my life more than once.
Despite my feelings, I was still incredibly wary of him. “Who was it then?” I asked. “Was it a vardoger?”
He shook his head and his voice trembled when he spoke. “No, it’s my sister.”
“You mean your sister’s vardoger?” I asked in confusion.
“No, it’s my sister’s soul.”
“Okay, you’re going to have to explain what that means,” I said in frustration. “I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about.”
“Do you remember what I told you about my sister?”
“Of course.”
When Ryan spoke again, he was looking at me but his eyes were glazed as if he were reliving the past. “I wasn’t able to destroy her vardoger. It overtook her but instead of her soul being extinguished, I somehow absorbed it into my body. I think it happened when I used my powers to try to kill her vardoger.” Ryan’s eyes cleared and he was looking at me like he was seeing me again. “It wasn’t my sister that killed my parents. It was my sister’s vardoger. She could never do anything like that. The person that’s in the mental hospital right now isn’t my sister. It’s my sister’s body with her vardoger inside.”
I raised my eyebrow. “So if it’s your sister’s soul in your body, how does that explain your psychotic behavior?”
Ryan’s expression was grim. “I think something inside her broke when she saw what happened to our parents. She had to see herself killing them, even though she wasn’t really responsible. I’m not able to communicate with her but I can feel her pain.”
I looked at him in disbelief. “And that’s supposed to explain why she’s batshit crazy and tried to cut me up?”
He shook his head, imploring me to understand. “She’s not herself. She has all this anger that she doesn’t know what to do with, so she turns to violence. She’s angry that she’s not in her own body so she tries to take control of mine.”
“Did you hear the shit she was saying to me?” I asked incredulously. “That’s not normal anger.”
“I hear and see everything she does when she takes control, but that’s not how she really is. If I’m just able to get her back into her body and destroy her vardoger, I know she’ll be okay. She’ll go back to normal.”
“You’re the one that told me she wanted her vardoger to overtake her so that she could destroy you.” Ryan seemed to be in denial. I understood that he loved his sister and wanted to save her, but even he had to recognize that his sister was seriously imbalanced and it had nothing to do with being ejected out of her body. “It sounds like she’s had some mental problems from the beginning.”
“No, she’s just angry!” Ryan’s voice rose, no longer imploring. “I’m responsible for her being like this because I fucked up when I was trying to destroy her vardoger. Somehow I pulled out her soul instead of the vardoger. Luckily it entered me instead of expiring.”
“You’re crazy too,” I muttered, backing away. “There is no way in hell I’m being a part of any of this.”
He scrambled up when he saw me moving away, but he didn’t come any closer when I swung the knife towards him in warning. He put his hands out in supplication. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
I laughed bitterly at his words. “What about sister dear? She was ready to slice and dice me.”
“Look, you need me. You won’t be able to track your father without me.”
