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"It's all right, Duncan," Garp said. "Don't be scared. I'm just taking you home."
"Son?" the policeman asked Duncan. "Is this your father?"
"You're scaring him," Garp told the cop.
"I'm not scared," Duncan said. "Why are you taking me home?" he asked his father. It seemed that everyone wanted to hear this.
"Ralph's mother was upset," Garp said; he hoped that would be enough, but the rejected lover in the police car started to laugh. The policeman with the flashlight shone his light on the lover boy and asked Garp if he knew him. Garp thought: There is no end to this in sight.
"My name is Garp," Garp said, irritably. "T. S. Garp. I am married. I have two children. One of them--this one, named Duncan, the older--was spending the night with a friend. I was convinced that this friend's mother was unfit to look after my son. I went to the house and took my son home. Or, I'm still trying to get home.
"That boy," Garp said, pointing to the police car, "was visiting the mother of the friend of my son when I arrived. The mother wanted the boy to leave--that boy," Garp said, again pointing to the kid in the police car, "and he left."
"What is this mother's name?" a policeman asked; he was trying to write everything down in a giant pad. After a polite silence, the policeman looked up at Garp.
"Duncan?" Garp asked his son. "What is Ralph's name?"
"Well, it's being changed," Duncan said. "He used to have his father's name, but his mother's trying to get it changed."
"Yes, but what is his father's name?" Garp asked.
"Ralph," Duncan said. Garp shut his eyes.
"Ralph Ralph?" the policeman with the pad said.
"No, Duncan, please think," Garp said. "Ralph's last name is what?"
"Well, I think that's the name being changed," Duncan said.
"Duncan, what is it being changed from?" Garp asked.
"You could ask Ralph," Duncan suggested. Garp wanted to scream.
"Did you say your name was Garp?" one of the policemen asked.
"Yes," Garp admitted.
"And the initials are T. S.?" the policeman asked. Garp knew what would happen next; he felt very tired.
"Yes, T. S.," he said. "Just T. S."
"Hey, Tough Shit!" howled the kid in the car, falling back in the seat, swooning with laughter.
"What does the first initial stand for, Mr. Garp?" the policeman asked.
"Nothing," Garp said.
"Nothing?" the policeman said.
"They're just initials," Garp said. "They're all my mother gave me."
"Your first name is T?" the policeman asked.
"People call me Garp," Garp said.
"What a story, man!" cried the boy in the caftan, but the policeman nearest the squad car rapped on the roof at him.
"You put your dirty feet on that seat again, sonny," he said, "and I'll have you licking the crud off."
