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“That’s putting it mildly,” she says, and I feel her leg start to bounce. Something I notice she does when she gets overwhelmed. I almost want to stop, but the strokes of her hand haven’t quit. They urge me to go on; they remind me I’m safe.
“Yeah. I’ve learned that no matter how much I hate her, it still won’t erase what she did to me.” I lick my lips, leaning into her. “If this is too much, tell me.”
“Wes, this is your truth. I want whatever you want to give me.”
My heart jumps into my throat and then plummets back down into my gut like a ton of bricks. “Sandi started to touch me inappropriately out of nowhere one day. She had never done any light touching, or grooming, as they call it. She was mean to me, very demeaning, and then one day, I came out of the shower, and she just grabbed me, started to rub me. I was so confused. It was wrong, so I hit the ground, trying to keep her off me. She held me down by the back of my neck and sodomized me with her fingers.”
I feel wetness on my cheek, and my stomach starts to ache. I should stop, I know I should, but Stella doesn’t know it all. “She continued to do it to me for three years. I would scream, trying to fight her, but she was so much bigger than me, weight-wise. She would tell me if I told anyone, she would keep me from the rink and tell my dad that I raped her, that I wanted her, and he would believe her because she was an adult.”
“How’d it stop?” she whispers. “Please tell me she’s in jail, rotting and getting sodomized by other inmates.”
“I told my best friend at the time. Only that she was touching me, not all of it, and he told his mom. Cathy went to bat for me. Got me out of the house, and when I was in foster care, she fought to adopt me. She was amazing and a godsend. I believe my mom sent her to save me.”
“I’m so glad you told your friend.”
“Well…” I say softly. “It wasn’t the best choice because he was young and so competitive. Any time his mom would give me attention, he’d say it was because I had sex with my stepmom, but it wasn’t true. She never forced me to have sex with her. I wouldn’t let her.” I feel her swallow hard against my neck, and I wrap my arms tighter around her. “I had minimal contact with my dad because he didn’t believe it was true. Called me a liar, a jealous kid who wanted Sandi gone, and all that kind of stuff. When the charges were filed, my lawyer said they needed me on the stand or Sandi would get off since there was no evidence of the abuse. Even though everyone knew it was true because of how fucked up I was. I was scared, but I wanted her to pay for what she did to me, so I agreed. But then my dad begged me not to. Told me I didn’t need to because Sandi would plead guilty and go to jail. I shouldn’t have to sit up there and retell everything. It would only hurt me more.”
When her breath catches, I close my eyes. “He lied, didn’t he?” she asks.
“He did, and I had no clue until the end.” Her tears run down over my cheek and my jaw as she kisses me softly. “Thankfully, I was in Cathy’s custody, so I didn’t have to have any contact with either of them, but that didn’t mean they left me alone. They’d show up to my games, and Cathy would lose her shit. She didn’t want to uproot her family, so I had to deal, but the first team that came sniffing around, I signed with. I didn’t care. I needed out.”
“And even with all that hell, that trauma, that abuse—here you are. Do you realize how incredible that is, Wes?”
“I’m a train wreck.”
“No, you’re not. You’re here. You’re fighting.”
I smile against her cheek, feeling so much relief. Like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my chest. I have no more secrets; I’m not lying to anyone. This is me. “Here I am.”
She pulls back then, her eyes full of tears, dripping over the edge of her lashes and down her sweet face. She cups my cheek, rubbing my bottom lip with her thumb as her eyes burn into mine. With a shaky voice and a proud smile on her face, she says, “A survivor.”
My heart almost can’t handle her proclamation. A survivor? I’ve never considered myself that. As I gaze into her eyes, I feel so free, but something is weighing me down. “Does this change things between us?”
