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Jeremy and Jake both look at me and Jeremy says, “You can go home. As soon as your boyfriend finds you.”
Jeremy and the others drive away, and I’m left with Jake.
“I’m sorry about him,” Jake says, and I jump. I didn’t expect him to speak to me. His voice is pleasant, deep. “He’s pretty terrible.”
“Why did you agree to this if you think he’s terrible?”
Jake kicks the ground. “If I didn’t agree, he’d have someone else here waiting with you, and I...didn’t want that.”
“But...you don’t know me.”
“But I know you’re important to Shy and Shy was important to Lily.” He takes a seat on his tailgate. “Sorry.”
I don’t say anything. I pace, hoping Shy shows up soon. It’s getting colder.
Something rattles behind me, and I turn to see Jake reaching into a cooler.
“Capri Sun?” he asks, holding a pouch.
I look at him, wary, but accept the drink. I’m thirsty. Jake reaches behind him again and produces a blanket. “Here. I can tell you’re cold.”
“You’ve done this before, haven’t you?”
“Never this way,” he says. “It’s always been official. But yes.”
I put the Capri Sun down and wrap the blanket around me, taking a seat beside him on the tailgate. It creaks with my weight. We’re quiet for several moments when I say, “I saw you at Lily’s memorial.”
He nods.
“How long were you together?”
“Through the summer,” he says. “She wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend. I was a secret so we got creative with our hiding spots. It was exciting at first, and then one day it wasn't. I didn't want to be a secret anymore. She...ended it before she…” he doesn't finish his sentence but I know what he’s going to say—before she killed herself. So, he believes that. “I didn't know she was struggling.”
She wasn't.
My heart aches for him, for his belief in her unhappiness and suicide, for his wish to be visible beside her. I wonder if he cares now, if he’d be her secret if it meant she were alive again. I wonder if I could do it—be someone’s secret. Isn’t that what I am now? In a different way?
“I think she was seeing someone else,” he says at last.
“What?”
“I saw her with this kid from your school,” he says. “He didn't look so nice. Kind of severe and he smoked.”
Thane.
“Were you following her?”
“No, they were out,” he says. “He wasn't a secret. I know this sounds bad but...I can't help thinking he convinced her to...to…you know, kill herself.”
I hold back the protest climbing up my throat.
“Why do you think that?”
“Because of the way he looked at her when she wasn't looking at him. Or I guess that he never looked at her at all. He was always glancing at his phone like it was more interesting than the girl beside him,” he pauses a moment. “You know I found her at June’s the day before she died? She was sitting in the corner booth crying her eyes out. I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn’t say a word, wouldn’t look at me. Finally, that kid—her new boyfriend or whatever—came along and told me he’d take it from here.”
Thane never mentioned being with Lily the day before she died.
“What time were you there?” I ask.
