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I lowered my hands all the way. “What?”
“I’m a cam girl,” Vera explained.
I opened and closed my mouth, feeling like a fish out of water. “What?”
“I get naked online and people pay to watch.”
I walked over to the couch and sat down. I knew my wet body was going to get the thing soaked, but this was too much to take standing. After a few minutes of staring at the black television, I turned to Vera. “So porn?”
Vera laughed. “It’s a bit different, but okay.”
I rubbed my temples. “This is too much.”
“Can we talk about it?”
I put my hands out, stopping Vera from approaching. “Let me put some dry clothes on at least.”
I felt bad. I could see Vera’s face drop. From the little time I’d spent with Vera, I’d learned she wasn’t used to rejection. Vera was an enigma. From the outside she appeared to be a firecracker filled with confidence, but in reality she needed validation and feared rejection from those close to her more than anyone.
I sighed. “Vera, come to my room in a few minutes. I just don’t wanna catch my death.”
Now that I was in dry clothes, I was ready to talk with Vera. I called her into my room, knees pulled up to my chin for protection. I really didn’t want to talk about what I’d seen.
Vera dove right in. “So, you’ve never touched yourself?”
I coughed, choking on spit and incredulity. “Excuse me?”
“I said,” Vera repeated, giving me a look like I was the crazy one. “You’ve never touched yourself? Ever?”
I shook my head. “I just never wanted to.”
“I don’t believe that for a minute,” Vera said, sipping the tea she’d made while I was putting on my pajama-armor. She handed me a cup and I took it, thankful to have something warm to grasp. “You tellin’ me you never had a dream? Like the kind that makes you feel good?”
I sucked in my cheeks, thinking about Vera’s question. I knew what she was talking about. I’d had dreams that made me feel really good. They were usually about Eli, but sometimes they were about amalgams of men that didn’t exist.
When they were about Eli I felt less bad, but still not good. When they weren’t about anyone, when I just woke up feeling that good feeling between my thighs, I felt awful. I wasn’t supposed to feel like that. Good girls didn’t feel lik
e that.
That’s what I’d been taught.
Now I knew what I’d been taught wasn’t right. I knew Daddy wasn’t a good man. Still, I couldn’t get into that. I mean, I simply didn’t know up from down since I’d been taught down was up over and over and over again, and if I ever questioned it, was hit upside the head. I liked to think I was starting to figure the right things out, though. I looked at Vera, who was still waiting for an answer.
“Yeah, I guess,” I conceded, feeling uncomfortable. I added quickly, “But that doesn’t count.”
“Well duh,” Vera said, shifting on the bed so her legs were crossed. “But that’s what you could feel. You can’t tell me that doesn’t feel good and that you wouldn’t want to feel that.”
“Yes I can,” I said, defiantly. “I don’t want to feel that.”
Vera whistled. “Someone done a number on you girl.”
I frowned, looking at the shadows in the water of my unfinished tea.
“Well look, then,” Vera said, grabbing my shoulder. “I’m sorry you saw that. It must have been a shock.”
I shrugged her off. “I’m fine.”
“I like what I do and I’m not ashamed of it, Grace. If you ever want to talk, my door’s open.”
