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“Excuse me, ma’am?”
“What—oh, hello.” I stopped walking as a man approached me. He looked normal enough with sandy blond hair, brown eyes, and a blue shirt.
“I’m really sorry, ma’am, but I’m trying really hard to get change for the bus. Can you help me? Anything helps.” The man looked into my eyes, his own pleading. I didn’t have much, but I knew what it was like to have nothing. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a five-dollar bill. I didn’t usually carry around cash but, having never been to a baby shower, I wasn’t sure what to bring. I didn’t know if we were going to go out or if we gave them cash, hence the five-dollar bill.
“Here you go.” I handed it to him.
He looked at it with surprise. “Thank you, thank you so much. God bless you.” The man walked away, smiling. I felt a little better about the day and myself.
“He just scammed you.”
I looked around to see who was talking and saw a man sitting on the ground—or a young man more like, as he didn’t look older than seventeen. He looked up at me with disinterest, petting the dog next to him with care. He appeared homeless, sitting on a blanket with just his backpack and what appeared to be all he owned: a few books, some dog food, a bowl, some clothing, and a pillow. I’d been him only a few months before.
“What did you say?” I asked, looking away from his items and back to him, not sure I’d heard him right.
“That guy just scammed you, and you fell for it.”
I frowned. “What do you mean? He just wanted money for the bus.”
The kid shrugged and looked from me back to his dog, continuing to pet the creature’s head. “Guy comes up here every few minutes, asking people for change. Tourists mostly. You a tourist?” He turned his attention back to me.
I shook my head. “I just moved here.”
“You’re gonna run outta money if you keep giving it to people. Specially people that don’t deserve it.”
“Oh, well.” I shifted, feeling uncomfortable, wishing I could end the conversation. “Thank you for telling me.”
The kid shrugged. “You got any more left?”
“Any what?”
“Money,” the kid responded, his tone exasperated.
I shook my head, starting to get really uncomfortable. “No, sorry, that was the last of it.”
The kid scoffed and muttered something under his breath. With that he was done talking to me. I wasn’t sure if I should apologize or be angry, so I settled on queasy.
It was a few more blocks before I reached the apartment. The kid’s revelation had ruined any buzz giving the guy money had left me. I was back to where I’d been after leaving the shower. Even though it was only evening and the day had a few more hours left in it, I was tired. The minute I entered the apartment I crawled into bed. Lennox’s pronouncement coupled with the baby shower couldn’t help but dredge up old memories. I tried to suppress them, tried to think of anything else, but they surfaced like bloated cadavers in the ponds of my mind.
SIX MONTHS BEFORE
Something was wet.
I rolled over in bed, still groggy, and looked at the time: 3:30 in the morning. I’d fallen asleep just a little over an hour ago. I’d been looking at old pictures of me and Eli—well, crying over old pictures of me and Eli. It had only been six months since I’d made the decision that had changed the course of my and Eli’s life. He still had no idea what I was planning, but his life would be better for it.
He was planning for college now. He had a constant smile on his face because he believed he was planning our future. I didn’t have the courage to tell him we didn’t have a future any more.
Though it was nearly pitch in my room, I could definitely feel a wet spot between my legs. I hadn’t wet the bed since I was five. Okay, that’s a lie. One time when I was about thirteen I wet the bed. I was so embarrassed that I stripped the bed myself and had everything cleaned and washed before Mama and Daddy woke up in the morning. I swung my legs over the bed, prepared to do exactly as I had done then. No one past five wets the bed, or at least no one past five wets the bed and lets people find out.
I stepped out of my bed and made my way to the adjoining bathroom to clean myself off, not wanting to turn the light on, not wanting to see myself. Even if Eli didn’t know yet, I knew. I knew what was coming and every glance in the mirror was a reminder of the choice I’d made.
As my feet crossed the threshold to the bathroom, I felt dampness still seeping down my legs. It was like I was still peeing, only I had no control. Worry and fear enveloped me. What was happening to my body? I quickly rushed into the bathroom and turned on the light, my earlier hesitation no longer mattering.
Blood.
All over my inner thighs, dripping down to my knees and onto the floor. I was wearing only a sleep shirt, so I could clearly see the amount pouring out of m
e. It caked my thighs, knees, and shins, and new blood flowed over the crusty old blood. I had never seen so much blood in my entire life.
