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“Tell me, Grace,” Eli whispered. “Tell me where you’re touchin’ yourself.”
I was breathing so hard I could barely speak. “You know.”
“I want to hear you say it.” Eli’s voice was deep and demanding, sending shivers along my skin. I bit my lip so hard I was sure I bruised it. It was another excruciatingly long minute before I said anything, but Eli waited. I heard him waiting. I could hear his breathing. I could hear the tension as deeply as I felt it.
“My pussy.”
Eli groaned in unison with me. I was climbing so high, higher than I’d ever been. I could see the world beyond the stars. My breath was hitched and staccato. Maybe I would pass out, maybe I would die, but it wouldn’t be a perfect death. The one thing missing was Eli.
I called out his name just as I reached the peak, my eyes closed, seeing white and black and nothing and everything at the same time. My body felt like rubber, used and stretched hard. I lay against my sheets, feeling contentment and happiness.
I didn’t feel wrong. I didn’t feel bad. I felt…good, with none of the shame that usually accompanied the feeling. It was so freeing. I felt like a bird finally released from a cage. I was seeing the world. After staring at the sky for so long, I’d finally flown up to meet it.
“Goddamn you’re perfect. I love you, Gracie.”
And just like that my wings stopped working. I fell from the sky and hit the ground hard.
“I…” I grasped the phone so tight to my head my knuckles whitened. “I can’t, Eli.” I hung up and threw my phone across the room so I wouldn’t have to see how many times Eli called back. Shame washed over me again, but it was of a different kind. I guessed that meant I was evolving.
ONE YEAR BEFORE
I sat under our sugar maple tree, the green leaves blowing in the warm spring air. The bark was hard against my back and I could smell fresh flowers in the air. The pollen exacerbated my allergies, but I really didn’t mind. It was a small price to pay for all the beauty blossoming around me.
“Bug, look! Look!”
I perked my head up to see Eli running toward me, an envelope in his hand. I stood up from my seat against our tree in Mrs. Nelson’s yard, smiling. Eli was running so fast his limbs were almost akimbo. He had a white toothy smile on his face that stood in contrast against his dark skin. He looked so joyous and so beautiful.
This was our spot. It had been our spot for almost seven years. Our little Eden in this dreary and dismal backwards town. I couldn’t think of a better spot for me and Eli to meet when he gave me his good news—and it was going to be good news, I knew it was. Eli was brilliant. Not just on test scores (because he was a great test taker) but in his heart. He was genuine and goodhearted. People like him only came around once in a lifetime.
“What does it say?” I asked, taking the envelope from him when he reached me. He wheezed slightly, his asthma betraying him despite his good musculature. He waved at me, reaching for his inhaler, signaling me to read it for myself.
I tore at the edges of the envelope. “You haven’t read it yet?” He shook his head. My eyes widened as I now took care of the flimsy paper envelope. The small, rectangular package contained Eli’s hopes and dreams. It contained his future. I wasn’t just going to—
“Open it!” Eli demanded, smiling at me.
I grinned and tore open the contents. I reached for the letter, the regal looking Georg
ia State University embossing at the top feeling odd against my fingers.
“Well what does it say?” Eli asked.
“Dear Elijah, Congratulations!” Eli whistled and I continued, despite his dancing. “On behalf of Georgia State University we… blah, blah, blah,” I skimmed over the boring stuff, looking for the meat. Bingo. “Pre-Law! Eli, you’re pre-law!” I emphasized “pre” and “law.” Eli had been talking about being a public defender ever since reading To Kill a Mockingbird. I could have cried, I was so happy for him.
Eli sat down against our tree and I followed suit.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” he said, shaking his head.
I handed him the letter. “Believe it.”
We sat against the tree. I watched the clouds pass and reform against the cornflower blue sky while he read and re-read his letter.
“Full ride too.”
“Hmm?” I asked, looking away from the sky and to Eli.
“They’re going to pay for everything,” he explained.
“Are you serious?” My eyes widened at the news. “For how long?”
