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“I’m leaving town,” I lied. I needed to create a distance between Eli and me. If he didn’t go to school then everything was for nothing.
“Well,” Eli said. “I’ll come with you.” It was that fast and that easy for Eli. Even after gaining his dream, he was still willing to sacrifice it for me. He was willing to follow me to the ends of the earth for no other reason than love.
And that was the problem.
I was not good enough for Eli. He deserved to get out of the dying town and to flourish. I was already damaged. The town had ruined me. I was barren and owned by Zero. Tied to me, Eli would become bereft too.
“You can’t.” I couldn’t look at him. His face would break me. I loved him not just with my heart but my entire body, my soul. “It’s not that simple. You’re going to school, remember?”
“And you’re coming with me. Right?” Eli tried to pull me close but I turned away from him.
I felt numb. My heart had bled out of my body the day our baby died. Absolute destruction had befallen me. I was razed, an utter ruin of a person, and if Eli stayed he would be ruined too.
How did I beginto tell him when I couldn’t even tell myself? Anytime I thought of…that day, I blocked it out. Permanent marker forever smudged the memory. It wasn’t possible, what had happened to me. I simply couldn’t have lost all that, without even realizing I’d had it.
“Whatever it is,” Eli said, determined. “We can figure it out together.”
My eyes snapped to his. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to wrap my fingers around the hands that held mine. There was a coldness inside me now that chilled me to the core. I couldn’t even feel his fingers on mine. The usual roughness was gone. The only way I registered their location was through sight.
I had memories of Eli, but they were as real to me as words in an unread book. Whatever feeling I’d attached to our memories had frozen with my core. I saw my memories as if through clouded ice. I placed my hand on the ice, feeling its frigid exterior, and watched our past whiz by. I saw the first time we met. I saw our first kiss. I saw the first time we made love. I saw everything, but it was all stuck behind ice.
I peeled my hand away, the frost still sticking to my skin, and watched my memories dissolve. I had no pickaxe and the sun seemed to be perpetually set. Vaguely I registered Eli’s frantic tones as he pleaded with me to open up.
If I opened up it would mean talking about that day. It would mean telling Eli the reason he was going to college was because I wasn’t leaving, but staying there and working for Zero. It would mean unfreezing and feeling all the awful emotions I was afraid might overwhelm me.
Eli wasn’t numb. Eli was still Eli. He eventually stopped pleading and simply watched me. He saw my impassivity, and came to the same conclusion. Whatever had made me me was utterly iced. If Eli stuck around, he would freeze too.
Eli left for school a month later. I like to think I made it easy for him to go. The last time we spoke was the day at the supermarket. He tried to talk to me. He tried very hard. He’d realized I was lying about leaving town and since Daddy had died, he’d become emboldened. He’d rapped on my door every day, but I’d stayed locked in my room.
He came home every other weekend and tried to see me, but I stayed hidden. I wanted him to move on with his life. I wanted better for Eli. I was trapped in that town; trapped with my shadows and my ghosts and all my shames. He could be better.
Eventually he stopped coming. That day was bittersweet—more bitter than sweet. I cried all day when I realized there would be no rapping on the door that weekend. It was one thing to want to be forgotten, and another to actually be forgotten.
Mama disappeared inside herself. Without Daddy there to yell at her and use her like a megaphone, she was just a shell. Our house was empty. Despite his absence, his shadows remained. I still couldn’t go upstairs, because of the time I had and he’d beaten me to near unconsciousness.
I still felt like I could only leave under the cover of night, but I stayed in the house of shadows and I stayed with my mama, the shell. She refused to eat what I made for her. She was slowly withering away. I feared she would die soon.
“Mama?” I asked her one night. Holding her dinner, I waited for a response. Her eyes were glazed. Wrapped in a blanket, she stared at the wall. I sighed, setting the split pea soup in front of her. I shrugged and walked back into the kitchen.
“I should have done better by you.”
I paused, and turned around. “Did you say something, Mama?”
“I shouldn’t have waited so long to free us.”
“What are you talking about?” I kneeled so we were face to face. She was talking, but she wasn’t making any sense, and she still wasn’t looking at me. Mama stared off into space, a fog over her features. I clasped her hands, trying to bring her back to me.
A bellowing knock ricocheted around the house. I dropped Mama’s hands and, for the first time in months, felt excited. Maybe Eli hadn’t forgotten me. Maybe he was just running late this weekend. I knew it was stupid and selfish of me—I was supposed to be letting him go—but I ran to the door. I had to see him.
I opened the door, expecting Eli.
“Zero,” I gasped.
“In the flesh,” he responded, a crooked smile on his face.
“What—why are you here?”
“It’s been awhile since you came around. You forget your deal?”
