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I nodded warily, nervous that Vic might blow up. For the first time since arriving I noticed Vic, I mean actually noticed him. His hair was in disarray. His eyes were bloodshot. It looked like he hadn’t slept in a week, not just the night before. I felt terrible. Instead of thanking him for his help, I’d jumped right on him, demanding answers. He was doing more than I could for Vera. I struggled to find the words to thank him; “thank you” seemed too…normal for us.
With the palm of his hand, Vic rubbed the space between his eyes. “I have work to do.”
“Of course you do,” Lennox snapped. I watched lamely as Vic ascended the stares, Lennox glaring after him. With Vic gone, the air felt suffocated as the tension of an unfinished argument lingered. Eli and I quickly made excuses to leave, clearly having worn out our welcome.
“That was rough,” Eli said as we made our way down to my new apartment. Lennox had told me it was on the second floor.
“It’s not very big,” Lennox had said as she’d led us out. “But it was my home. I’ve been reluctant to rent it out, but I’m happy to let you use it. I hope you like it as much as I did.”
I nodded at Eli, thinking back to Lennox’s tired face as she’d shut the door behind us. Visiting Vic and Lennox was like taking a trip to Antarctica in a bikini. Frostbite was bound to happen the minute you stepped foot in the apartment. Just like frostbite, you felt the coldness between them first before you were assaulted by their fiery passion. It was very unpleasant.
“Are they always like that?” Eli asked as the elevator doors closed.
I tried to think back to a time when I’d seen Vic and Lennox happy. They were unlike most couples, where kissing, handholding, and general ooey-gooeyness pervaded. Still, they seemed to me like life and death; one can’t exist without the other. It isn’t pleasant, but it’s inevitable. Vic and Lennox were inevitable. Were they happy? I didn’t know. Did it matter?
“No,” I lied. “It’s just a rough week.” Eli nodded, seemingly convinced.
It was small, smaller than my old apartment with Vera. The walls were painted an ivory color that reminded me of fancy houses converted into museums. There was one bed, one nightstand, and a kitchen adjacent to the living room/bedroom combo. The only other room was the bathroom.
I inspected further, noting some dents in the walls that were covered with plaster and painted a different, whiter color than the rest. The nightstand also had some missing paint and wood, as if it had been knocked down and kicked around a bit. I chewed on my lip, thinking about the broken items. Sure, every place has some wear and tear, but something must have hit those pretty hard.
“What do you think?” Eli asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. “Can you imagine living here?”
I nodded.
“So you think you’ll stay here, in Santa Barbara?” He continued. “No more running?”
I knew what he was asking. He was asking if I was ever going to come back to Georgia. Of course I wanted to be with Eli. Eli would always hold my heart and soul, but he wasn’t me. That is, he wasn’t my heart and he wasn’t my soul. I wanted to continue finding myself because if I wasn’t sure what made up my heart and soul, I could never fully give them away.
“Eli…” I paced around my new place. “Eli I love you, but I can’t go back to Georgia.”
“Did I ask you to?” Eli took a step toward me, stare fixed.
“No,” I said, looking away. “Still, I know where this conversation is headed.” I’d made a lot of sacrifices for Eli. I’d nearly ended my life before it began, just so he could have his day in the sun. If I could go back in time, I would do it all over again. I knew that. I would trade places with him and sacrifice myself to Zero again. Eli deserved that much. He’d saved me and then I’d saved him.
But now, now I wanted to stand in the sun. I wanted to feel the rays on my skin. That didn’t mean I didn’t love Eli.
“Gracie, look at me.” I couldn’t look at Eli, worried that if I did I would lose all my conviction and follow him back to Georgia. “Look. At. Me.”
I snapped my head to him. “What?”
“I’m transferring to Santa Barbara. I’m going to be here.” Like I was in a car going a hundred miles an hour and someone suddenly hit the brakes, Eli’s announcement hit me hard.
“What?” I did a double take. “What are you saying Eli Jackson?”
“I’m moving here.” Slowly, like I was a cat about to scare, Eli took another step toward me.
“What? Why?” I looked around the new apartment, trying to find some object for my mind to hold on to. Everything was foreign to me, from the bed to the nightstand. I felt like I was falling and I just needed something to hold on to.
“For you, Grace.” Eli’s voice was calm and collected, as if he was only telling me the weather.
“Will that affect your career?” I stumbled over the words, not sure I was hearing him right. Moving to Santa Barbara? Not only would we be in the same state, but the same city. It was too good to be true. In my life, I’d learned that if something was too good, it usually meant there was a shadow underneath just waiting to swallow you whole.
“I don’t believe this, Eli.” Crossing my arms, I frowned and backed away from him until I hit the wall. “I don’t believe it for one minute. What’s the catch?”
Eli advanced fully, clearing the distance between us. “No catch, Bug. Sometimes you get both. Sometimes you can be happy in this life.” I shook my head, still in disbelief.
Eli grabbed my hands, forcing me to unfold my arms. “Stop. Don’t think about what may happen. Just be with me. We’re gonna do this. We were meant to be. We’re gonna be together, come hell or high water.”
