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I would have loved to share the experience with Eli. It may seem silly, but under the sugar maple tree we talked about taking a plane together and flying out of our town. As the plane rushed down the tarmac and lifted off, I glanced across the aisle and saw Eli staring at me. Wordlessly, we shared the moment we’d always planned on sharing.
“I’ll have french fries.” Lennox and the flight attendant looked at me, waiting for my response. I was speechless. It was only a few minutes into the flight and I was ordering food.
“I… I… Uh, just water right now, thanks.” The attendant nodded and continued on her way.
When the fries came, Lennox chewed silently. For the first time in hours, everything seemed to calm down. Only the low rumble of the plane’s engine could be heard. I laid my head against the comfy plane seat and was about to sleep when a thought popped into my head. I turned to Lennox and said, “Vic left?”
Lennox chewed her fries thoughtfully, her eyes looking beyond me and at the captain’s cabin. “After the dinner we had together at the beach. I woke up the next morning and he was gone.”
“Where’d he go?” I pressed, ignoring the voice in my head that said to let it go.
“Wouldn’t we all love to know that.” Lennox laughed bitterly.
Melancholy overcame me. “It was my fault he left, though.”
“No.” Lennox returned her gaze to mine. “No, it wasn’t your fault. Vic has done a good job of forgetting his past. His skeletons are buried so deep sometimes I think even he doesn’t even know where they are. You remind him of the past. You unearth those skeletons. He didn’t like that. He ran away.” I nodded. I knew a little something about running away. “Don’t tell him I said that though. He’s big and tough and big tough people don’t run away.” Lennox ate another bite of her fried potatoes. “Or fuck it, tell him. I don’t care.”
“He came back though.” I pointed out, feeling bad for bringing up a bad memory.
Lennox shrugged. “Yeah.” She opened a bottle of pills and chased it with wine.
“What’s that?” I realized too late that what I’d asked was nosy, and probably none of my business. By the time I opened my mouth to say sorry, she was already responding.
“Oh it’s nothing. I get back pain every now and then. No big deal.”
“I’m sorry.” I reached out to comfort her but quickly pulled my hand back, realizing I was again invading her space. Not sure what to do, I asked, “Is it bad?”
“It’s really not a big deal. Heads up though,” Lennox added. “I’ll probably fall asleep in a few. These make me sleepy.”
I nodded. After my miscarriage I’d had abdominal pain for a few weeks. They had prescribed me medication, but I was so afraid Daddy would find out that I threw away the prescription before I left the hospital. If I’d known Daddy wouldn’t be around, I would have kept it. I had been in so much pain. As I watched Lennox take her pills, I felt sorry for
her. I knew what it was like to be in pain. I just hoped she got relief.
The funeral, if you could call it that, was short and bitter. It consisted of me, Vic, Lennox, Eli, and a pastor. The pastor read a few things from the Bible while it rained around us. I had insisted it be outside, despite the weather. Daddy had kept her locked inside her entire life. She deserved to be outside, even if it was raining.
I thought Mama would have been happy to see who came to her funeral. She would have been happy seeing Vic with such a nice girl. Though she didn’t show it well, Mama had loved Vic. Even though Eli and I were still figuring things out, she would have been happy to know I wasn’t alone. I had Vic and Lennox. I had Eli. And somewhere in the world, I had Vera.
I didn’t cry because I didn’t want to think about what Mama’s death meant. I didn’t want to think about how I’d left her alone in the house, alone with Daddy's ghosts and shadows. I didn’t want to think about how I hadn’t called her at all.
I didn’t want to feel that guilt.
I didn’t want to feel her absence.
I really had thought that once I had my stuff figured out, I would come back for her. I would have taken her out of the house and we would have lived happily ever after. Together.
I wiped a stray tear from my eye, shoving the thoughts back down where they belonged. I couldn’t think about that now.
When the pastor finished talking to God, I shook his hand and picked up her ashes. Vic, Lennox, and Eli had been silent the entire time. I felt their eyes on me like a spotlight. I was sure they wanted to know what I was thinking, but I said nothing. Like I said, I didn’t even want to know what was going on in my head, so I sure as heck wasn’t about to start sharing it with anyone else.
We walked to our rental car in the rain. It was about an hour drive to the lawyers’ offices, as they weren’t in town but a few towns over in Macon. None of us spoke while driving, but Eli kept my hand in his the entire way. That small comfort meant the world to me.
I wasn’t sure what to expect when meeting with the lawyers. I had no experience with lawyers, and I was surprised that Mama even had a will. I’d half-expected her death to be followed by silence, but the phone call alerting me that I was the beneficiary of a will proved that false.
Staring out the window at the grey, rainy moving picture, I recalled the phone conversation I had, until then, blocked out of my mind.
“Is this Miss Wall, daughter of Carol Ann Wall née Bush?”
“Yes,” I’d replied, oblivious to the tidal wave about to crash.
