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‘I think I’ve got another booking.’
He leaned on the table and tried to get his breath back, watching her as she moved around, completely at home in his kitchen. He needed to back out of this, but instead he walked over to her, ran a gentle hand down her arm. Quelled the urge to pull her back into his embrace. ‘Are you OK?’ he asked. Self-conscious wasn’t really him. But it was flushing through, heating his cheeks now.
She looked surprised.
‘I’m sorry, that was a little—’
‘Barbarian?’ she suggested.
He smiled again, still a little uncertain.
She put her glass down and a naughty twinkle lit her face. ‘You can ravish me any time, Owen, you know that.’
He did know it. She welcomed him any time, every time. That didn’t mean he should take advantage of her. Not any more. Guilt ripped through him. It trebled when he saw the tinge of vulnerability suddenly shadow her eyes. He’d got himself into a mess.
This was why he didn’t do live-in anything. This was why he was better off alone. He just didn’t have it in him to be the kind of guy a woman like Bella needed—any woman needed. He couldn’t promise that he’d be there through thick and thin, or that he’d even see the thin patches. He sure as hell hadn’t with his parents.
He didn’t want to become bored and careless, as he had with Liz. He didn’t want to wake one day and see the lust in Bella’s eyes had been replaced with disappointment and bitterness. And he definitely didn’t want to be there to see her turn from his arms to someone else’s.
His whole body clenched. It was time to push away. It was way beyond time, because it’d hurt—until now he hadn’t realised it would. But better now than further along when it would only hurt more.
Then he thought of something else. Something so painful it twisted inside, becoming bitter anger. ‘Bella, I didn’t use anything just then. I didn’t have a condom on.’
He’d just lost it. Seen her. Kissed her. Taken her as fast as possible. And now—what if? He could hardly bear to look at her. He already knew he’d make a lousy father.
Bella carefully kept her weight back against the bench; her legs still weren’t working properly and at the expression in his eyes they were going even weaker. But it wasn’t from lust. It was from fear. Because it was fear she could read in his eyes. Fear and regret.
‘I know.’ She’d had the thought in her head for a split second, but it had gone as she’d been swept away in the chaos and bliss of the moment.
‘You didn’t stop me.’ His eyes had narrowed.
‘You didn’t stop yourself,’ she reminded him. She’d wanted it as much as he had—and he had wanted it. She’d never seen that expression on his face before—that naked need. The desire that he could scarcely seem to control. It had turned her on—for a moment she’d felt nothing but power and then she too had been totally lost. But he still wasn’t willing to recognise the strength of it. Right now he looked as if he wanted to run.
‘Is there a chance you might.’ He didn’t even seem able to say it.
‘Have a baby?’ She wanted to use the b-word. Not just say pregnant. She wanted to see how he’d react to the mental image of a tiny little life—real. A child that shared their blood, that breathed because of them.
The loss of colour in his cheeks was almost imperceptible, but she was watching closely.
His ‘Yeah’ was drawn out and low.
‘There’s a chance.’ It was a slim chance, very slim as her period was due in only a day or two. But she wasn’t ready to let him off the hook just yet. She was hurt from that look, the dread and fear in it. And she wanted to know what it was he was going to say.
He exhaled. ‘Whatever happens, you know I’ll support you.’ His gaze slid from hers. ‘Whatever you decide.’
Whatever she decided? So it would be her choice and hers alone. He wanted no part in anything that might be? She squeezed her fingers hard on the bench behind her. Still said nothing, but only because her heart was ripping.
‘Whatever you want to do,’ he was mumbling now. ‘I don’t …’
What, he didn’t—mind? Care?
She’d known, hadn’t she? He’d told her that very first night. And, no matter what she fantasised, the reality was exactly as he’d told it. She’d been warned.
But she hadn’t paid attention—had just had the bit between her teeth and gone along for the ride. And the consequences were going to be more serious than she’d ever thought possible.
She’d never had her heart broken before.
So much for independence. She’d gone and got herself totally dependent on someone who could never offer her anything like all that she wanted. She wished he’d go away and she could lick her wounds in private. Regroup. Gather up her shredded pride. But at that her pride came racing back, fully armed.
