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Zafir looked pale now. ‘No, it’s not because your history is more palatable, or because of the guilt I feel—which I don’t think I’ll ever unfeel.’ He said heavily, ‘The truth is that I didn’t fight hard enough for you before.’
‘Because you didn’t really want to marry me.’
Kat was trying desperately to get Zafir to admit that he didn’t really mean what he said. Because if she believed him and he didn’t...she’d never recover.
He looked at her for a long time. And even trapped under that intense gaze Kat couldn’t help but be acutely aware of his powerfully lean body in dark trousers and a white shirt.
After a long moment he said, ‘I can’t deny that.’
She sucked in a painful breath. She hadn’t actually expected to hear him agree with her, and it should have been a relief but it wasn’t.
‘But not because of why you’re thinking, Kat.’
Kat’s circling thoughts came to a halt.
‘I was very careful to keep my feelings for you superficial, Kat. I had you on a pedestal as this perfect paragon of beauty and morality—a small-town girl who had worked hard to get where she was. A woman who was unbelievably innocent. I put you in a box and I didn’t look any deeper. I know it sounds crazy, and contradictory, but by proposing to you and convincing myself it was for those shallow reasons, I was able to keep you with me while not admitting the depth of my emotions—the real reason I wanted to marry you. Because I loved you. You see, I told myself I’d never allow love to impact my life. I was so sure that I wouldn’t ever succumb to such an emotion that I arrogantly denied to myself that I felt anything deeper than liking and respect for you.’
Kat wasn’t sure she could speak now, even if she wanted to.
Zafir grimaced. ‘When those headlines surfaced and I confronted you... I didn’t really give you a chance to explain your side because on some cowardly level it was easier for me to break the engagement and tell you I didn’t love you than to admit how I really felt. How could I? When I wouldn’t even admit it to myself?’
Zafir stepped closer to Kat.
‘I love you, Kat. I know that now, and I always did... I was just too scared to admit it before. Seeing how Salim was so destroyed after Sara’s death, feeling that loss myself—it terrified me. I never wanted to love someone so much that it would send my life into a tailspin if something happened to them. And our parents hardly provided us with any kind of healthy example...’
He shook his head, his face paling.
‘But when I saw you on the ground last night, lying so still, I realised then that it would be far worse if I’d never told you how I felt than if I’d tried to protect myself from the pain. Even if you don’t love me.’
Kat couldn’t breathe. She felt as if she was hanging over a huge abyss by a thread. But as she looked at Zafir, into those slate-grey eyes, the light in them died and he took a step back.
Before she could reach out or say anything he said, ‘There’s something I’ve suspected for a while, but I’ve been too afraid to ask...’
‘What?’ she managed to croak out.
‘The accident...it happened that night, didn’t it? The night we fought.’
Kat felt the blood drain from her face, and Zafir’s own face paled even more. She’d never seen him look so stricken.
‘Kat...what did I do to you?’
He backed away even further, as if he couldn’t bear to be near her. Everything in her rebelled at that. He’d told her he loved her. She had to believe. To trust.
She closed the distance between them and took his hands in hers. They felt cold. ‘No,’ she said, and then more firmly, when she saw his eyes so bleak, ‘No, Zafir. You do not get to do this. What happened that night was no one’s fault. It could have just as easily been you. You don’t get to take responsibility for an accident.’
She clung onto his hands, willing him to come back to her.
‘I was an emotional coward too... As soon as I heard you say you didn’t love me I ran—because I wasn’t brave enough to fight for myself or for you.’
He shook his head, his face etched with pain. ‘I have no right to ask you to stay now. I’ve brought nothing but destruction into your life.’
He wouldn’t look at her, so Kat let one hand go and reached up to touch Zafir’s face, smoothing the lines, the tension in his jaw. She turned his face until their eyes met and she said, ‘Well, tough, because I’m not going anywhere—unless you didn’t mean any of what you said?’
Fire flashed in his eyes and Kat breathed a sigh of relief.
‘Of course I meant what I said.’
She took a deep breath. ‘I love you too, Zafir. What I felt for you before was immature... I couldn’t handle it. It was too much. I don’t think either of us were ready to deal with the enormity of how we felt. It killed me to think you’d only valued me for my physical attributes. I felt worthless. I felt like no one had ever really loved me for me—not even my mother.’
