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“So, what do I do?”
“You got yourself Koyaanisqatsied. Now you have to get yourself unkoyaanisqatsied.”
“Yeah, but how?”
Carlos shrugs.
“Take a pill. Get a cat. Follow the yellow brick road. I don’t know. I’m not a shrink. But this isn’t the first time you’ve come in with bruises on your face or hands and I’ve helped you hide them. I’ll tell you, though: I don’t like lying either. Chihiro is good people. Come to me to talk anytime you like, but me helping you hide your sins? Tonight is the last time. I’ve cut off drunks and junkies and now I’m cutting you off. No more ice after tonight.”
Someone pushes past me and orders shots of bad Scotch. I look at my hands. Some of the knuckles are swollen, but not so much you’d notice if you weren’t looking for it. I hold the ice on my eye. No wonder the pit boss thinks I’m an ex-con. I am. Only I did my time in Hell and I came out with exactly the same problems all those cons have when they get out of federal or state pens. Candy and Julie nagged me about PTSD a few weeks ago. I didn’t want to listen. I still don’t, but maybe they’re onto something. Maybe this fighting on the sly isn’t fixing anything. It’s me feeding whatever is wrong with me. So, what do I do about it? I stop is what I do. No more fights. Carlos is right. I need a dog. I need a doctor. I need something else that doesn’t make me a chump and a liar every time I open my mouth.
Then I remember something. I take out the box and put it on the counter.
“Carlos, you’re a man of spirits and exotic liquids. Have you ever heard of something called black milk?”
He hands the guy his lousy Scotch and thinks for a few seconds.
“Never. What is it?”
I open the box and take out the vial.
“This. Only I don’t know what this is.”
He takes the little glass bottle and holds it up to the light. Shakes it a little.
“Where did you get it?”
“It was a gift. Of sorts.”
“More secrets? Who gave it to you?”
“No one I can talk about this close to such shitty Scotch. You should be ashamed of yourself for selling it.”
The guy who ordered them turns to me.
“Hey, I like this stuff. Who made you king high shithead of Scotch?”
I start to say something, but he backs up a step and his mouth opens like a roast pig waiting for an apple. The guy is slumming it tonight. He tried to dress down because he knew he was coming here, but the manicure and the million-dollar college ring give him away.
“Oh shit,” he says. “You’re him. I heard you hang out here. Can I buy you a drink?”
Carlos waves the guy off.
“Not tonight, man. Come back at Christmas. He’ll be a chipper fucker by then. Won’t you, Stark?”
I look at Carlos, not at the groupie.
“Thanks, but I have a drink.”
“Then, can I get a picture with you?” he says. “I swear it will only take a second.”
“What did I just tell you, pendejo?” says Carlos. “Not tonight.”
Out of the corner of my eye I can see the guy turn from Carlos to me and back to Carlos. He holds up his hands.
“Fine. Be an asshole. You’re not that special, you know. I’ve met lots more cool people here and what do you call them . . . ?”
“Lurkers,” I say.
