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The first person I see is Manimal Mike in a neck brace.
“Goddamn, Mike. Why are you here?” I say. “You look like hell.”
He tries to smile, but the brace makes it like a grimace.
He says, “I’m fine. Maria’s been taking good care of me. Besides, I wasn’t going to miss your first night. Welcome to the big leagues.”
He puts out his hand and I shake it.
“Thanks, but I didn’t exactly love the minor leagues. What am I even doing here?”
“With Charlie Karden gone, there was an opening.”
“Actually, you’re filling two spots. Don’t forget about my friend Cassandra,” Janet adds. “She brought me into the Lodge Within the Lodge before the crackhead ki
lled her.”
“But like I said before, what am I doing here?”
Dan comes over.
“You’re going to transcend the human plane of existence.”
“And go onto new ones,” says Juliette. “The Land of the Dead. Other dimensions.”
“Perhaps even time travel. The possibilities are limitless.”
I shake my head.
“No offense, but I’ve already seen the Land of the Dead and it wasn’t exactly fun.”
“Did you have a guide?” says Juliette.
“You think they have docents in Hell? Someone to hand you headphones and point out the gift shop?”
Dan says, “There’s your problem. We’ll have guides taking us into these other realms so that we can explore in safety.”
“Just like Virgil led Dante safely through the Inferno,” says Juliette.
I look at her hard.
“You know that was a poem, right? Not a how-to book.”
Janet says, “Calm down. Just listen to them and see what they can do.”
“I thought Kenny was your trash wizard. Who’s going to lead us into Valhalla now?”
“I will,” says Dan. “Believe it or not, I have a fair amount of experience with these things.”
“No offense, but Ouija boards aren’t going to get you into the Land of the Dead and back out again.”
“No offense taken.”
Dan’s smile never falters.
He says, “I’ll make you a deal. We don’t normally allow Lodge Within the Lodge members to quit. You know the saying.”
“There’s zero chance I’ll get out alive. Yeah. I have the T-shirt and the mug.”
