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“What you see,” says Juliette. “Show us the Land of the Dead.”
Dead Kenny holds his hands wide and an eerie landscape slowly forms around him. It’s all shadows and blades, cleavers, kartikas, and every other cutting tool imaginable. I know the place intimately. The House of Knives in Pandemonium. Kenny made it all the way to Hell and the doom twins have pulled him back. I wonder how Kenny feels about that. For the first time, I have a little sympathy for the fool.
Kenny stands in the middle of the house as rotating pillars of blades pass around him, slicing him to ribbons, then pausing to let his body reassemble itself so the game can start all over again. His face contorts as much from his body’s pulling itself back together as it does from the blades.
He says, “Behold Hell in all its ingenious glory.”
“What else can you tell us?” says Juliette, completely ignoring that her pal is being deli-sliced over and over again.
“Parts are cold as the Arctic and some as hot as the sun. There are trenches and fissures full of blood. Everywhere is chaos and ruins. How long have I been trapped in here? A day? It already feels like an eternity, and I have all of eternity to look forward to treats like this.”
“Can we come to you, Kenny?” says Dan excitedly. “Can we visit you in the Land of the Dead?”
“Kill yourself and find out.”
They ignore that. “Can you show us other wonders? Anywhere outside the house? We want to see the vistas of the damned.”
“I can show you everything—but again, there’s a price.”
“Name it. Anything,” says Juliette.
Kenny turns to her, his face in mid-slicing.
“Another sacrifice. Each sacrifice you bring will help me escape the horror of this house. The larger the sacrifice, the sooner I can leave. When I’ve done that, I’ll show you all of Hell. Make a large enough sacrifice and I’ll show you how to visit the Land of the Dead and return home saf
ely.”
“Thank you, my friend,” says Dan. “We’ll do as you say.”
Kenny groans as a broadsword opens his belly the way he gutted the sheep.
“I have to go now. The bird wasn’t much sustenance. Bring me something better next time.”
Juliette says, “We will. Thank you. We’ll see you soon, Kenny.”
Poor, dumb Kenny fades and disappears into the thicket of the knives. His scream cuts off abruptly as the Thurl collapses.
The rumpus room is silent for a while. Then it’s all looks of wonder and hushed whispers. Dan and Juliette kiss. Maria throws her arms around Manimal Mike and Janet grabs me in a big bear hug. I hug them back, but it’s mostly to be polite.
These fucking children, playing with gasoline and guns.
Then next thing I know Dan is shouting, “A pit bull. No. A Rottweiler.”
I say, “For what?”
“For the bigger sacrifice, of course.”
“A Great Dane,” says Maria, who seems a lot more into this scene than Mike.
Some Jed Clampett–in–a–turtleneck–looking prick says, “A Tibetan mastiff. Those are the largest dogs in the world.”
“Perfect,” says Dan. “I can get one tomorrow. Should I get more? We can fill the room with them!”
Juliette presses her forehead to his.
“You’re thinking too small, dear heart. Forget dogs. What we need is a horse.”
“Can you get a horse down here?” says Mike.
