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I open my eyes and look at him.
“I have to. But every instinct I have tells me that Dan and Juliette are monsters.”
“Yet you have no proof except for your admittedly flawed instincts.”
“They sacrificed that bird and they’ll do it again.”
“How will you stop them without killing them and proving to yourself that you are simply a monster too?”
“Is that what I do?”
“Your image of yourself is one of a beast. A benevolent one, but a beast nonetheless. As much as this might pain you, it is also easy and familiar. It allows you to do away with deeper emotions.”
“Fuck. I don’t know what to do.”
Vidocq leans forward and slaps my knee once.
“Stay and drink with me. By coming here, you’ve already made your decision. You will not run rashly after Janet based on your fears and habits. Instead you’ve learned something important about yourself.”
“Learning is miserable. People are awful. Worrying about them is the worst.”
“All true.”
“When I first came back to L.A. I swore I’d never get too close to anyone. Even you. I thought that connections to people made me weak. That they wouldn’t let me do the only thing I was good at—killing things.”
“What do you think now?”
“That connections are a mixed bag. You and Candy make me stronger. Janet though, that’s a gut punch.”
“You can’t kill everything bad and you can’t save everyone good.”
“I’m not sure who the good ones are anymore.”
“Yes you are. Because you’re one. It’s just sometimes hard to admit to oneself.”
“Fuck.”
I just sit there for a minute and look out the window. It’s pitch-black. I want a cigarette.
“You know, eventually I have to go home, only I don’t know if I can.”
“Worried about bad dreams?”
“That too. But the one straight thing Samael said is that there’s a whole gang of Stay Belows waiting to kill me.”
“Then that is a problem you can attack. Forget the Zero Lodge and their foolishness. Let us go and rescue your home.”
Vidocq gets his overcoat from a hook on the wall.
I say, “You’re sure you want to come with me? You’ve seen what those spooks are like.”
As he puts the coat on he says, “All the more reason I want to go. Since that attack, I’ve been brewing a supply of bannissement par l’amarante. It won’t destroy the creatures, but it should drive them away.”
“Should?”
“What is guaranteed in this life?”
“Thanks, Dad. You’re a bundle of comfort today.”
