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I nodded away from the restaurant and laid it all out as we walked. The bullshit with the distributor, the yo-yo they’d strung me on, how I’d gone to Ashleigh, that Ashleigh had then shown up at my house this morning—all of it. Jordan listened without judgment, and when it was all out, he just sighed.
“Well, yeah, you kind of earned that.”
I ran a hand down my face. “I know. But…but is she right?”
“About Dad?”
I nodded. I couldn’t help it. I’d always wanted to be like dad. I’d worshipped the ground he walked on, but it was always Jordan who was more like Dad, who had gotten his praise and appreciation, who had wanted to run the business. And I was always more like Mom. I resented it. It was why it’d all hurt so bad when he turned out as terrible as he did because he hadn’t just ruined himself as a father; he’d ruined himself as my role model and idol. Now, the last thing I wanted was to be like him…after what he had done.
“Am I like Dad?”
“Yes,” he said without question, and I winced. “But so am I. Do you know the reason that I invited Dad back into our lives?”
“No,” I admitted. “I thought you wanted to move on.”
“Well, yeah, I did. But the other thing is that I’d talked to Mom, and she’d made me see that I wasn’t just the bad parts of my father. He isn’t one-dimensional, and neither are we. I’m not just his anger and pride and fear. You’re not just the guy who hid something from his girlfriend. We’re both the good parts of him, too. The guy who loved completely, who showed up to all of our events, who wanted the best for us. And I wanted a relationship with that man.”
“But we just got the bad out of him all over again.”
Jordan nodded. “We did. All over again. So, yeah, you’re like Dad. The good and the bad. He helped raise us, so that’s the hand we were dealt. It doesn’t define you though unless you let it.”
I sighed in a small measure of relief. “Thanks, Jor. Now, what the hell am I going to do?”
“Well, first, we’re going to look into the distributor. If Ashleigh was working against us on this, then we can go after her legally. We still have all the shit from this winter. I wish you’d come to me with this earlier. I could have seen if Wright Construction had any contacts.”
“I should have. I just…didn’t want to let you down.”
Jordan smiled and patted my back. “You couldn’t let me down, Julian. I’m so proud of your work. You love that job. That’s all I want for you.”
“It felt like I had all this pressure on my shoulders.”
“You did. Pressure is good but not if you’re going to ignore the people who care about you. We’re here to help and carry the burden.” He shrugged. “It’s a hard lesson to learn.”
He wasn’t wrong. I hated learning this. Hated that I’d been stupid enough to go back to Ashleigh after everything.
“What do I do about Jen?”
Jordan shrugged. “Mom told me once to grovel. Flowers and chocolates are always a good choice.”
I laughed. “No way does that work.”
“Worked with Annie.”
“Bullshit. She’d already forgiven you.”
Jordan rolled his eyes. “Whatever, ass.”
Weston pulled in, in his rental car and waved at the pair of us, where we stood away from the rest of the crowd. We were going to have to finish this up now and have that long-overdue conversation with our half-brother. Seeing Weston’s tentative smile made me understand that we might be losing our dad in this, but maybe we’d be gaining so much more.
“Do you think she’ll forgive me?” I asked before Weston reached us.
“Give her time. Jen loves you. She’ll come around.”
My heart leaped at those words. Words we hadn’t even come close to saying. I hadn’t even let myself think about them. I’d been too worried about scaring her away. And now, I’d fucked it up, and it was all I could think about. I loved her, and I’d never told her.
I was going to make this right.
One way or another, I was going to fix this.
I had to.
39
Jennifer
“Okay. Just lie on the couch, and I’ll see if Piper and Blaire have emergency ice cream,” Annie said, depositing me in the living room.
I flopped back onto the couch. Tears still leaked down my cheeks. I hadn’t been able to stop crying since Annie had picked me up. Yes, I’d stood up for myself. Yes, I’d done the right thing. But now, I felt terrible.
My heart had been flattened. Shattered. Thrown on the ground and stomped on. Everything was too much, too fast, and I couldn’t make it stop. The ice cream Annie was looking for wouldn’t do a damn thing to make this better. I popped a full Xanax instead. Maybe I could drift away into oblivion and not have to think about it.
